To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

[Problemorno]

Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

I think the thing is, when someone abusive dies, you mourn the relationship that you should have had - and now can never have. Rather than mourning the passing of the abuser.

Hardly intruding on their death

Just because you’re NC doesn’t mean you have no feelings towards a bloody parent anymore!

Thankfully most irl don’t seem to equate NC = not telling someone about their parent dying!

Correctly surely? Isn't that what NC means?

My parents were estranged from my aunt (nothing to do with us as we were only teens at the time) and it was over something really silly. Distance and no social media at the time meant we and her children simply lost touch too. Last time I saw her was at my grans funeral, we chatted and wished each other well.

When I called her, through some stupid sense of it being the "right" thing to do, to let her know my dad had died a few hours previously she was dismissive, unpleasant, seemed almost pleased. We didn't call her when mum (her sister) died as couldn't face the response, passed the message on through her other sister. Covid and very restricted funeral numbers thankfully saved us the awkwardness of her being there and also saved her having to worry about the awkwardness of her absence at her own sisters funeral. I don't expect to hear when she dies, but if I do I will probably send my condolences to my uncle or cousins in a card.

we are NC with MIL but if she died DH would still like the option to attend a funeral etc. to make his peace of you like

What "peace" does he expect to find? I think it would be really awkward, tactless and thoughtless to others genuinely grieving a loss to show up to a funeral under those circumstances. I hope he would check with the chief mourners in advance to ensure his presence would not cause any upset on an already difficult day.

I see no difference at all.

We had an estranged family member (peadophile who did some horrible things), one of my siblings announced a while back that they he hadn't seen them around in 'ages' (given they lived in the same village as us) so they must have moved and was shocked by reply of 'well I'd be suprised if you saw them since they died 10 years ago'.

Now we are not sure which of us is correct.

I'm CERTAIN a family member phoned me to tell me they had died and not to attend the funeral as everyone was boycotting it (I would have been 20 but my siblings would have only been pre and early teen age) but no one has ever mentioned it again and my sibling swear down they had never heard about the death.

I now can't find any record or proof of the death either and most older family member involved have since died themselves so who knows.

I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter either way since they werent part of our life anyway.

It is intruding turning up to a funeral and making it all about themselves. If someone's dead it's too late to reconcile it's been and gone. The sheer sense of entitlement. If someone didn't want in a relationship in life they can't expect to be part of the grieving process with relatives who still shared a relationship with the deceased.

Horrible people have parents as well.

My grandparents cut off my father for abusing his children. That was his choice. Nothing to do with a toxic upbringing making him difficult. He was just a scum bag and they opted to cut him off.

If that living person upsets you too much to have in your life, won't it just provoke & drag up unpleasant feelings to hear news about them?

Don't think there were great choices for those with the info.

Tell yourself that if it suits you. The Mumsnet creed that it's fine for offspring to go NC, but never for parents no matter how toxic the adult child.

I would be relieved to be honest.

I am NC with my horribly abusive mother, and have been for more than ten years (this time around) My poor Golden Child Brother still sees her and I live in dread of the phone call that asks me to come to the bitch's bedside so she can abuse my one last time before she dies. I will refuse, but it will be hideous.

I would much rather find out months after the fact.

How on earth does attending a funeral make it about themselves?

if that was the case no one should attend funerals.

thankfully your (weird) view is not the norm

I think it is really weird OP. It must have been really hard for your mum to cut off an abusive parent but having a brother knowing their mum had died and saying nothing is bizarre IMO! I find these black and white “but you were NC” really odd.

Yes, it always is.

Sorry but I also think you can't have it both ways - you can't be NC and then have the option of being informed of anything. And it may have been her wish anyway. I am NC with my sister and BIL, and I have made it absolutely clear that they are not to be informed if I die first, they are not welcome at my funeral, and they are not to set foot in my home (because they would probably rob it blind if they did - they have form for making off with stuff from the homes of dead relatives).

No contact is exactly that.YABU to expect to be informed of her death,you’d contact in recent times so can’t expect to be informed regard the death

Have you told your family that, or do you expect them to guess?

Surely if you are abused by a parent it's understandable to be NC? Not an easy choice for a child, but necessary to avoid hurt and for self preservation? Why does this mean that you aren't 'worthy' of knowing about their death? Adult children are often non contact because they have been abused. They may still love that parent - perhaps the abuser gave them no choice. Your mother has my every sympathy. Of course she should have been told.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

Estranged relatives, who had a conflict with the deceased person and haven't been in touch in years, shouldn't just randomly turn up to the funeral. All it will do is cause trouble and distress, but maybe that's the intention.

Funerals are generally attended by people who knew and liked the deceased, or who have a relationship with their close relatives and want to support them.

You cannot make peace with a dead person, so that really doesn't count as a good reason to be there.

When you decide to go no contact with a friend or family member, you do not pass along an obligation to others to keep you informed about the status of the person from whom you have willingly and actively separated.

The deceased may have even stated that they did not wish to place you in a situation where you felt obligated to pretend grief or where you felt pleasure in the news of their passing. They actually showed respect for your decision to have no contact.

Sorry but I also think you can't have it both ways - you can't be NC and then have the option of being informed of anything. And it may have been her wish anyway.

I agree.

Going NC means you don’t want anything to do with him or want to know anything about them - surely that means when they die too.

You know they’re going to die one day, especially if they’re older.
So either go full NC or keep in touch at a distance.

I don’t think it’s fair on the other family members to make that decision when you’ve already chosen to go NC.

If you’re NC then I don’t see why it makes a difference if they’ve died anyway.

I think there's a lot of truth to this.
I also think you're right, a lot of people won't understand.

Again

no one said anything about making peace WOTH a dead person

how some of you made it through school baffles me

But @PeachyPears we're not talking about everyone, so your Straw Man argument is ridiculous.
PP was talking about just the few who choose to go NC.

In which case - as the NC party is clearly not attending to wish the deceased well & commiserate with mourners - they are making it all about themselves.

It does if they’re a narcissist and create a massive scene at the gathering afterwards…