Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

Have you thought of going away for Christmas? If you go somewhere warm and stay at an all inclusive hotel, you will get a very Christmas vibe. We went to Mexico once at Christmas (ok with our teenage children) but everybody at the hotel was wishing everyone else a happy Christmas and the dinner was amazing.

I want to give you a huge hug 🤗 if I knew you I'd invite you here for Christmas xxx

Hotels and cruises are big business at Christmas. You can share the festivities with people like yourselves, drink, dance, eat etc. Or volunteer locally on the day. Don't feel the loss by being sad at home.

I had a pretty cracking Christmas pre-dc that involved no family. DH worked in the morning so I read my book, drank tea and knitted whilst listening to Christmas music. He then came home and we cooked a meal for friends who came over later. We played silly games and ate a lot of food. It was cosy and quite decadent.

My brother only celebrates traditionally when he has his DC. Every other year, he volunteers, hikes, offers a breakdown service for the local garage and reads A Christmas Carol with a very expensive whiskey before bed. He quietly loves it.

I can understand why you feel like this. Most people, and the adverts, although not all by any means, will be sharing it with families. Some will be having a great time, some not so much.

If not having anyone to buy presents for is bothering you, why not buy some for those charity gift donation points for children you see in shopping centres?

If you would like to decorate for you and your DH, do. If you like hiking on Christmas Day with your DH, carry on. Christmas with him is whatever you both want it to be.

This is a multi-year project really, but if you celebrate Christmas in any religious sense at all, then you could focus on that and meet people through that both at the services and in that church community - there will be others who spent it alone or just in a couple. Or you could volunteer on Christmas Day, you'll meet people who do that for a variety of reasons and some of those will be otherwise lonely on Christmas Day.

Sarah Millican's Christmas Day thing on Twitter for people who are on their own is a nice thing to join in with, even if you are fine (and not completely alone, or lonely) you can join in to make others feel less lonely.

I'm really sorry your feel the way you do OP, it made me feel sad reading it. Loneliness can be a very powerful emotion, even if there are 2 of you; I agree with the village comment.

Ignore the nonsense about being grateful because you have a husband and a roof, good grief🙄

Your feelings are absolutely valid, I hope you end up having a lovely Christmas

Personally I hate Xmas, one DH, one horse one dog. We have a few relations who don’t live close to us. I take dog for walk we both cook and start drinking. Horse is looked after. Go to bed and then life stars getting back to normal, hooray!

Did you want to have kids OP?

I’m sure there’s loads of community stuff to get involved in wherever you are. Local churches are good sources of social networks.

In your shoes I'd go away for Christmas. It is quite nice not to have obligations for Christmas, so much fuss over one day. But I realise you can't help how you feel.

I bet if you asked around there are friends who are on their own or who would love to come and have a drink with you at Christmas or just meet you for a walk. Also if you like running, see if your local parkrun has a Christmas Day event. Also, for future years, join a running club, they usually have a Christmas social event, albeit not on Christmas Day of course.

I loathe Xmas. It reminds me of my abusive childhood. I just tend to stay in PJs and ignore it and pray for it to be over.

Sorry to hear this, I know a bit how you feel as whilst sometimes we are with family, this year it’s the two of us. Do you have any friends in similar situation who you could form a bigger ‘family style group’ with even if for Xmas eve or Boxing Day? As others have suggested, volunteering might be an idea. There are lots of people in care homes and hospital with no visitors who would just love some company.

Ignore all Christmas adverts. They always show huge families and lots of laughter and horrible beige party food. I hardly know anyone who fits this description these days, we are an extremely small family and I just sigh when these ads come on.

I think you can go either way with this a) ignore Christmas for the most part b) go all in for Christmas but in your own style. Ideas we have come up with for this year are- making craft items, making own Christmas cards, baking (this is not my thing, one of my kids loves it), going to carols not in a church, taking a treat over to good friends, making some mulled wine ourselves and watching a couple of Christmas films. Definitely have a tree/put up a wreath, I would get a branch and stick some fairy lights on if I didn't want to bother with tree.

Nothing startling, just fun nice things which are not too demanding. I also think MeetUp is great for meeting people who are keen to socialise and don't just sit in with their families. Cinema? Just create Christmas for yourself, don't let those silly adverts pressure you into feeing crap.

Do you not enjoy the bliss of no screaming kids, relatives sniping at each other and short tempers? Zero obligations and peace and quiet is blissful.

It's all relative though isn't it? Zero obligations, peace and quiet on Christmas day sounds blissful to me too, but that's because I spend every other day surrounded by people! I fantasise about spending Christmas day alone with a takeaway watching box sets. But that's because a day like that would be a complete novelty. If I lived a more solitary sort of life where I could do that anytime I had a day off work then I'd probably be craving a noisy, busy house full of people for Christmas.

I’m not particularly religious but I like Christingle because you get to see lots of excited dc on Christmas Eve.

That is how my husband and I spend our Christmas and I love it! I hate enforced familial togetherness!

Rubbish. Christmas belongs to Christians. The whole family thing is a modern invention and used to tyranise people who in any way cvary from what is supposed to be "the norm". There are a huge number of families out there who hate each other's guts and yet get through this ridiculous charade every year.

If you are not a Christian believer, then just treat it as a time to have a rest, do some things you enjoy and spend time the way you prefer. If anything, you are a family of two, so you can still treat it as family time, if you must. Just ignore the nonsense, and don't believe everything you see in TV commercials!

It doesn't have to be lonely, last year my parents were on their own and went out and helped do Christmas dinners for the homeless. They said it was one of the best Christmases they had.

If you don't have a 'village', and you want a village, then you are going to have to create a village. Lots of good ideas on this thread ^^ Good luck with it all OP - it'll be fun making those connections and links

Christmas is for retail, shops and purveyors of tutt nobody needs making a profit. The JL and M&S ads are fantasy, the majority of people don't really live like that, it's all a big lie. There's no need to get caught up in any of it.

Seriously, book a holiday in another country and get away from the brainwashing and bullshit. Make the most of the Bank holidays and don't give it another thought.

I come from a very small family, most of whom now are dead, but it never occurred to me not to celebrate Christmas, either alone, with my SO or with my sister, who also lives alone.

We do trees, presents, stockings, fancy food, champagne, massive amounts of decoration. Have a set lineup of classic black-and-white Christmas films that are on in the background for about 48 hours Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. Walks and drives around the town to look at others' decorations.

Yes, it can be poignant when you think about who's not there (both of my parents died within days of Christmas Day; we spent one Christmas Eve making arrangements with the undertaker, but I know they loved Christmas and would want us to be happy nevertheless.)

As to friends, that is somewhat within your control. To have friends, be a friend, as the expression goes. Do you not have anyone to whom you can send cards or text a festive greeting on the day? Perhaps resolving that by next Christmas you will, and pondering ways to get out there and involved with people, might help your feelings of loneliness.

I recommend dogs. Enormously comforting and great company. Easy to buy for.

I know what you mean op, there is an expectation of what Christmas should be and if yours isn't like that then it can leave you feeling a bit lonely.

My Christmas is very similar to yours, spent just with my DH. We're childless (not by choice) and I have family but the relationship I have with them isn't very close so we don't do the big get together thing during holidays.

We put up a tree and exchange presents on Christmas morning, then we just enjoy a relaxing day eating, drinking and watching Christmas movies. I actually enjoy Christmas a lot more now than I used to.

I sympathize with you, but I think you should try to reframe how you think of Christmas if possible and just enjoy it in your own way :)

That’s so sad.

I don’t think movies and Xmas adverts help when it’s all big families and lovely and cosy.

I have a bigger extended family and Xmas is honestly hell.
I dread it every year and have anxiety from October onwards.

I tried spending it at home with just me and my DC but my mum will come and bang on the door saying that I’m ruining everyone’s Xmas and then I get the blame that everyone’s in a bad mood - so the grass isn’t always greener.

My friend works at a church and often shares her Christmas with lots of different people, many of which would have been alone and it always sounds lovely.

The cruise above sounds amazing too!

I think Christmas bell gs to kids.
for adults, especially with kids, there is a lot of planning, cleaning, screaming, arguments etc.
I get what you are saying about being secluded - because absolutely nothing is open on Christmas Day it feels as everyone is having a great time elsewhere.
since you have no blood family left… either find others in the same position and celebrate together, book a holiday somewhere else, or congratulate yourself to your absolutely lovely sounding Christmas.
or volunteer

I'd say Christmas belongs to the church, but unfortunetly the plastic tat and tinsel brigade would disagree with that. You MUST have fun, you MUST have too much to eat, you MUST have too much to drink... al rubbish.

Have you thought about volunteering on Christmas Day? Lots of places do a Christmas lunch for OAPs living on their own. It's very rewarding.

I don't really celebrate Christmas much as I lost my Dad and both Grandfathers cdays before Christmas over the years. So I often don't feel very 'Christmassy' Especially when people start putting up decorations in November.

But there's no reason to feel lonely; reach out to friends... There is plenty to get involved in within your community.

His family is involved in the church all. What's left of mine isn't. So we just do what we want really. Last year I was so ill, it was a nothing. The year before that, his house flooded, so that was nothing too. And the two years before that I volunteered as preciously mentioned.

This year me and my DP are planning on similar to you if its a nice morning, then battening down the hatches, cooking dinner and playing games. Can't wait.