Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

I voted YANBU, but really, I think, Xmas belongs to kids.

You have a husband. That’s your family.

My family is my two dc. Zero extended family. So it’s just us. I do sometimes feel sad that they don’t have people to spoil them and make a fuss of them. But I was reading a thread the other day full of people feeling obliged to spend Xmas with people they don’t like, having to make too many compromises, etc. We are fed this image of full happy families gathering harmoniously round the dinner table. I bet it’s not like that for at least half of us.

if I were you, if I could afford it, I’d:

• decorate my home modestly (sweet, classy tree, handful of carefully-selected baubles), some fairy lights, candles.
• treat myself to some gifts I’d maybe not normally buy (splurge on a new fancy perfume, for example)
• book a holiday away (maybe to a country that doesn’t do Xmas) over the actual Xmas day period (maybe 23-27)
• pick a few presents for children you know who might not get much, or might not have anyone else to make them feel like anyone else cares. I grew up in a single-parent home with no extended family, it was only ever my mother and two siblings. I remember one Xmas, my mother had been seriously poorly, though had still managed to get us gifts and there was enough food, someone had packaged up some sweet gifts for us. It was soooo nice to feel for the first time in my life that there was community out there. I would have been about 12, and remember getting a lovely little notebook, a nice pen, a lipstick holder/case, chocolate selection box, few other little things like that. Nothing excessive, just a few little things that showed someone was thinking of us. Made my day! Sadly I’ve repeated that pattern and my children have no extended family (not local. One set of GPs who don’t do gifts). I have one dear erstwhile colleague (retired now, not local), no kids of his own, who sent me some money to buy the kids a little something from him and his wife, which has really made my day again.

i hope you have a nice Xmas, OP.

Whilst there are some people who would love a Christmas like you described !!

I totally get where you’re coming from and what you’re saying but it’s like anything in life, you get out what you put in.

Please put the decorations up, count your blessings
This Christmas is going to be so hard for so many people for lots of different reasons.

There’s lots of lonely elderly people why not see if there’s any befriending schemes in your area
Where you could spend an hour or so or a animal rescue that could do with another helping hand.

I'm sure there will be a place for you to go and volunteer xx

We've lived abroad for the last 8 years in Muslim countries - so while we celebrate it amongst ourselves it's not such a fuss like it is in the UK. We've always gone on holiday at Christmas time , or when we've been at home woke up opened presents and had a nice lunch and took the kids somewhere on the afternoon. We much prefer it that way

I used to hate Christmas as a young adult (result of many years of family fights on Christmas day). But one of the best I had was volunteering at Crisis. Might be something to consider with your DH for part of the day if there is something like that near you. Then back home for booze and food.

Great idea to help out on Xmas day!

I think you just have to appreciate what you have and be greatful. Having a big family is not always what it's cracked up to be. There is no gurantee you will all get along and don't get me started on having to force myself to visit family members I don't like or get along with just because they are family!

Once parents pass away family is about kids and grand kids. I don't know your reasons for not having any children but if you feel like that is what is missing on your life maybe you could consider fostering...

DH and I do have family and now a child but before we were married, we spent a couple of Christmases just the two of us, we lived a long way from my family and his lived abroad. It was still nice, going for a long walk, having dinner and chilling with champagne. It does tend to be made to feel like it's all about family with the adverts on tv showing massive gatherings but quite honestly it can be what you choose to make it.

OP has said she craves a 'village' as someone put it earlier, but you've disregarded that to say deep down it's not about Christmas but about not having kids.

People on here have talked of having kids who they don't see over Christmas as they aren't invited.

Childless people can have a fun Christmas, again, like others have said, it's about having people around if that's what you like, but those people don't have to be your children.

@Bobbie1976 I've just seen your response to my above post, which I'm failing to understand.

Why is my remark disgusting?

My post was in response to another poster telling the OP to 'just have some kids' or something of that nature, when the OP had already mentioned her struggle with infertility.

I felt the 'just have some kids' remark cruel, and as I said in my post, extremely crass; I fail to see how my remark was disgusting.

I don’t want to sound presumptuous but have you ever considered fostering or adoption?

This is HIGHLY presumptuous @User435787532 . You sound very patronising and lacking in understanding of the situation for childless women. I wish people would STOP saying this to childless women. It's so so thoughtless.

Instead we should all be working towards a society where ALL KINDS of families - yes, even a single person is a family, and is part of a family - are accepted. Where no-one says "Oh Christmas/Easter/birthdays/whatever is mainly for children".

Where everyone can feel part of various communal celebrations in our calendar.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere
did you quote the wrong person there as your reply doesn’t fit with the post you’re quoting

Oops, turns out I did. Sorry @Annabelle3
Meant to quote the below....

@User435787532 · Yesterday 10:47

OP I’m sorry you’re feeling down. I haven’t rtft but something about what you are saying made me feel I should reply. While I agree with many posters about the grass not being greener etc I felt what came through in your messages was a sadness about not having children. It’s a subject we shy away from for fear of sounding insensitive, and I’m sorry if I am being, but I get the feeling it may be about this as opposed to just the xmas bit. You sound like you have so much love to give and deep down a maternal instinct which can usually be suppressed, until the dreaded Xmas period comes around, and let’s be honest it’s inescapable. I worked in a children’s home for years and I found Xmas so tough. Those kids should have be in a family home and no matter how special we tried to make things, it wasn’t the same. I don’t want to sound presumptuous but have you ever considered fostering or adoption? You’re such a perfect age and you sound like you would do the most amazing job. It’s not easy and not for everyone, but like so many have said neither is being a biological parent! Maybe something to think about in the new year. Lots of Christmas love and hugs 💖

I hear you, OP. I’ve always longed for big family Christmases. For many years, it was just me at Christmas and I dreaded it — although, like you, I was fine (and good at keeping myself busy) the rest of the year. There’s something about Christmas that makes it very difficult, though: things shut down; friends go home to see family… I don’t have specific suggestions (though agree with the PP who suggested making your own traditions) but just wanted to say I know how it feels.

I helped out with Crisis for Christmas one year when I was on my own. A great thing to do and it’s lovely to bring fun and pleasure into other peoples lives.

There’s something about Christmas that makes it very difficult, though: things shut down; friends go home to see family…

yes, the world literally closes down for days, making it hard to keep busy, see people etc

I started reading your thread and just thought, why don’t you invite people? Create your own village as a poster suggested. You might be surprised how many people would jump at the opportunity to be hosted, to not host their own family (often under duress) and Christmas is more than one day. We have a big friends Christmas lunch on a weekend prior to Christmas (way more fun than many of our family Christmases) and have other traditions (walks etc) with other people. Christmas Day itself is often very quiet with just MIL and irritating BIL.

But then I read “DH isn’t very social”. Don’t be lonely at a Christmas because you are married to an introvert/anti social type. Do have a conversation that says you would like to see more people more regularly and would like him to make an effort for you. Otherwise he will just get worse as he gets older and you will be very very isolated in old age. I’ve watched it happen to my Mil though ironically she’s the antisocial one. When FIL passed away she suddenly found herself with no one at all in her life unless she visited us hours away.

I usually spend Christmas alone, or some years with my DP when he's not working.

We've never bothered with it, to be honest. Don't have a tree or do presents. We usually just go for a bike ride.

But the difference is I don't care, I don't get the fuss about Christmas once you're over the age of about ten and it doesn't bother me.

It clearly bothers you and I feel for you. The fact is, if you want Christmas to be special you have to try and put a bit of effort in and...pretend, I guess. And hopefully the real feelings will follow.

My sincere apologies to the OP and anyone else if my comments were taken as patronising and presumptuous as some people have commented. It really was not my intention to come across as insensitive and I did attempt to caveat my post in order for it to not appear in this way. I guess it didn’t work!

I certainly don’t think that a family must include children to be a family, I appreciate that family means something different to everyone. I interpreted the OPs comments in a way that I felt raising the topic of adoption or fostering may be appropriate on this occasion, particularly this comment:

Loud kids and family tantrums sounds amazing to me! Any life and activity other than my own. I appreciate the 'grass isn't greener' sentiment though.

I wouldn’t dream of making a similar comment to someone who had chosen not to have children. I guess it could still be perceived as inappropriate and as I say I apologise if that was the case.

I’m also aware of the OPs comments regarding infertility. I understand the devastating emotional impact of infertility and the feeling of loss this brings, particularly at this time of year. I don’t for a minute underestimate this. Nor am I suggesting adoption or fostering is some magic fix. Perhaps it wasn’t the right thing to say but I go back to my earlier comments as to why I decided to mention this.

I guess we all come at things from our own perspective and based on our own background and personal experiences. I personally have a deep emotional connection to children who are in care and this probably dictated my response. The fact that there are so many children currently in the care system in the UK, who will be feeling the exact same way as the OP this Christmas struck me as a terrible irony.

I have a lot of gay friends who are childless and/or estranged from their families.
They tend to get together with similar friends around Xmas and have what one couple we know call the 'orphans Xmas' where there'll be 8/10 of them doing the dinner playing games etc.
Some years they'll go abroad together. The mix of people changes depending on circs, as some are from overseas so may be here in the UK one year and with their families the next.
It sounds like amazing fun! Can you do similar? We're lucky enough to have both family and kids so haven't had the chance to join in.