When you get very very old...

[Redandgreenribbons]

...What is your plan?

I mean when you are in your late years like in your late 80s or 90s(if you lucky enough to reach this age).

I am wondering when and if you have about your days that you may be unable to cook, to shop, to bath.

And to make it harder, let's assume that you don't have anymore your other half to support you.

Even if you own a house and you get a pension, will it be enough? Will you be financially sustainable to live a decent life before your end if you are unable to look after yourself?

What is your plan? This thought really worries me although I am still very young...

I’m within 15 years of your time frame, with DH somewhat closer again. It’s our intention to stay in our own home as long as possible and if need be, put into place a revolving line of credit against the asset to pay for any in home help needed.

having said that, DH seems to think he will be popping his clogs far earlier than I, and I don’t want to stay in the country we are living in, my DH’s place of birth. So I would sell up and shift back home again.

I have a parent living in a private hospital here where we are and I’m sure a lot of her decline is due lack of social exposure (she really dislikes the activity coordinator) and also the other residents, feels like she shouldn’t be in there with ‘that lot” so stays in her room for the majority of the day. Not for the lack of trying by the staff. The funds from the sale of their home are nearly spent, although I have kept this from her as she does not have any capacity to earn.

I know if my parents could have had a crystal balls back in the 80’s they would be appalled at how little mum has left now. They thought they had put away properly for their retirement costs…. I will be stuffed if a retirement business gets any of our money and will prepare for euthanasia for when the time comes.

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon
I have a similar plan! I always say I hope to die of a heart attack whilst riding in the open country and be dead before I hit the ground. If I life to 80 I may even start bringing a flask of whiskey on my ride outs to add to the danger 😁
My plan has alot of holes in it though, so if that doesn't work out, Dignitas for sure.
I really really don't want my kids to think they have to look after me. I've seen the stress and ipset it can cause plus the resentment in families.

22 years from the time frame…

If my family is anything to go by I’ll be independent til death. Anywhere from 50 onwards and I’ll go very quickly.

Hopefully if not there’ll be the choice of euthanasia. If not that I will be where the state will place me.

The irony is I work in elderly care and can’t afford to make a plan for myself.

As an ex nurse who cared for people with severe dementia, I can say that if I get a diagnosis of dementia will finish myself off.

Respectfully, when you are in your 60s, you might review that plan. I’m 63 and I don’t feel much different to when I was in my 40s. Still enjoying my large garden, having a spare bedroom, a sewing room and two bathrooms (so I don’t have to share with a boy 🤢)!

Stealth brag. Do you have an orangery too? And cleaners and gardeners?

I m 54 and lost my father last year at the age of 79 to a massive stroke in his sleep.
Probably I ll go the same way but if I m like my mum and live (all facilities intact) to my 80s (she s 81 now) I want to live in my own home with my cats.
My son wants to move me to Finland with him and I reckon that's good too.
Just would prefer to die in my sleep in my own bed like my dad did with my cats by my side.
Would not want to be in a care home ever. My friend worked in one and what she has told me is horrific.
I have had life insurance for years so dc will be fine financially when I go.

I am 78 and dh is 86. We have state and teachers’ pensions and live in a bungalow with no mortgage. We have adult dc and dgc. If /when one of us is widowed we will manage.

I don’t know how old you are OP but please don’t waste your life worrying about this issue . Make the most of your life now . Love the people around you now . I spent most of my life worrying and getting anxious about things . It really is pointless and if I had my life again I would not be doing this .
In my 50’s I have had to face my mom getting dementia and her living in denial so that I have had to make decisions related to her care . It has made me think about what will happen to me but I can only do so much as it’s mostly out of my control . I am decluttering . Mom was a hoarder and I had to spend weeks clearing her house . Don’t want DS to have to do that. Trying to stay healthy and do things to limit cognitive decline.

Thanks for sharing - a very sobering post. Your plan sounds good.

I didn’t mean to cause offence. I live in the North East. The value of my house wouldn’t buy a bedsitter in London or the South East.

Sorry to say, most people I have known in that age group, it's too late to start at 80. A lot of digestive problems etc.

Happily I am stuffed with sugar and dairy, overweight and no longer fussed about that, and have a couple of smokes each day, all of which ought to help me avoid long life.

Can Mercy 1968 tell us what was horrific about the care homes that her friend worked in please .

Luckily I will have a massive house to downsize from. Or something will go TU before then and I won't.

I worry more friends who are private renting. Not sure how that is financially sustainable

Plan to move to a house with a downstairs bathroom and walk in shower, no front steps etc . Loneliness can be a major problem, so perhaps assisted living as a last resort .

In the US so appreciate things are different.

‘’DH and I are maxing out our retirement plans at the moment. When the time comes ~70ish we plan on buying into a retirement community that has step care. (Independent living ->Hospice)

You essentially buy in (current prices are between $300-600K) and pay monthly rent ~3K/mo Once you are in then your care is payed for out of the initial buy in money. It’s not a full proof plan as anything could happen, but it’s currently the best option available. We are taking care in a loose sense a couple who have gone this route. We’ll be able to see and learn from their experience. I’m living the ‘stay at home’ method with my own family right now, and it’s not the route to go.

in your 30’s the best thing you can do is to prioritize saving. That will give you most options when you are ready. Also really keep your eyes open as those around you age and need care. Learn from their good and bad decisions.

Yep. But remember ( ironic ) that actually the trappings of a “ good “ over an “ ok “ home only matter for a while if you have dementia - quiz mornings. Gin tasting , afternoon outings to a garden centre , even a choice of food over “ it’s Tuesday , chicken roast “ are not meaningful as dementia progresses.

i will spend up whilst I can appreciate it then throw myself in the state - I just need to get the timimbg right

"Respectfully, when you are in your 60s, you might review that plan. I’m 63 and I don’t feel much different to when I was in my 40s. Still enjoying my large garden, having a spare bedroom, a sewing room and two bathrooms (so I don’t have to share with a boy 🤢)!"

@AnnieSnap - tbh I don't think I will. I love our home and it's perfect for us now but it's far too large for 2 people. Or even 1. I'm not a gardener - I have a large garden and it's a massive lawn which the kids love. Where I live, houses either have huge gardens or small yards. I'd be happy with the latter when I'm older! Agree re bedrooms that it's nice to have spare however we have a lot of space here. We could move to a much smaller 3/4 bed with half the floor space which would be much cheaper to run/look after that this house.

@AnnieSnap you didn't cause offence!! Certain posters are only happy when they're posting stuff like that!!

my family are originally from the NE, but I was born in the SE and moved back after years of living all over the place. At times I contemplate selling up and moving up as I could buy a much bigger house/garden etc. but I don't really want to 'start over' just to have a bigger house, but it's tempting!!

I could get used to being called 'pet' everyday & people actually talking to you though....

Can't say as I care. I'm hopeful I drop dead somewhere rather than being stuck in a care home and hope to goodness I'll be able to take a pill and that will be that.

I've always hoped I'll have a heart attack in my bikini while on a sun lounger in my garden on a lovely hot August day while holding a glass of chilled white wine...

YANBU to plan ahead but I personally would not spend time worrying about it. None of us know if we will wake up tomorrow morning yet!
Downsize in good time to something easily manageable and get rid of all the stuff you do not need. Make sure you are close to a decent shop and other amenities. Buy somewhere with nearby parking and not lots of steps and stairs( unless there is a lift) Make friends with those around you do you can support each other.
Appoint enduring power of attorneys for finance AND health and Wellbeing. Decide whilst able what your wishes are at the end and get a DNAR in place when you reach a point that you know you do not wish to be resuscitated.

I always said I wanted to die at 70 because it seemed so very old to me at the time , but I'm now almost 73 and still here . I hope I leave my home feet first as they say because the coffin is taken out feet first . I don't want to be here anymore because of unhappy family situations and sadly lack of family love so hope I die sooner than later . I truly don't want to get older it's not very nice although I am a reasonably healthy ole girl I can still touch my toes . I always say I have had 5 very different lives in my almost 73 years and had many highs and many lows. My life hasn't turned out how I hoped it would , I've known deep sadness and felt crucified by those I've loved deeply but I've also laughed so much it hurt my stomach and I've wet myself with laughter , I've cried a river and howled at the moon but I've reached for the stars and fallen to my knees . I often wonder what it's all been about , I've learned many lessons and made many mistakes , I've loved deeply yet never felt truly loved for myself . I've had great sex and enjoyed every bit , I've known horrible sex with my first nasty husband and I've known how it feels to want to kill . I've known hatred too during those horrible years and carried guilt right up to this age for my beloved children who suffered with a horrible unkind father .

So reading all your posts I say , just live for now , love deeply , be kind , adore the moments with your children , though 73 may seem a long way away , it comes quickly. Most important is to care for yourself , if you don't you lose who you are like I once did . Its been lovely reading what you've all written because not so long ago I had my life in front of me just like you have now . Enjoy , don't ever give yourselfs away you always deserve better . I wish I had known this ❤️

Thank you. I’m originally from Manchester, DH is from Liverpool, but we love living in the North East 🙂