Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

I had a few Christmases alone as not close to my very small family and I only have a few close friends. It can really get you down (can't believe someone said get a grip!!). There are groups which run trips over Christmas for singles/friends, I know you're not single but maybe doing a stay in a nice lodge with a group of like minded folk would be the big social Christmas you're looking for? Not sure you can name drop companies but I've gone on trips with Large Outdoors and always loved the look of their Christmas and New Years events. You might even make some new friends to get together with in future!

Along of the lines of having a village - here's a TAD talk video that you also might like to watch.

Book both of you into a hotel for two nights, with a spa, and let someone else do the cooking and stuff! We have done it several times, and it is so relaxing!

I get it OP. Christmas is built up to be such a massive big deal with so much money and attention and hype and expectations. I don’t enjoy Christmas. you are not missing out, but every radio station, television programme, shop etc is making you feel like you are :(
Can you go away somewhere instead - so you have something nice to look forward to - skiing or summer sun?

I dont have a partner, no kids my lovely parents are dead and im an only childhave 2 cousins who dont live near me,thats only family i have,ive lots of friends run a social group with two of them, plenty of drinks meals etc before christmas. Beiing an only from a small family i never had big family christmases so im used to it.My parents and i used to go out for christmas lunch my mum would look at large family groups and say look at us 3 sitting here alone.my dad would say they probably only get together at christmas they probably dont like each other much at least we love each other,my dad never knew his parents was brought up by distant relatives so he wasnt into the family hype, my mum and i were his family.
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And hype is what is much of it is false and being with inlaws you dont like i dont bother with decorations, christmas day is one day and spending it alone doesent bother me.

You are unreasonable to suggest Christmas is for families Christmas is for everyone You aren't unreasonable to feel how you do though It's just me and my husband at Christmas although we have family. I have lots of my own wee traditions that make Christmas special and we enjoy a day together doing exactly what we want eating and drinking what we like and not having to suffer other people it's very relaxing Believe it or not lots of folk have the same kind of Christmas but it's not portrayed in films or on the big Christmas ads because that doesn't sell the big Commercialised Christmas that stores are full of Christmas is whatever you make it Enjoy it !

I understand. I do. I am 70 years old, with one son who lives 450 miles away, and one who lives 600 miles away. Neither get more than Christmas Day off. I cannot travel, and the distance is too far for them to come in late Christmas Eve, then leave Christmas afternoon. But my tree is up, my house is decorated, I shall cook an excellent dinner for myself and my little cat, and we shall have a quiet, lovely day and evening. We shall both open presents from each other, and one each from St. Nicholas, and be thankful that we have each other to pass the day with.

Christmas is very much what you make of it. For some, it is much harder than for others. But a lovely holiday can be managed for almost everyone.

i think its easy to fall for all the hype which is relentless and, of course, bollocks . I think you just need to reframe your thinking a bit. You have someone who loves you and a home. Maybe you could aim to really get out there and make more friends next year and invite them over next year if you need that sense of family?x

Thanks for this thread, I was actually discussing something similar to DH the other day. I get it, OP. This year feels a bit lonelier. I mean, I have an amazing DH and amazing parents who live nearby and we spend Christmas together, but no extended family, no loud get togethers, no large groups of friends. I did go through a miscarriage a few weeks ago and it's still raw, and besides that, I realised this year how many of my friends are not really friends.

However, I do make a big deal out of Christmas. We put the tree up, decorate the house, light Christmas candles and make the most of life. Sometimes I wish I had a 'village', but most days not really.

I hear you. I have a difficult relationship with Christmas, it brings up all sorts of memories, good and bad.

It will be just us four and, for my DSs, I long to be part of a big family Christmas Day as I had in my childhood. For a multitude of reasons it’s not possible. I realise I am very fortunate to have what I do, but humans are complicated and the village / tribe thing runs deep.

Develop your own traditions, have a tree or put up other decorations. Your day does sound lovely as it is but it’s the hype we’re fed, that gives us unrealistic expectations. Help with a charity Christmas dinner, it can be tiring but great fun.

And here’s me wishing I had a DH to share Christmas with. Larger families usually fall out around this period and it’s normally about where too spend Xmas, others not getting along.

The birth of Jesus Christ is all there is about Christmas. You can join a church and find lovely friends and learn the true meaning of it.

I am foreign married with an English guy and my mum in law isn't my cup of tea for Christmas. You aren't alone doing your own Christmas. I too adore going out alone.

Ahhh. The Cult of Christmas. I felt this post like a gut punch.

My Christmases as a child were magical. My maternal grandparents were the centre of our family life. On Christmas Day there were 12-14 adults round the Dinner table. Kids on the little Tables. Warmth. Laughter. Love. Games until well into the evening.

FFwd to the 2010s. It’s just DH and I. We have no immediate family and no kids. Whilst our day to day life is happy, Christmas is so hard.

So, we make it nice. We have lots of little traditions. Then, on the day, we cuddle up after Lunch and watch Christmas movies. Boxing Day we always do ‘something’. It’s one day.

It’ll be odd seeing Prince King Charles on TV.

We’re very blessed to live in a warm happy home.
I feel ya(!) count your blessings and don’t get drawn into the propaganda.

OP I’m sorry you’re feeling down. I haven’t rtft but something about what you are saying made me feel I should reply. While I agree with many posters about the grass not being greener etc I felt what came through in your messages was a sadness about not having children. It’s a subject we shy away from for fear of sounding insensitive, and I’m sorry if I am being, but I get the feeling it may be about this as opposed to just the xmas bit. You sound like you have so much love to give and deep down a maternal instinct which can usually be suppressed, until the dreaded Xmas period comes around, and let’s be honest it’s inescapable. I worked in a children’s home for years and I found Xmas so tough. Those kids should have be in a family home and no matter how special we tried to make things, it wasn’t the same. I don’t want to sound presumptuous but have you ever considered fostering or adoption? You’re such a perfect age and you sound like you would do the most amazing job. It’s not easy and not for everyone, but like so many have said neither is being a biological parent! Maybe something to think about in the new year. Lots of Christmas love and hugs 💖

Do you feel like this on other days, or just around xmas? If the former it may be something to look into. I assume if you haven't had children yet there's a good reason so wont' suggest that, but a more robust social circle perhaps.

Everyone needs a village, even a tiny one, and the size/quality of your village comes into sharper focus at this time of year.

Bravo the poster who came up with the village point, you absolutely hit the nail in the head

Everyone’s coming on saying how Christmas isn’t all that.but we don’t need to do that!it can be.some people have the best day ever.some of those will be single.families or all sorts.what op needs to beleive in is she too can have a great day.just as she is.and how she finds herself is perfectly ok to have a fabulous day. Christmas doesn’t need to be talked about as if it’s shit.it needs help to see what little joys op can bring.
oftrn that requires a lot more mental work than anything else.

I know what you mean, OP. I do have extended family but I live overseas from them and it's very lonely being unable to join them. Even more so for you as I can at least exchange messages or do a video call with my family but you don't have that option.

A quiet Christmas can be lovely but I know what you mean and I think the amount of fuss around the holiday does highlight how lonely it can be for many.

Actually it was originally a Pagan celebration for the winter solstice. I always think what a coincidence Jesus was born at the same time.

This!

Do yn

Do you want to adopt me and my DH? :) We have family but no-one invites us and we hate it. I never expected that we'd be alone on xmas day, but we have been for the last four and it's very hard. Knowing the rest of our families aren't makes it worse. I know how you feel regarding a tree etc, I feel the same and didn't bother the first time on our own, but as friends pointed out, we should make an effort for each other. So I suggest going to a nice garden centre, have some cake and coffee, buy a nice tree and decorations and go home, put Buble on, drink some fizz while dressing the tree. Yes, it hurts seeing other people's xmas's, my heart hurts knowing my estranged DS spends time with his partner's family and that others don't invite us, but I try and be glad there are also a lot of people in the world worse off than me. It doesn't take the pain away but I try. You and your DH have each other. Start your own traditions, visit xmas markets, go to a panto etc. X

@Middleagedspreadisreal DH and I are available for adoption too, for similar reasons. I love the build up to Christmas, we always do lots of things with friends, but for the last few years we have gone away over Christmas.

OP I don't know if it's any consolation to you but I think Christmas is away over-rated and mainly just for kids. I'll just be with my mum and to us it's just another day really. We'll do a roast and have chocolates and stuff, but we're not putting up any decorations or sending cards or anything like that. Christmas day is what, 14-16 hours wake time? It goes by so quickly and I'm always so glad to get it over and done with, I can never wait for it to be over. I'm looking forward to the 26th of December so I can stop seeing all the frikken Christmas threads taking up the Trending box. So many on here put far too much stock in and emphasis on one day of 14-16 hours, 24 hours all up, and I cannot wait until the Christmas threads disappear, I've been seeing them since bloody August! So if it's any consolation, a lot of us think the day is just several hours and it's so over-rated. Treat it as just another day, we will be.

If you’re in the East of England, few free to pm me. I’m a similar age and relatively harmless.
I think I’ve always craved a village. May be one of the reasons I’ve had four children. I’ve always liked the idea of them inviting all their mates over and it being bustling but it hasn’t worked out like that. But I am
lucky as I have them and they are lovely and will always welcome people.