To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

[Problemorno]

Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

A will springs to mind.

It’s almost as if every situation and family is different

No one is doing what?

You literally said that your DH is NC with his mother.

Have you given any thought to how the rest of the family will feel about the two of you rocking up to the funeral for your own 'peace'?

Why would you assume that?

NC is NC, I can’t understand why someone would expect to be informed and to attend the funeral, seems an even stranger decision tbh.

I think you and your DH are in for a shock but hey at least he's still getting his share of the dosh eh? I?think there will be many embarrassed on your behalf but I've a feeling you don't have any comprehensive reading skills treharding every other post directed to you! OP sorry however NC is NC.

If we aren't good enough to be in our DD life then she definatly doesn't get to come to our funerals and she sure as hell isn't in our wills . NC means NC .

In my case I didn’t want to attend my fathers funeral, but I would have been bloody annoyed had I not been told he was dead.

The day he died was the first day in many years I could walk down the street without any fear of bumping into him.

i stopped carrying my keys in my hand. I could take my children to my home town.
It was the first day in years that I was able to feel like a normal safe person walking down the street as he could no longer do his sleuthing and find me.

It was freedom day and I deserved that notification.

YABU.

Your branch opted out of the family, maybe for good reason, but that decision was made by your mum and you. If you didn't want your grandmother in life, why should you have a right to her in death?

To put it in perspective from the other side: my aunt opted out of a relationship with my dad around 20 years ago, after causing no end of upset. On the one family occasion they did meet since, she was vile to him. The last thing I would want at his funeral would be my aunt and her grown up kids turning up. I would hope to keep it from her, at least until the funeral was over.

Because she knows them !

Tbh I can see it both ways, if I were to die, I wouldn't want my estranged family members at my bed, or funeral.
On the other hand, I was contacted when one of the family members who I was estranged with was dying. They wanted to make amends with myself and DD. They chose to get involved and take sides, between family members, that's fine, but it hurt me and DD, and just because she was dying didn't mean that I was going to go running, and I certainly wasn't going to reintroduce DD to someone who I knew would want to bond with her before passing away- seemed like unnecessary emotional trauma to me.

I found the whole situation to be intrusive, and was quite annoyed that they tried to put pressure on me like that given what our relationship was.

I'm just pointing out that there are different ways of feeling in this situation, maybe your mums brother did as he would have wanted to happen if it were him that was estranged from his mum.

It’s quite possible your GM asked them not to tell you/your mum, so don’t blame your relatives.

when my mum was dying in hospital I found out by chance and her friend was very cross that I’d found out and rang me ranting that a nurse at the hospital must have broken confidentiality. My mum hadn’t wanted me to know by the sounds of it.

NC doesn’t equate to not caring or feelings of hurt switching off.

OP, sorry to read this. I had similar a few years back and I felt very deflated. Of course you have every right to feel however you do. It’s hurtful and it’s also a full stop rather than any chance of reconciling. Sorry for your loss no matter how complicated x

I think a close relative has a right to be informed. If your uncle did not want to contact your DM, he could at least have contacted you. I’m sorry but because of my personal experience I would check the will online if you can. We had a situation where money was left to the grandchildren but one who was estranged because of divorce, ie my child, was left not knowing about the death and the money was distributed without them because the other relatives felt they were estranged so why should they have it.

@Underanothersky because I know my brothers 😂

No. She used to know them.

I’m NC with a relative, and I wouldn’t expect to be informed when they die. I’d like to know so I can peacefully walk around knowing for certain I won’t bump in to them. But none of the mutual relatives are responsible for informing me.

I think a lot depends on why you are NC. I’ll honestly be glad when the person is dead, and I wouldn’t expect anyone who cares about them to deal with me (knowing I’ll be happy) when they’re grieving someone they care about.

If it is more of a “we just don’t get on” thing, I can see why you’d be hurt not knowing. But this is a risk you take when you go NC and ask mutual relatives not to act as flying monkeys.

Whatever !

But whose responsibility is it?

My mother is estranged from some family- It is not my responsibility to keep those people involved.
If they don't want to engage during her life then I won't contact them after her death.

The type of relationship which ends in NC is likely to be complicated and painful. So obviously the emotions around the death of one of the people involved will be complicated and probably painful. Especially if feeling excluded from the family was part of the problem in the first place.

I expect that my parents' solicitor will inform me of their deaths, if only because making me executor and forcing me to hand over their entire estate to the Golden Child is totally their style. My religion encourages forgiveness, and praying for the soul of someone who has wronged me (and they really, really have) is part of that. There is a small ritual which is often performed by people in my faith (although I think it is as much regional as faith-based) and the idea is that this small thing releases any bad feeling between the dead and the living.

Despite this, I doubt I will attend their funerals. I can pray for their souls and seek forgiveness for any part I played in what I see as their cruelty towards me, but I won't be travelling to the other end of the country for their funerals, and if I can possibly get out of being executor then I will. The ritual is a shame, but not as much of a shame as having grown up with abusive, controlling, violent parents.

Nah thats not how it works....if you are NC then why should you be informed?🙄

I completely agree.
When my elderly mother dies I won't be going out of my way to inform estranged relatives.

Sorry OP. I respect both you and your mother are upset but I don't believe you have an "right" to be kept abreast of what's going on with someone you are NC with. There are a whole load of reasons your Uncle may have decided not to tell you - or he could have been asked not to.

In any case, I hope your mum finds some closure and that you all can move forward.

I don't think it is 'whatever' as that is a key difference. I won't be informed about the deaths of friends I knew at school but would really hope to re current friends.

You can’t be forced to be an executor - you simply decline the role when it is put to you.