Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

I would have loved to have had children.

Unfortunately a violent attack some years ago led to my infertility. Despite a long journey of IVF and many surgeries...

Mumsnet has been a great source of information and support and that's why I'm here (just in case anyone thinks I shouldn't be here! This place can be tough but there are truly amazing people too and I don't want to leave!).

Thank you for your reply here 💐

Bloody hell, get some sensitivity, empathy or consideration

OP Funny story which I hope perhaps might help. DH and I have no children. We are outdoorsy- as it sounds as if you and your DH might be. And we are both quite shy etc. I happened to mention to a very nice neighbour that our plans for Christmas included a walk and then sandwiches (pleasant, but nothing special) and a flask of coffee on a local remote beach. Lo and behold, several more of our neighbours turned up to try to find us. They had decided to take a walk while their turkey or whatever was cooking. We ended up having a very jolly social time!

For us - although I respect Christian teachings - the midwinter/Christmas magic is all about starry skies and frost and deer coming down from the hills, even though they eat our roses, etc.

You say you plan to go for a hike. Perhaps you might consider inviting some friends/neighbours to come to the same place to meet you, just for half an hour or so - and for perhaps a piece of Christmas cake cut into convenient slices? I can think of few things better than Christmas cake to provide the energy boost needed on a cold winter hike.

Should have said the APPALLING suggestion by another poster to 'have children' could not have been less sensitive or in worst taste. I hope that poster is thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Have you thought of volunteering at a homeless Xmas dinner hub for the morning? It will make you feel grateful for you do have, it will help others and then you can go home enriched for your evening together.

My bereaved aunt did this one Christmas....she said it made her feel worse. Apparently where she volunteered was overrun with volunteers on Christmas day so she felt utterly useless. I appreciate that her experience may not be the norm.

So sorry you're feeling sad @JunoWhovian. I think Christmas always brings so many emotions to the surface, no matter how much we battle against them. Thinking of those no longer with us, our families shrinking and also the awful hype which always makes one think everyone else is having a better time, embracing all sorts of family traditions and having lots of fun. Often that's just a fantasy peddled by the advertisers.

We start our Christmas from 1st December - putting up decorations, eating different food and festive type drinks like cider brandy and kirsberry, watching Christmas films and generally enjoying our low key preparations. We find it takes away the awful pressure of Christmas Day and Boxing Day as we've already had a nice time, just the two of us and our two cats. We view it as a kind of winter festival and a chance to do a few things differently and have treats throughout the month. I find Christmas Day bittersweet - memories of previous Christmases with loads of extended family and it was my Mum's birthday on Christmas Day too. But also I realise that we still have much to celebrate and enjoy with our small family. I hope you manage to make some changes and start doing some more things to bring you peace and joy. Very best wishes.

For years it was just me and DH. We now have a small DD so Christmas is different this year. But we do have family. Parents, siblings. We used to do the dutiful thing and spend it all together. Then one year we decided we'd had enough of all the running around and pleasing everyone else and stayed home. Just us. We have our little tree, eat what and when we want and go for a nice walk. We appreciate the quiet, peaceful, slow day. Everyone's Christmas looks different, some people need everyone around them, others yearn for the kind of day you have. Yours sounds perfect to me! No sister who has to be centre of attention at all times or DM/MIL passing judgement on everything, from the way you raise your child down to the outfit you've chosen to wear. Bliss.

@JunoWhovian sorry you’re feeling lonely. This time of year can make you question everything.

Don't have any great advice- your Xmas day sounds lovely! But I think these feelings can be helpful and tell you something about what’s missing in your life.

it sounds like you miss being part of a ‘village’ so maybe it’s about spending the next year creating that ‘village’ or ‘family’ from like minded people?

I'm in a different situation but my DC are going to their dads Xmas eve and Xmas day so I'll be on my own til boxing day. I've signed up to do 2 x shifts at the day centre for homeless people in the afternoons. I'm more than happy to enjoy the peace and quiet generally but I do feel that my time could be better spent. I might take a tip from you and go for a hike as well!

@JunoWhovian its the first Sunday of Advent today! Have you got a candle to light? I’ve just put up our candle bridge in the window. Winter cosiness! 🕯

Whenever I see those Christmas Ads, with 16 people squeezed around a table, I always think that there's some poor fucker sweating their rocks off in the kitchen, just wishing those greedy bastards would leave! I've been that person, when I was married to ExH, all his relatives would descend on us at various times of the year, and expect to be fed, watered, waited on hand and foot, it was awful. Then they would dirty the bedsheets, use a million towels, never lift a finger to help. I had at one point 38 people to buy presents for , it was SO stressful. After our divorce, I met a man with a small family, and it's been so much nicer and more of a two way street. However, now children have flown the nest it's almost too quiet! Adult son will come home, but daughter is abroad. I'm booking the three of in for local quizzes and meals etc

I know what you mean OP.
We have no kids, and although we do have family they're all quite some distance away. So we've a few calls to catch-up, but mostly a lot of time to ourselves. Tbh, we both quite like having some time just to us without work. But we also enjoy using the holiday period to catch-up with a couple of other couples in similar circumstances - for a walk, or a meal. Unfortunately our closest friends moved away a couple of years ago and we're now starting to miss their visit in the week-between.

There are thousands of people in a similar position. You may already know people in the same position that might enjoy getting together for a meal/drink/walk in the-betweens. But because we all tend not to talk about such feelings, we pass like ships.

I’m sorry you feel that way OP. I’m from a southern hemisphere country and have a big family. Our culture/religion don’t celebrate Christmas the way Christians do but it is a massive holiday season for us. Lots of family get togethers. It’s fun but can be so stressful.

I moved to the UK a few years ago and dreamed of a magical, cozy white Christmas. My husband who is from here doesn’t come from a large family but there are enough of them that could make that magical Christmas. However his parents don’t talk much to their extended family. Christmas at theirs is just not fun. A tick box event my dh calls it. Now that he and his sibling are older, (the sibling has children we don’t), his mum tries to make it into a hallmark Christmas and it feels off.

There’s no real joy or warmth, everything is structured and feels manufactured. My DH used to feel like you do despite having a family so for the last 5/6 Christmas’s ours have been exactly like the one you have with your husband. We genuinely do love it. We go overboard in decorating our flat, we plan Christmassy things for the whole of December - theatres, pubs, markets, mini trips, any Xmas events we can find we try to do it.

Come back to MN after Christmas & NY and read about the dramas and crappy time that some families have had. It isn’t always a magical thing.

It is a lonely time of year for those without family - just try and enjoy it as a day with DH. Far too much importance is placed on it and its over in a flash anyway.

See, I would love what your day is. No pressure to do anything. I guess the grass is alwaysbgr

Christmas is renowned for being miserable for some, I have 3 young kids and a DH & family round this year and I’m eternally grateful for it. Because I know it might not always be this way so take the time to take mental pictures on the day and soak it all in, despite the stress. I’m sorry you feel this way OP, but I would definitely still do the tree etc (I enjoy that part personally though.) But I do sympathise.

Gah! Hit post too soon when trying to delete some erroneous letters! The grass is always greener on the other side. When it was just me and dh we would still have a tree but to be fair we did go to my parents for Boxing Day and occasionally Christmas Day.
Are there any local events happening that you can go along to? I am not religious but have really enjoyed the churches Christtingle service in the past and I'd love to go to a midnight mass at the cathedral.

@kateandme

What you see online and instagram or shots that have taken careful time and stupid planning and filter to make sure you feel this way.they are a literal snapshot and often bullshit.don’t ever get sucked in comparing

This is so True ...thank you 🙏

It’s a. Shame there isn’t a scheme in place so people can swap their Christmas,bit like wife swap ,but Christmas swap .
so people can post what they usually do on Christmas Day ,and look for something different,then arrange to swap ,like Christmas Eve at 12 ,untill teatime Boxing Day .

Christmas belongs to love. In all forms.

Had you thought of volunteering in a shelter or kitchen for the day?

TangledWeb You do you, of course, and i mean ABSOLUTELY no criticism, and I think your message is very kindly meant, but traditionally advent was a time of fasting, repentance and reflection, to prepare for the joyous events of Christmas. Makes sort of sense - our feelings are lowered and reflect - at leat uo here - the miserable weather and very short hours of daylight. For Christian belivers, advent - the four weeks before Chruistmas were also a time for meditation and soul searching. 'What can I do be to worhy of the Christmas stoey?@ ' How can I make the world a better/kinder/fairer place etc'.

A candle is indeed a (very privitive) symbol of light over darkness - though realistically that symbolism only applies to those who can afford candles.

I'm sure I fail but I also see a lighted candle or tealight or even a match FFS as an invitation to try to do better - to try to do whatever very small thing might be within my power to try to make the world a better place.

As soon as I read the OP’s message I knew some w@nker would say that. What a thoughtless, insensitive, stupid comment that is! You have no idea if the op wants children, if she’s having fertility problems, has had a loss or numerous other issues that means she can’t have children.

Also having kids isn’t a solution to problems!