To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

[Problemorno]

Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

I bet it was to do with money.

I would be horrified if someone who had chosen to NC with me was told about my death. It would feel intrusive and disrespectful - to both of us.

If someone is no contact because they were a victim of a violence, then I think it is a positive thing to tell them the perpetrator is dead so that they can feel safer and no longer fear additional harm to themselves or other people. However, I do not think the victim should do anything further related to the surviving family of the perpetrator who were still in contact (attend funeral, reach out to family etc).

I mean I'd not be alive to be horrified of course but the thought of it feels absolutely awful.

This!

I have been NC with my family for over 30 years. Most of them have died in that time - except those born shortly before or after the final fall out of course who I don't know at all - and I discovered their deaths on the internet.

Call me hard but I have no interest in their lives at all and feel totally disconnected from them all even though I wish them no harm.

You should have been informed but I suspect there was a reason you were not. Could be anything from GM's wishes to the clearing of the house before you got wind. Who knows.

I’m NC with my spent donor but would be disappointed to not go and dance at his funeral

This is the reality of being NC. You don’t get to have it both ways, to make your point and cut someone off during their lifetime and then wade in when they’re dead for ‘closure’ or to ‘make peace’. You should have obtained a sense of closure by going NC in the first place and accepted the consequences of that decision, one of which is you won’t be kept in the loop about major events.

I’ve gone NC with a very toxic sibling and have left explicit instructions that she is not to visit me if I’m incapacitated or dying and she is not to be informed of my death. The former will be adhered to as it is a legal requirement, the latter I’m not so sure about but I hope those I’ve trusted will uphold my wishes.

I thought the same, but as he died a few months ago now, I changed my mind and wanted nothing to do with any of it. I still reserve the right to go to his grave at some point though. and defecate on it

For all you know it could have been her wish that you were not informed individually

My entire family is NC with my eldest brother. Though it was him that instigated it, and hurt everyone in the process, my Dad still wishes it were different, even 20 odd years later. However, regardless of what my Dad wants, I will not be informing the brother of our Dad's death, and he will not be welcome at his funeral. He made his choice, he's not part of this family anymore.

You were NC. Not unkindly but what did you expect? My estranged siblings are NC with my mother and I will not be rushing to inform them when she dies.

I'm estranged from both my sisters and I wouldn't care tuppence if I didn't find out about their deaths.

I have a feeling that their families know this and will not go out of their way to tell me. It doesn't bother me.

I am a little surprised you're upset, OP. It sounds like there were good reasons for the estrangement. Is your mother upset?

Yes I agree

My mums friend is estranged from her daughter who lives next door, for a good few years now. Her husband died recently and she said she wasn’t going to tell the daughter. Her daughter did find out around 2wks after the funeral as she rang a cousin to ask as she saw her sisters car outside daily so knew something wasn’t right. I don’t know, I felt she should have been told personally, but I guess if I was in her position I might feel differently

This. Why do you think other relatives should be under an obligation to get involved/keep you in the loop? We all get to set our own boundaries and no reason why they should have felt obliged to act as intermediaries in a situation which they weren't responsible for.

If you are NC with someone and they die - you can get 'closure'

They're gone. They can't hurt you anymore

It's better to know. Not telling is one more act of spite

You're not being unreasonable. But others who have never been abused will not understand and will say you are unreasonable. Especially in families of multi-generational abuse will severally gaslight you because they have most likely not "woken" up to it and quite possibly think that you are in the wrong for not bending over and just taking the abuse so therefore they think you had no "right" to be upset. Because isn't that what the majority of abuse is? You have to get permission to have certain unpleasant feelings. Even if they're perfectly reasonable emotions to feel!

When DH died I didn't tell his parents until 3 months later. I spent far too long worrying about whether it was the right thing to do, at a time when I had far better things to worry about (like my DCs who'd just lost their father). Ultimately, I decided the only thing I could do was honour his wishes, which he'd made very clear.

I'm sure they think I behaved appalingly, but these things are going to happen when you're estranged from family.

My siblings went no contact with our parents for years. I wouldn't have informed them either. They would have brought alot of bad feeling, and made the funeral all about themselves. If they opted out of their lives, that still stands in death. I'm not surprised they didn't tell your mum.

Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO.
When you go NC with someone, you lose all 'rights' to ANY information about them.
You are not entitled to know if they move, change jobs, get married, emigrate to NZ ... why would you be entitled to know about their death?

My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.
Sad, relieved, confused ... you will feel many things. Amongst them I hope - relief, & in time maybe even some sense of closure. Your DM particularly is likely to go through the full gamut of bereavement emotions - grieving the relationship she wished she'd had.

You seem to believe that your uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son had some kind of reporting duty to you. Whatever you feel over the coming months - don't convey this to them. All that would do is drag them into a old row between relatives, one of whom is now dead. I imagine you appreciated their lack of interference with the NC dynamic when GM was alive. Try to appreciate it now she is dead. This is your & DM's dispute - it would be signally unfair to involve your relatives in it.

YABU If you can't be bothered with someone in life why would you be bothered in death? I would find that a bit CF showing up to someone's funeral if they had been NC for years.

IMO you can’t have it both ways. You either wanted her and details of her life, and subsequent death, or you didn’t. You chose to cut her off, and so she is then, effectively, a stranger to you.
I am estranged from an immediate family member and have been for some time. I wouldn’t expect anyone to tell me when he dies. They may choose to anyway, but I would respect their choice if they decided not to.
All that being said, you feel how you feel and there’s no right or wrong emotion to feel here.

@PeachyPears doesnt seem right that you choose to be out of someone’s life because it suits you but want the option to intrude into their death and the grief of those who wanted to be part of their life 🤷‍♀️

YABU

If someone wanted to know when someone died then they should have kept open a line of communication.

I would assume they don’t want anything to do with them and that includes a f they become ill or die.

I personally have reached out and told family members who are NC about a persons death for my own conscience.
But they usually don’t want to know which is to be expected.

I don’t understand why if you’re NC and they’re practically dead to you anyway, what difference it would make when they actually die.