To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

[Problemorno]

Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

So everyone who responds to your posts has comprehension difficulties, right so. 🙄

Why don't you explain what you mean by 'making peace' then?

I'd be grateful that I had no pressure on me to pretend to mourn or say the right things to people who were.

You've got the same level of contact with her now as you had 6 months ago.

It’s not making it all about themselves.

most will still be there to mourn

mourn the relationship that could have been, mourn the mother/father they should have had, mourn the opportunity to have a bond like everyone else shared.

Going NC doesn’t mean you turn a feelings tap off, especially in cases of abuse.

Its a shame you and many other posters seriously struggle to understand that

That sort of person never just attends a funeral.

They probably thought you wouldn’t be interested if it was your mums and your decision to go NC.

I have no contact with my parents and wouldn’t be interested. They could be dead for all I know, I hope they are. Not everyone is the same but thinking you wouldn’t be interested is a fair assumption to make I think.

I think that in 99 cases out of a hundred, common decency requires that you inform someone that their mother has died.

Even if it's just a two sentence letter through the post, after the funeral.

You and your Mum were NC with her so while it is a bit odd that the non-estranged relatives didn't inform you, if that was what GM wanted in response to the NC then that is fair enough I suppose.

Is there any funny business with her Will or estate suspected or is it purely a case of not being informed?

You read my mind. It’s too late when they’re dead.

I'd say she is still alive. OP has only genealogical research to support her supposition that granny is gone. I'd need actual proof, like a death certificate to be certain.
Having an unusual maiden name does not make you dead, which is what OP mentioned having found in her family tree research.

Agree , we do not have contact with our DD ( her choice ) we are ok with it as she is a narcissistic nightmare . We do not want her being given any info on our life no matter how serious. She lost that choice when she went NC .

My mother went through this with one of her brothers...she's been no contact with her most of her family for about 20 years now. Still in contact with a sister and a sister-in-law. She found out a few months after it happened that her brother had died, from her sister (he was the sister's twin). My mother had been no contact with her sister when he actually died.

She was angry that no one had bothered to tell her - I pointed out she was the one who had decided to go full no contact...and that usually means just that, literally no contact. The sister-in-law might have felt it wasn't her news to share.

I've been no contact with my father for 33 years now. He's in his late 70s, if he is still alive... I have no idea either way. Occasionally I check the online wills website to see if there is anything there. I fully accept that it will probably be the way I find out that he has died.

I wonder if your grandmother asked for you not to be informed of her death?.

My dad told us in his final days that he didn't want his estranged dd ( my step sister) informed. And we weren't to tell her he'd passed away. None of us had any way of contacting her anyway.

It didn't sit right with us but it was his choice and he had good reason to be honest.

She found out around a year later and blew her top. But as someone else said in their post, if you are nc in life then you're nc in death too

I - and others - have no intention of making peace with our abusers. I would only be tempted to hover from afar to make sure they’re actually dead, I cannot imagine the relief I would feel knowing my abuser is no longer walking the Earth.

If you couldn't be bothered in life, you don't get to complain after death.

If someone I was NC with turned up at my funeral I would hope that my friends / family would tell them they were unwelcome .

At the end of the day your mum didn’t want to know anything when they were alive. I’m sure what your mum wanted or didn’t want was long down on the list of things the rest of the family had to do after the death.

I don't think anyone is failing to understand that there may still be feelings there. But to go to the funeral is inappropriate, and peace simply cannot be achieved by doing so.

Either make peace with the person while they're still alive, or come to terms with it privately.

It's a shame you interpret a difference of opinion as a lack of understanding. What a very arrogant stance.

I understand perfectly well - am NC with 2 family members.
Their lives are now none of my business, & neither will their deaths be. You can't have it both ways. It would be distressing & awkward for other relatives if I rocked up to my NC family funerals, for the selfish reasons of wanting 'closure'.

If the process of NC itself hasn't given you the small amount of closure (it's overhyped imo) you need, you're doing NC wrong.

People who've gone NC need to do their mourning in their own time, not at public events.

Why be annoyed ? You didn’t want to have contact when she was alive so why now?? My own brothers are the same , my elderly mum completely excluded from their lives until she passes where I assume they will start sniffing around for her money !!

Good thing no one is doing that then.

In most cases NC isn’t a mutual decision, if anything MIL would want DH there and is still including him in her will.

Quite, @Liorae

When my elder NC relative dies, I fully expect the younger one to make some kind of contact. Which I shall womanfully resist! Not getting sucked back into THAT shitshow.

If I have the misfortune to cark it first, & they somehow found out, they would move heaven & earth to get their feet under the table at the funeral. They'd make it all about themselves, ask intrusive & cringe-making questions about my Will, & mortally embarrass my actual mourners.

Those who say the ops mother should have been informed, whose responsibility is it?

I have my cousin on Facebook as a friend but we don't ever communicate i get the feeling the op has the same level of friendship with her uncle

This. If you choose to cut someone out, that includes their death. They didn't have to tell you OP, if you were that bothered, you would have made an effort before. You did want anything to do with them in life, why does that change in death?

What a strange question. I don't expect anything but I would think it odd if I was not told. That is literally what I said in my comment.

I think PeachyPears is a different type of NC than the rest of us are .