To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

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Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

We contacted my brother that was estranged from our Mum ,sister and myself. Wish we hadn’t bothered TBH . He has caused utmost misery towards myself and sister because he was disinherited.
Bloody shocking emails from him with awful accusations. He is now completely blocked from all our emails,social media etc .
We think he is living in India and he can bloody stay there .

What about if MIL said she didn't want your DH informed? She has that right? NC can go both ways.

@PeachyPears

In most cases NC isn’t a mutual decision, if anything MIL would want DH there and is still including him in her will.

You sure about that..... things change and if you're NC, they probably won't inform you!

Probably done a codicil to her will and your DH no longer features.

Isn't that a piss take ? I've gone NC with someone because they are such a bastard but when they die I will gladly take their money. Where's the dignity in that ?

@Novemberhater Why would it cause a scene at the funeral? Let alone violence? They may not be a violent person. They may not even want to go? What a strange thing to say??

It's not a strange thing to say . Some people are like that. I've heard of many funerals that had fights break out because of family members that were not welcome.
In my very distant family ( who I stay away from ) the only difference between a wedding and a funeral to them is one less drunk !

My mum was estranged from her sister. I still haven't told the sister that mum died a year ago. Mum would not have wanted me to tell her so I haven't.

My siblings and I have been NC with our father for four years now.

He abused my sisters and I and when we finally told our brothers, we all went NC together.

I am fully expecting to read his death notice on social media. I don't expect to be told. He is currently in very low contact with one grandchild who feels a responsibility (even though we have all told the grandchild (an adult in late 20s) he's not their responsibility)

As a group of siblings, some of us don't want to attend his funeral, some do. I don't, but my dh wants to male sure the abusive old bastard is finally dead.

I can understand all sides: you wanted to know about your grandmother for your own closure maybe, or to stop feeling on edge? I think thats one reason I might like to be told, so I'm not worrying when walking around a supermarket if I might bump into him, but that's the only reason I cam think of.

And I wouldn't accept a penny of the rotten old cunt's money.

He thought he could buy silence for years, and showered my brothers in cars etc... I hope he chokes on it - anything that may be left to any of us won't be accepted

Thank you all for the responses. I can totally see where you're all coming from. NC does mean NC. To be honest I wouldn't have given a shiny shit if it was just me that wasn't told, I know you should not speak ill of the dead but she was a horrid woman. Truly awful. I had no feelings for her. But I just feel sad for my mum as obviously she had some quite complicated feelings about her. She was incredibly abusive to her but she was still her mum. And now my mum feels like she can't get any closure and feels hurt that she was left out of the loop.

But I can understand why people are saying IABU.

Also I doubt she would have wanted to go to the funeral even if she was invited so it's not about that. She didn't go NC just because she fancied it or couldn't be bothered as some posters seem to imply. Her mother made her life hell and it was better for her mental health if she no longer had any contact.

@Jedsnewstar did you even read the OP? Nothing to do with money and more to do with her being incredibly abusive.

I feel for you and your mum and I completely understand both of your reactions. I think this thread has been somewhat muddied by people talking about their own experiences and projecting their own feelings, add in some black and white thinking from posters with no experience of how this feels for you or your mum and you have an unempathetic thread.

Maybe your mum would benefit from some sort of ritual to mark her mother's passing. That is what a funeral is after all - a ritual so that you can mark the death and find it easier to move on (and it is very therapeutic). Your mother may be projecting her feelings about her mum onto not being told about it (completely understandable reaction). I hope you both find some peace.

I know how you feel, it’s horrible. My dad and his sister are NC but I always would send my aunt and grandmother Christmas and birthday cards asking how they were doing and updating them about my DC, I never used to get any replies from either of them and then one year I received a Christmas card from my aunt saying that I should stop sending cards, she didn’t know why I bothered, that my father always thought he was better than her and she wasn’t interested in anything I had to say. I was so upset and couldn’t understand how she could be so horrible to me. A few years later dad received a letter from his sister advising him that their mother had died and they had cremated her already. I think this was incredibly cruel of my aunt and I will never forgive her. My brother recently found her via Facebook and she was still rude to him. She has two sons and a granddaughter now and I hope her children never do to each other what she did to us.

Because of previous behaviour. There was a violent scene at a family baptism. I've been beaten up too. There's no doubt that they would cause some sort of fracas at a funeral. We are not NC on a whim.

I don’t think you have a right to be annoyed about it, but by the same token, I think they should have told you. However I think that as much for their own peace than for yours per se.

A close relative of mine died two years ago, there was an estranged mutually close relative. Estranged at their choosing and for reasons we have never known. We (me and the deceased) had both attempted to contact the third relative over the years, only to be rebuffed. Anyway, when I learned that my relative was on end of life care, I contacted the estranged one to let them know. I didn’t immediately think to do so, it just didn’t cross my mind, it was somebody else that mentioned them and I thought oh yes maybe I should. And I am glad I did because it gave me peace of mind and I felt that I did the right thing.

So your dad was NC with his DS and DM?

Exactly. Would it have made a difference if you inew, would you have Gone to the funeral for eg? If not, I can't see why you're upset.

DH is NC with his brothers and father. All truly awful people, and there are very good reasons for it.
DH knows he will find out about his father via his cousins ( who he is in contact with), but won't attend the funeral.
If anything happened to DH, I wouldn't want his brothers attending his funeral and would be extremely angry if they turned up.

or to stop feeling on edge

This stood out for me. When I found out my mother died, about 6 years after the fact, i was relieved. I could finally be sure I wouldnt bump into her randomly.

I'm waiting now for her husband to die and I check every three months or so on the government website, and I hope that finally I can walk tall, stop hunching my shoulders, stop jumping at every loud noise. I never expected and I got nothing from my mothers estate, I will get nothing from her husband's estate, if I had or do I would give the lot to a childrens charity. I wouldnt want a penny off either of them even if I were living in utter poverty.

Yes, I completely understand that, walking on egg shells.

He was at a family funeral recently and u came back to my car in the car park and he assured parked so intimdatingly close I felt panicked.
His front bumper was about an inch from my back bumper and I felt violated all over again.

I had to go and stand with people I didn't know so I could keep an eye when he moved his car.

I hate going near the place he lives even though my sister still lives there, I haven't went to anything related to his side of the family in 4 years as when we went NC his sister contacted me, I explained why we were NC and it turned out she was aware, she told me it "wasn't my place" when I asked her why she never done anything about it.

I'm glad times have changed.

My God the typos.

I came back to my car in the car park and he had parked so close.

People are saying "you can't have it both ways", but there is more than one relationship at stake here.

OP's mum may have thought she was close to her brother (OP's uncle) and/or other relatives. When they didn't tell her about this major family event, for whatever reason, good or bad, they were sending her a message: "You're not a part of this family any more." And that must have hurt, even if she didn't fully realise why.

She may well have wanted no contact with her mother, but enough contact with the rest of the family that they would keep her in the loop. Hard to say without knowing her, of course.

Well he was NC with his sister because she said she couldn’t afford to come to my wedding but sent a £50 Argos voucher and his mother went NC with him by moving to another county and not telling him where she moved to. I sent cards, pics etc via his sister.

@RoachPussy I don't understand why someone would go NC because they didn't attend a wedding? She gave you a present. None of my business but must be more to it that that .