Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

I do feel for you OP. I grew up celebrating with lots of family but most have died and other than my sister, the rest have chosen to move abroad to places I can't afford to visit esp at Xmas time (besides which I work for NHS so can't take substantial leave at Xmas). Sister is 5 hours away and can't leave her OH. I do have kids so it is different but the 'lovely relaxing day' people describe is basically much like any other Sunday tbh. But there are things you can do to make things feel more festive. We are having friends round Xmas eve for nibbles and chat (and mulled wine) and I'm going to Kew gardens xmas light walk with another friend and we'll have an early xmas with my sister, for example. For those people who like to be part of something bigger, having a teeny tiny family can feel sad. Some people are unemphatic about that but I'd ignore that and focus on friends rather than family. Maybe you have other friends who feel similarly isolated and might love an invite on the day itself?

This is definitely hitting home - the undercurrent of this is really wanting my 'village'. I wonder if it's not actually about Christmas at all, but perhaps the only time I let these feelings surface.

Going away is a great solution, we have done this a few times; I've also loved volunteering which I'll be doing again, I think it's time though I look at how I can create more of that village/community around me that I can have all year, if that makes sense? Not just for Christmas!

This has been such a helpful thread, thank you!

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

You see, this sounds like my idea of the perfect day.

Sorry it’s making you feel sad OP, but lots of people find Christmas difficult for lots of reasons.

As other pp's have suggested, could u join a church? You don't have to be mega religious but there will be people there who could become friends, if you are willing to join in activities. Christmas Carol services are generally enjoyable as well 😀

We’re designed to live in villages, amongst an extended family that’s my idea of fucking hell
Purposefully moved away from small to urban large(zone 2) to escape village and extended family . I get on great with my family precisely because there’s distance and autonomy. no village no extension. Just the way I like it. The catalogue family all glossy hair and smiley is a confection for most folk , yet it’s Held up as something to strive to attain.
Christmas is what and how you chose to define it, so do it your way
Life isn’t the Disney channel all familied up in the village. Make it your Xmas,your way

@Applecottagetree your comment made me laugh. You are right and mumsnet will be full of Christmas Day horror stories come Boxing Day.

I definitely agree it's not a good idea to get bogged down with Christmas itself. Most people in this country are not celebrating the birth of Christ but using it as a festival of wild materialism, egged on by retailers. As if the more you buy, the more you love. Some of the mountains of presents some people give and get are obscene. As with anything most things work better in fantasy than reality - you just have to read the Xmas morning threads on here to see how fast and how bad things can go off track. Lots of stress about what to buy, where to go, who is being offended, how to afford it. All that waste and excess. Christmas is basically just some time off to spend how you like. And yes undertaking altruistic activities always makes you feel better, the opposite of the hedonistic treadmill.

I hated adult xmas until I had kids because of infertility (many years of feeling someone was missing at the table and the reminder that another year had passed and our trying and dreams failed again) but since having kids thats all magically fixed for me.

We dont have big family xmases, its just us and the kids and I do think there is magic in a small christmas too, I don't think you need a dozen people from multuple houses to make christmas christmas you can be your own nuclear family xmas.

I hear you, and I am often alone for Christmas, but I still love putting up sparkly decorations, lighting candles and attending carol services. I pop a card through every door in the cul-de-sac I live in - turns out there are some lonely older people who loved the gesture.
A walk on Christmas morning is full of 'Merry Christmas' wishes from strangers. Find your joy in the little things.

I didn’t mean that everyone has to literally live in a village nose-to-nose with their extended family...

I live far away from my family. I still have that connection, and a tribe. That’s what OP is missing.

I agree, I have always loved our Christmases (me, DH and the children). It’s stress-free, low-key and quiet. There’s magic to be had whenever your Christmas looks like.

However it’s very different if you feel alone in the world.

@JunoWhovian i think you’re on the right track. Wishing you a peaceful and contented Christmas season.🎄

Christmas doesn’t belong to anyone it’s a holiday in winter referencing a made up story, accompanied by some borrowed habits and a lot of sentimentality

I kind of know where you're coming from OP as a good wodge of relatives have died in the past few years. But OTOH it's not an unusual situation and to some extent it's in your own hands.
We always do Xmas parkrun so see quite a few friends there first thing. Am thinking of perhaps arranging a meetup with other local modestly-familied friends for the evening - if it doesn't come to fruition meh, but worth a try perhaps.
Sure we'd all love to be in a big, happy, well adjusted, local family (where someone else does the cooking maybe ;). ) but so so many of us aren't, one way or another. Just life really...

I have been feeling the same way as you OP but for different reasons. I started to write and say I understand how you are feeling but as I typed I realised that I do have to reframe how I see Christmas playing out. We won't have a tv commercial Christmas with all the family round the fire and brisk walks and board games. This year for the first time in 40 years of marriage DH and I will be alone. He has no interest in doing anything Christmassy - he isn't a grinch by any means - but wouldn't mind if I didn't put up any decorations or cook anything special.

We have been fed the line that this is one time of year when being selfish and putting ourselves first doesn't seem socially acceptable. We will visit my mum in the care home in the morning and late in the evening our oldest son and daughter in law will visit but apart from that we will be on our own with no one's needs to consider.

With zero expectations for me to do anything for anyone else I am actually thinking about what I would enjoy. I don't want to cook a roast dinner for two of us so we are going to have steak and chips and some nice desserts. We will have bread and cheese and sausage rolls in the evening and probably a little too much alcohol. On the 27th the family start arriving for New Year and it will be all systems go so I am planning for Christmas Day and Boxing Day to be as close to a holiday as I can make them. There will be no matching pj's, no romantic cooking together - just booze, blankets and a boxed set of something fun.

We only see a few family at Xmas but we have loads of friends. Maybe you need to really find a bigger friendship group. Invite them over to yours etc. you’ll soon get invites back

OP - if you read the stress, exhaustion and chaos some people with large families have on Christmas, you might think yourself fortunate 😂. You can always organise a Christmas drinks event with friends around Christmas or get involved in some of the Christmas events happening locally - create in effect the family you choose.

im sorry you’re feeling like this 💐

I used to feel the same, neither me or Dh have any family. I thought it would be easier with DC but it was so much harder. There’s loads of work and no one to help occupy the kids while you cook etc, but mostly because I worried about DC growing up and being angry about how isolated we are as a family. It was a very triggering day, even when I had my own family.

This might not be the right call for you, but I looked out for others who didn’t have extended family and have now built our own traditions and get together a with them.

Hope you find a way to make it easier for you.

Christmas is a few days a year that belongs to everyone, as a break from work and a winter cheer up. What you do with that time is entirely dependent on your wishes and your circumstances. Far fewer people experience it as the idyllic family occasion you have in mind. Many either like you don't have families, or they don't enjoy being around them.
Its very difficult when we're bombarded with all the family centric hype, but try to see it for what it is, marketing, rather than a reflection of everyones reality, and embrace your festive time off for what it is, rather than what it's not.
If I were you, finances permitting, I'd book a holiday and ignore the whole thing.

You could go out for lunch so that you are with a large group all having fun, then go home for a quiet evening. Or go away for a couple of days over Christmas.

or volunteer on Christmas Day and have your own meal in the evening or the next day. It must be great to feel part of something like that when you volunteer.

You could invite friends over in the evening, or on Boxing Day so there is something to look forward to.

Not all men are social in the way women are but some like to be useful and practical so build connections that way.

My dh is the same, works mad hours so doesn't have loads of mates because he doesn't have time. However, he joined a gardening club during lockdown and is still part of the gardening WhatsApp group. They're all organising their Christmas nightout which will be a winter bbq at the allotment. Fairy lights & Decorations round the shed which will be a makeshift grotto for the kids!

I think your Christmas sounds wonderful. But I do understand too. My family are far away and the numbers dwindle all the time. There's no friends to meet with anymore and while I have the magic of children at Christmas. I do feel that loneliness, it highlights how few close connections I have. I miss the Christmases of my younger years, parties and socialising freely.

I know as well I have so much that others yearn for, so I keep it quiet. I think its just how Christmas is, it highlights what you have and well as don't have.

So sorry you don't like that. We are just two and it's perfect. Tree up next Friday, and one more week of work. We have downloaded 31 movies tons of booze and delicious foods we won't leave the house for at least three weeks. Bliss. Lie ins hobbies and food yum yum can't wait

Your day sounds blissful op. I no it’s that horrible saying but you do need to flip your thinking. And add a few festive bits,then absorb and feel chrismtas for how it is for you. Rest in that space a while and soak up what you DObhave and what you can do. Get that music on. Get that tv on.put on some nice clothes. Get decorations up.lots of fiary lights or key for feeling cosy at Christmas ☺️.tree,crackers etc. do the works. Few tubs of chocolates. You no the drill.
what about going to the pub or is their a local activity on.is there a group walk even.
village caroling
church service
chrismtas market
have you seen crisis at chrismtas.they have soooo many opportunities.they run a whole program this time of year.
a local animal shelter
or any of those foster a dog shemes
local chrismtas dinner delivery for those in need
or just love the one you usually have maybe just sparkle it up a bit
trynnot to make the sadness a self for filled prophecy

Oh bliss

You just have to make the best of it. You do have a family, your DH. For what it’s worth (and I know this doesn’t change your own situation) I’m dreading it this year with me and my 2 teenagers, one who is non-verbal ASD and doesn’t ‘get’ Christmas and another who is severely depressed. I can’t cook. Me and DD will probably get a takeaway as a treat (DS only eats certain meals so will have his usual) and then we’ll watch Christmas films. I am considering a little drive up to an area of outstanding natural beauty near us that’s usually packed, for a nice walk with DC.