Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

Sharing the cooking and prosecco might be more fun. But it sounds a lovely restful day.

Sorry to read that op.

I think there are so many films and adverts setting out an idealised view of Christmas when it isn't like that for a great many people but the postcard image makes it more difficult for everyone for whom it isn't the reality.

I'm not going suggest anything - just say that I hear you. Take care.

Sorry op. The grass is always greener though, come back on boxing day and see all the nightmare xmas threads. Cooking, prosecco and TV sound amazing to me.

You can put up a tree and decorations though, there's every point if it would make you feel happy and is different to the norm. What about friends? You can start your own traditions for example you already go on a hike xmas morning, what about getting dressed up for dinner? What about playing music whilst you're cooking? It can be as special as you want to make it. You don't have extended family but that doesn't stop you from finding your own tribe. x

Family is what we choose for ourselves. Your husband is legally your family. Do you not enjoy the bliss of no screaming kids, relatives sniping at each other and short tempers? Zero obligations and peace and quiet is blissful. (For me)

I understand this loneliness but from a different angle. Zero family. Or partner - one 13 year old Dd with zero contact from her dad. My last partner of 10 years walked out on us both on boxing day last year.

This year we are taking Christmas slowly, ignoring the hype. Ive signed up to do a few shifts at a soup kitchen my DD can join in, and Im doing a toy collection for another charity. I work full time otherwise i would be signing up crisis for Christmas-
Have you ever done that? That got me through several lonely Christmas's before i had DD. Amazing project.

I always love new years eve and celebrate hard into the 1st Jan when its all over

I would recommend charity work at Christmas 😀

I understand. We’re designed to live in villages, amongst an extended family.

I know it doesn’t fix the bigger picture, but please do put up a tree and a few decorations. Lots of candles (if you like the hygge it brings) and a little string of lights, or two. It makes such a difference, and it isn’t pointless even if it’s just the two of you.

Stop investing so much head space on one day of the year, or two if you count Boxing Day.

You have a happy fulfilled life throughout the rest of the year why let one day bother you so much.

Enjoy your peaceful day with your DH. A lot of the people you're envying would give anything not to have to go to family for the day and do so out of a sense of duty. Not all family Christmases are happy Christmases.

Other people's lives aren't always the way you imagine.

And stop watching sentimental Christmas films.

If you tell yourself you're missing out on some wonderful Christmas experience you'll start to believe it. Your Christmas sounds fine to me.

I live on my own and see absolutely no one over Christmas except the dog. I pretty much ignore the whole thing: no decorations, no special meal, no booze. I just treat it like any other weekend and I'm fine with that.

Why would you not put up a tree? We would still do that even if it was just the 2 of us.

Remember, family obligations at Christmas can often be a stress or a bore. Yours sounds lovely.

I often feel sad that it’s just me, DH and DD on Christmas Day. I grew up with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents all round for Christmas Day with party games and laughter.

But hey Ho, we have to make the best of what we have.

I have a family but they live abroad, so we rarely spend Christmas together. DH and I usually have friends over on Christmas Day - there is always someone who would otherwise be by themselves, e.g. if DC have gone to the Ex. It's different from a family Christmas, but there are pros and cons to that 😉

I can relate although I have two children and a brother. My parents live a long haul flight away and my husbands parents aren't with us anymore.

My friends are all busy with their parents and extended family in the run up to Christmas so I find all the weekends in December really lonely and I hate that people just assume I'm also busy.

Would you like a Christmas tree for yourself? Are there any other traditions you'd like to start that can bring you joy?

You and your husband are a family , absolutely no reason to not put a tree up and be festive together .

I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. Would it be helpful if you did something totally non traditional around Christmas? Book a hot holiday somewhere that doesn’t celebrate Christmas, work and have the time off another time for example?

Or think f* it, put up the tree, go to a carol service, host a Christmas get-together for friends/neighbours etc?

Also the Christmas you have described some people aspire towards- a husband! , roof over your head, roast meal, and games. You are spending Christmas with someone who loved you enough to marry you

Think you need to get a bit
Of a grip tbh

I understand. We’re designed to live in villages, amongst an extended family

That's it! It's hard to explain but it feels very raw and emotional to be so...secluded, and not part of anything bigger, no tribe, no connection.

Thank you for the kind replies 💐 and I'm really sorry for anyone also struggling this time of year.

Loud kids and family tantrums sounds amazing to me! Any life and activity other than my own. I appreciate the 'grass isn't greener' sentiment though.

So sorry to hear this op. How old are you op? Are you both nc with your families or have they passed away? Do you have extended family like aunts, uncles and cousins?

There was a similar thread a few months back but the op was single. Lots of people suggested volunteering and meet up. It sounds like you both want an active social life so I think you need to plan a bit so Christmas 23 is different.

It's not too late for Christmas 22 though but you need to be quick. Have a look on meet up and local Facebook for local festive networking events. Can you both join running/sports groups, Rotary/roundtable/WI/volunteering/
book clubs & community projects to expand your social circle. You both need to meet new people to create new friendships.

So sorry to hear this op. How old are you op? Are you both nc with your families or have they passed away? Do you have extended family like aunts, uncles and cousins?

I'm 39, DH is 50. Our family circumstances are similar - absent fathers and our mums have passed, no extended family at all; both of our family lines end with us.

Thank you very much for that info and the links! DH isn't social but I definitely am so I'll see what more I can get involved with :)

It has just been me and DH for the last few years, we had some relatives we often spent Christmas with but they have passed away now. We always make an effort for us, we are worth the effort, we love doing the tree and we have a lovely breakfast and dinner, open presents, go for a walk. But I do often think that other people are having more fun with big families around them.

We decided we might start going away for Christmas some years. We are going to USA this year and a few years ago we booked a few nights in the Lake District and we had a wonderful time.

We all make choices how to live our lives, you could choose to spend Christmas volunteering with the elderly, homeless or refugees, you could go overseas or to a hotel in the U.K. you could invite people to your home who otherwise would be alone (a lovely lady in my town does this, really helped others too).

To many of us your Christmas sounds idyllic but if you are unhappy make changes, we only have one life

So true!!

You do have family though, your husband. And the pair of you deserve a tree and decorations as much as a house full of 19 kids, so if you enjoy Christmas decorating then please decorate!

Just me n DH here. Christmas is what you make of it.

I am not saying your feelings are invalid, OP, but I think you need to try to reframe them. Women get a huge amount of propaganda thrown at them about what their lives should be, and it's easy to feel you have missed out if you don't conform to the norm. But your life is every bit as valid and worthwhile as anyone else's. It sounds to me as if, sub-consciously, you don't think you deserve to celebrate Christmas because you're not a conventional family. Fuck that. Put up a tree. Have a turkey.

But we can make our own tribe - I have childless friends who have close knit friends in similar situations (older women so children aren't a possibility). This Christmas is upon us but make a New Year's resolution to make changes so you feel more connected I suppose.

If you happen to live close to Bristol do PM me I'm quite new to the area and would love to meet new people to get together with, others too. I hate not having things in my diary, I know how you feel on that (but I do have adult children)