Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

So your New Years resolution needs to be to find your tribe and make you own family; they don’t need to be blood relatives. Then next year you can have a ‘family’ Christmas.

Get out there in January talking to everyone you meet, taking every opportunity you can. Yes your friends are busy so they will appreciate someone organising/arranging stuff.
Come in op next year can be completely different if that is what you want.

I also have a small very disjointed family where often i don’t want to see them anyway.

i make Christmas special a few ways (not including my children). I have a different night out with each of my friends. Adds to the build up. I visit Christmas markets, see a Christmas play (not a panto) or show, visit a choir, go to a carol night, volunteer, cinema nights of Xmas films, do gifts for children in care, do a Christmas light walk through.

at home I’ll get all the food in that I adore and really pour myself over it.

i have terrible Christmas memories, so I try to really savour it and make up for that, not for the children but for me and it drips down to the kids by extension.

i am not even religious but there’s some real joy to be found in Christmas even if you don’t have a family x

I have a relative who loves loves Xmas but has no children. She does the shoebox appeal so she gets the fun of choosing and wrapping presents for an unknown child, plus she knows she’s done a good thing. Or buy toys for pets and drop them off at a rescue.

Perhaps you just need to change it up. It sounds as if your Christmas is just like an everyday weekend. The irony is of course there are so many women looking for a rest at Xmas but are instead going to be non stop shopping, cleaning and cooking for too many people, and there will be the opposite of single people feeling left out.

For various reasons I will be completely solo this year but because this is the first in any many years when I don’t have to be mummy Christmas and do everything, I shall thoroughly enjoy it. I’m actually looking forward to not putting up the tree.

But you are a family - I consider myself and DH a family. Can you connect with some others locally over the festive period? There’s too much pressure in society around some mythical perfect Christmas. Enjoy the downtime with your DH and try not to compare to others

I think you have a small point although your Christmas afternoon sounds perfectly regular and normal and lovely! With a part time job and your volunteer work is there a Christmas do/Christmas cards that whilst has nothing to do with the actual day is still part of that Christmas "feeling" ?.

Christmas is what you make it. I do sympathize though and almost identify actually with what you're feeling. Christmas always used to be a family thing with me, my parents and my mums parents but my dad and mums parents have all passed on now. I have a boyfriend but don't live with him. My mum asks me every year if she should get some crackers and I always say no I don't know why she asks it's so depressing compared to how it used to be.

It will all be over in 4/5 weeks anyway just hold tight and grin and bear it. Least you have your lovely DH.

Christmas is family - whether your family is one person, blood related or not. Do things for you on Christmas Day itself - it sounds wonderful xx

Don't know your financial circumstances and not asking what they are but if I was in your position and could afford it, at Christmas I'd head off somewhere to sit on a beach in the sunshine with a cocktail and a gorgeous hotel.

Just wanted to say that was such a sweet comment of yours x

I think that sounds absolutely lovely to be honest! Me and DH had a couple of xmases before children where it was just the two of us, and we treated it as a random Sunday which was just lovely. Had a chilled day with a nice brunch, and then a "posh" dinner and usually lots of wine 🤣 Have you looked at volunteering? A few friends of mine who are on their own go and volunteer for Age UK or a homeless shelter in the day, then come home and have their fave dinner in front of a film

Different strokes for different folks.

Not much comfort but your day sounds pretty nice compared to mine of making small talk with relatives I dislike, and feeling like you're participating in a get together charade for the sake of tradition.

What you see online and instagram or shots that have taken careful time and stupid planning and filter to make sure you feel this way.they are a literal snapshot and often bullshit.don’t ever get sucked in comparing

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit

This sounds amazing to me, my perfect Christmas Day 🙂

I think we are fed a load of rubbish through social media, tv (tv adds are the worst) and films as to how Christmas should be and growing up Christmas was more about family, visiting friends and going to Christmas parties. Some of us love these things but many of us also dread them. I don’t think there are many people now that have the perfect family Christmas.

For me Christmas is a huge hype, I hate the huge build up to the ‘big day’, I dread visiting family and having to try and find them gifts that they will like and I have receiving fits and having to pretend I love them.

We have a very low key Christmas, just my 2 DD’s and I, my dad may visit but that’s about it, if I didn’t have the DC’s I would probably go for a hike and book a table in a pub for lunch.

OP, your Christmas sounds perfect and stress free 😊

I'm sorry you feel alone OP, how does your DH feel about it? As in does he also want to seek a village or close the doors to everyone? A friend posted a link for some sort of over Xmas hiking thing so people would be together as a group but obv that sort of stuff only works if you're both looking for it.

Do you not have an Xmas do with work? What about your volunteering stuff - certainly not to late to propose something.

I think it's easy to say be glad of the peace etc if that's what you want or that's not what you have but if what you want is something different, that's ok too

I get where you are coming from. We are a small family - me DH and adult DD who is living 100 miles away, although she will becoming home for Christmas.

Both sets of parents are dead. DH and I both have sisters who live hundreds of miles away and spending Christmas with either of them isn't possible, so our Christmas is always quiet and underwhelming.

I don’t understand you saying Christmas is for families and not putting a tree up .
Christmas is for everyone,I’d put a tree up and eat the dinner if it was just me ,but your not alone you have a dh,so you have a family ,just the 2 of you ,but still a family
get thee to Tesco get a tree and some decks and have a great time putting it up .
wrap presents for each other ,
I adore Christmas,Christmas is for me ,I’m just a child within ,I’m getting a care Bear this year ,grumpy bear ,to sit with the pink one I got last year .

You can’t be happier than happy. It sounds like without the “pressure” of Xmas you would be happy doing your own thing. Maybe do something different this year? A holiday (if finances allow), or a meal out, or Xmas with friends? It’s just one day.

Xmas is always more special when young children are around but when they grow up it reverts to a more sedate affair for most families. For me, since losing my daughter 3 years ago, I dread it and can’t wait until it’s over. No cards, no decs. Just try to get through it. I tell myself it’s just another day. It could be worse op.

I understand you OP. As a childless widow I try to make Christmas as cheerful as possible by putting up my tree, hang a garland on my front door, and decorate my stairs with a 'swag of baubles' for want of a better description.

Have you any friends or neighbours you could ask over for a coffee/sherry and mince pie, just to break up the day?

Go to an advent (often this weekend) or candlelit carol service (probably mid December) at a church. There will be candlelight and singing. If there is a choir with voices soaring, the beauty will touch your soul. If it's the people singing, enjoy the carols! There will then be mincepies to enjoy after with the other attendees: for that moment, you are part of that tribe.

I started doing this as not having a big family or work dos or many friends myself. Trust me, it helps: Christmas is beautiful at this moment.

I know a CofE church in this town also does a 'Blue Christmas' service; 'for those who find Christmas hard'.

Have you thought about inviting someone even more lonely in for a meal? An older person, who has no family perhaps?

Or volunteering for something like Crisis?

It may give you some joy to help others, rather than thinking about what you don't have. I don't mean that in a pious way but Xmas is about giving, not receiving.

There may be charities on your doorstep or even London where you can volunteer or take in someone for the day and give them a lovely day.

@MarieInternette

I think it can sound a bit trite to say 'go and help at a charity' in answer to people's problems. But in this case, genuinely, go and help at a charity on Christmas Day - dinner for the homeless/elderly people/a hospital ward/whatever. You will have all the fun and festive cheer you need, you will be making people very happy and you will feel like part of a community. It might even be your best Christmas to date, and you can do pyjamas and prosecco on Boxing Day instead.

Happy Christmas, OP - and don't forget to watch It's a Wonderful Life as well.

"Christmas belongs to families".
No.
It belongs to Christians. It also belongs to everyone celebrating the winter solstice, to groups of older people getting together to have Christmas dinners, to the whole office going out for a massive party, to couples and to friends sharinf dinner and presents.

Just enjoy your day, OP. Prosecco, long hikes and board games with the person you love sounds just perfect!

I go to my mother's who is difficult and selfish. I desperately wish I could drop off the face of the earth and just be on my own for Christmas.

Hi OP and sorry you feel so low about this.

Not RTFT but agree with some responses that your DH is your family and that is lovely. Plenty of people do not have a big family and that's fine.

I do think your Christmas day sounds lovely, and so would many who deal with multiple demands of other people, but I also see that this is not helpful to you.

But if I were you, I would certainly put up a tree. Go to a wreath-making class, put up some lights, go to a carol service. And yy why not invite round some neighbours for a get-together on Chr eve or Boxing Day? when I was little we went to the neighbours every Christmas morning (!) - the whole street, so about eight or nine families. Actually very few of them, looking back, had children. They all had a tree, they all seemed to have a nice time.

The suggestions about getting involved in charity are also good. I imagine many charities are desperate for volunteers on Christmas Day. Or do you have any older neighbours who are literally on their own? They might be glad of an invite for Christmas evening or lunch?