To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

[Problemorno]

Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

You can feel however you please, rights don’t really come into it. If you choose not be in someone’s life I would assume you didn’t want any news of them.

@Itisbetter that makes sense, I guess they assumed we wouldn't care/want to know.

I would imagine the next of kin assumed you wouldn't want to be informed.

Maybe they assumed you knew? You said yourself you aren’t close with them

YANBU

we are NC with MIL but if she died DH would still like the option to attend a funeral etc. to make his peace of you like

Those options were taken from your mother and it’s not nice

I don't understand how you can feel annoyed, rightly or wrongly you were NC with her and that entails not hearing if she had died.

I am NC with my mum and wouldn't want to know if she had died. I would imagine that people who wanted to be informed of news like that would be LC rather than NC.
If there was a chance that the NC person would be angry then I understand why it would be considered better to say nothing.

Understandable that your Mum feels a bit upset.

I think there is a case for ‘you can’t have it both ways’ though. Does going No Contact and being estranged mean that other relatives are obliged to act as messengers? They may feel very awkward about that. They may have assumed your Mum knew through other means. They may have felt it was not their place to break the estrangement, or that your Mum would not want to know, and might shoot the messenger.

I am sorry your Mum was so badly treated by her mother.

I suggest you speak to them.

You grandmother may have said she didn’t wish for your mother to be informed. Then they were not sure if your mum would want to be informed and struggled to make the decision.

They may even regret the decision now. But were struggling with how to tell her now.

When my mum died, I informed the sister she didn’t speak to. My mum said she didn’t want me to tell her if she died. whenever mum told me that, I told her I was going to and it wouldn’t make a difference to her as she would be dead. Which she used to accept with good humour. So it was quite easy for me to make the call. I still felt like I had betrayed her and done something wrong.

It’s really not an easy position to be in

My father didn't especially want my brothers informed. They hadn't spoken to my dad in ten years.

My sisters and I did however inform them (phoned in person) in case they wanted to attend the funeral, and it wasn't a particularly pleasant experience. In fact it was positively awful.

Maybe that's why your family members prevaricated, @Problemorno? They didn't want the difficulty of the conversations, or having to think about your potential funeral attendance. A bit weak in my view - I think funerals are for the living, not the dead, for people to make peace, pay respects etc - but perhaps an unease about how the news would be received, and potential funeral dramas, could have been behind it.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but

There's not really a "but" though is there?

Your Mum wanted nothing at all to do with her Mum.

That's it.

My DP is NC with his daughter, he has made it clear he does not want her at his funeral, he is not bothered whether she is told when he goes.

If you opt-out of someone’s life, you opt-out of their death.

It’s probably down to a few things which may or may not apply to your family.

-The first is that they didn’t really think about notifying you or your mother directly, assuming they were grieving.

-Assuming you wouldn’t care as you were NC

-Figuring the obituary did the job as intended

-Not wanting family drama by an estranged relative

I'm sorry but you cannot make peace at a funeral after someone has died . If you want to make peace you do it when someone is alive .

Odd you think you can decide how people make peace

very odd indeed

@PeachyPears

I can only guess you mean that your DH is getting some kind of closure, and peace for himself maybe.

You literally cannot make peace with another person once they have died . It is not odd to think that .

@PeachyPears it's not 'odd' at all...it's just a fact. You simply can't make peace with a dead person 🤷‍♀️ You can get closure, sure...by peacemaking is an active thing, requiring both (all) sides participating. I'm not judging by the way, I'm NC with my brother, and I'd still like to be informed if he died. Not because I want to 'make peace' though, simply to know 🤷‍♀️

Well yes

What other meaning would there be

We are NC for a reason, we don’t give a shit about her peace

No co tact means no contact. She was estranged, therefore the death wasn't anything to do with her.

He’s NC with his own daughter?! Surely as a parent you shouldn’t cut off your own child? Did she have a toxic upbringing that has made her difficult?

And before anyone asks I do think going NC with a parent is completely different to cutting off your own child.

I think you should have been informed, even if it was after a funeral had taken place.

You can't expect to be kept in the loop if you are NC. You can't have it both ways.

I did not contact two of my mum's brothers when she died, they had chosen not to contact her or me for years. I know one found out, no idea about the other. Why would I? If they were bothered they should have been in touch while she was alive. They were of no concern to me at the time.

Well, they were NC.

You say you are friends with your uncle. If he's been chatting away and never said his mum died, that's a bit odd, but he might have been a bit lost how to handle it.