Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

I’m not sure if you like animals, but there are some really lovely looking house sits over the Christmas period on trusted housesitters, one of my colleagues at work has used it for house sitting and going away and it’s lovely to be in a home from home. You could do your long walk in the morning and Prosecco and Christmas dinner but it’ll feel different and special exploring a new place, and being away from home. A lot of the house sits have cats and dogs to look after if that’s your kind of thing, it might be a nice distraction? I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your husband however you spend it.

You are still a family, so put up a tree, light some candles, listen to some Christmas carols, go to church if you're at all religious, go for a lovely bracing walk, cook something delicious, get dressed up, pull crackers - make your own Christmas traditions.

The idealised version of Christmas on its a wonderful life doesn't really exist. There's always negotiations to be done to sort out which ones are with the in laws this year . Awkward visits with partners who obviously aren't keen to be here . Really your Christmas sounds straightforward with no arguments no fakery . Enjoy.

We've got 3 dc but now they're older 8,13 and 16 it's no longer magical and tbh it never really was! Just stress and expense. And now they're older it's not like they even want to spend time with us doing Xmassy stuff . On the day it's presents hastily unwrapped then they disappear til dinner time

Also My eldest is from my first marriage so me and his dad take it in turns to have Christmas with him. But he is at the age where he can choose himself now and I'm not sure if he'll be with us 😞

It is only ever the 4 or 5 of us. My parents who are in their 60s choose to spend it elsewhere so we don't see them. Mum in law isn't interested so we never get an invite anywhere for lunch etc. in the run up to Xmas I read in magazines and see on social media all these parties and gatherings etc, articles showing where to buy your outfit for all the parties. and it isn't like that

I've chosen to take the bare min time off work cos quite honestly I find it all depressing

Honestly op your Christmas sounds lovely and quite normal 💐

Have some kids!

I get it, OP. Something about Christmas - maybe all the associated sentimentality and same songs being trotted out every year taking you right back to your childhood - seems to amplify loss in a way other holidays don't.

I felt like you for many years after my mum died. I had this big idea in my head of how Christmas was supposed to be - from vibrant, extrovert aunts in my childhood to big family gatherings, to images of National Lampoons where the spirit stayed strong no matter how many things went wrong for the hapless protagonist. I, too, wanted the big, loud, noisy family Christmas with everyone around. And what I've learned for sure is this: it's a pipe dream. When I think about it, it isn't really what I want at all. In fact, (very like the thought of having an Aga) the practicalities and logistics of it actually becoming real actually sound like nothing but a pain in the arse. And it was with this realization that I was able to adjust my expectations.

Look at all these threads on MN, where families are putting unreasonable expectations on people, women are expected to take on the burden of hosting and doing all the work, where they keep 'alternating' between parents when all they want is some peace in their own homes, and where, 3x out of 5, they are putting up with a situation they don't want to be in out of a sense of duty. That's the reality I wasn't taking account of with my childlike 'dream' Christmases. I now think, 'no thanks!'

If you don't feel like a tree, why not just string some pretty, coloured lights around to cheer the place up? I always loved mine, even when I was onto a complete downer about Christmas. (Quite funny really that the Griswold-style exterior lights started out as a parody)!

you aren’t wrong that much of the attention of Christmas is family centered. That said, I have had many wonderful christmases with just my DH. They honestly never felt any less festive to me. I suppose it is just what works for you.

if you don’t feel the day works for you, change things. Try traveling or ask for a Christmas gift that gives you a project that you will want to start right away or a new hobby tool to play with. It helps to not expect to follow the formula of what other people think christmas must look like.

It must be very hard to have no family at all...and I think ops situation is unusually hard because her dh has no family. I can imagine that's quite difficult especially at Christmas. I don't think it's helpful to tell op that having family is awful and her day sounds perfect. I'll be honest, the happiest people I know have large, close families. I do have family, but it's shrunk in recent years due to death and many live far away. I think the hype around Christmas can make a lot of people feel sad. I tell what does irritate me, the endless cooking shows on TV that assume everyone is cooking for 20 people and has numerous friends endlessly dropping by for champagne and canapés...I can't wait till January!

Sorry to hear you feel that way. It's just me, my DH and our dogs. Families live on the ortherside of the world.
I love our xmas together. We sleep in , open presents in bed. Mooch around in our pj's, take the dogs down to the beach, cook up a feast (my DH is a chef) and drink loads of bubbles and watch movies. Absolutely no fuss/stress, never feel like I'm missing out.
You need to reframe what xmas is to you.

I know you mean well but that’s a highly insensitive comment. OP may not be able to afford kids, may have previously lost a child, may be struggling with infertility, or may have given up trying to have kids and is trying to come to terms with that. Or she may simply not want any, if so, her feelings are still valid. Even if she were to have kids, it still may not fix the feeling of sadness at not having a close extended family.

It doesn't. I had one child - wanted more but couldn't - after battling infertility for nearly a decade.

Still didn't necessarily make me feel less lonely at Christmastime, or miss my mum any less.

I would find it sad too but that’s because Christmas being all about families is pushed down our throats in order to sell stuff. It has often occurred to me that it must make lots of people feel bad.

I second the pps who advise getting involved in group activities. Hikers and outdoor groups might suit you and your DH? A group which sets a Christmas/new year challenge such as climbing a peak or swimming outdoors - perhaps to raise money for a charity - then celebrating with some well-earned festive drinks.

Also I second volunteering - but not just suddenly at Christmas - get involved in something year-round.

And put up that tree! Your DH will love that you cared enough about you both to make the effort!

I think your Christmas sounds lovely. As others have said the family Christmasses can be a bit of a myth. I tend to spend Christmas running around buying everyone else’s presents, making sure everyone has food they like etc etc and last year the only family present I got was a £4 candle and the gift of Covid. I do like the collective film watching etc etc, but I feel tired and a bit resentful sometimes.

I'm sorry to read you're feeling down but omg, I'm inviting myself to yours for Christmas! I tell you now that the 'family' Christmas isn't all it's cracked up to be and I'm absolutely dreading it like I do every year.

I'll gladly lend you my mother in law as she's visiting us - this is the lady that can't stand me, hasn't spoken to me for months and is only coming to see our cat, not her grandson or son, just our cat. You couldn't make it up!! 😳😳

I do understand what you are saying. Xmas can bring family relationships into sharp focus . Most families aren't chocolate box perfect but I do get at least they are there!
But you have a lovely DH to spend Xmas with. Imo it's still worth getting a tree and decorating particularly if it would make you happy. Make more traditions like your morning hike. Maybe a theatre show, trip into city to see Xmas lights , Xmas markets, ice skating etc. Lots of festive things you and DH could do together.
Do you have friends, neighbours, work colleagues you suggest a night out with or invite round for mulled wine and mince pies?
In the grand scheme of things xmas will be over soon and normal life will resume.

Christmas is just me and my dogs, same as every other day. Be grateful you have a husband to share it with.

What about going to a spa hotel for Christmas one year as a change. We go out for Xmas lunch and often fantasies about booking a room and spending the evening in the spa, my parents only don't go abroad for Xmas as we have DS. Could you spend it with friends we would always welcome anyone to join our table.

I hear you, it really used to get to me in my 20s, 30s, and early 40s until I found a way to make it work for me (helps now that the partner will be working over Christmas so we have to have an early or a late celebration instead). Yes, I could have visited family with kids, but I always ended up feeling like a spare part. Plus in some years there were fights. Actual, stand up fights. (My family's sort of like Eastenders, just in the North of England.)

So some of the things I do now to get through it include:

• making sure we have food in for the day that has happy childhood associations (though Quality Street and After Eights really aren't the same these days with all that palm oil!)
• Getting to a midnight carol service if I can and/or listening to the service from King's
• Putting together a YouTube playlist of favourites old and new (Fairytale of New York; Spaceman Came Travelling; Mary Did You Know and many more)
• Watching a few of my favourite Christmas movies and specials (When You Were Sleeping; Die Hard I and II; various Eastern European fairytale movies from the 1980s...)
• Putting up lights rather than a tree
• Buying a couple of gifts for a charity - check with your local Salvation Army or Foodbank to see what type of things they need
• Having a massive clearout of STUFF, including files on my computer
• One year I drove to Hadrian's Wall and had a picnic all to myself before taking photos of the landscape, the roads were gloriously empty and photography is a hobby; in a previous job I had a friend whose husband used to work security over Christmas and she used to go birdwatching and loved it as it was SO peaceful compared to normal days.

And by the time I've done all that, it's time to go back to work....

This is a brill idea. I might do this one year. To be honest the only thing I’m excited about this Christmas is looking after my brother’s dog.

Sounds like a perfect day to me but I get it if it reminds you of things that have left voids.

How about a swanky hotel stay for the few days?

It is a case of grass is greener. I hate my family Christmas. All the things that aren’t dealt with are still just there and simmering under the surface, the people who should be there but aren’t are glaringly obvious and awkward elephants in the room. Everyone is polite but it’s uncomfortable and just done because nobody wants to just admit this is shit. I much prefer it when we have Christmas at home just me and DH, although we now have DH.

If you want the sense of community there’s loads of things you can do. Carol services, see if the pub has a Christmas activity on one night. If you have a rotary they often do Santa, even if you don’t have kids it’s nice to see the kids getting excited.

As PP suggested build your village. You already volunteer so you’ve started. Find hobbies near you or challenge yourself to take up a new hobby. The organisation you volunteer with would miss you if you weren’t there, you’re already making a difference and an impact on people. It might only be small but they would still notice. I’ve moved away from my family and while I’m still close to them, our village is people we’ve met through our life, our dogs and DD but it doesn’t need to be those things. It can be any number of things that bring people together.

For many years when I felt obliged to buy over 30 presents I dreamt of a Christmas like yours - the big family Christmas isn’t so much fun if your the one who has to do everything to prepare for it.
So sorry you feel like this but the grass isn’t greener. I do I think you decorate- string of lights and a candle at least .

Or buy a lighted tree from John Lewis/eBay. Instant Christmas without the hassle.

Bah! Humbug!

Ah OP

Find a nice friendly church in your area, go along to church on Christmas Eve, the peace and beauty of that service is lovely, or go along on Christmas Day and start belting out some lovely Christmas songs.

That's what Christmas is really all about