To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

[Problemorno]

Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

First of all are you absolutely sure that your grandmother is deceased? Are you positive it is her? Maybe ask relatives on FB how she is at the moment and you will find out. No need for blame or annoyance, NC was a choice made.

Then if she has passed away, find out where she is laid to rest and visit the grave and put some flowers on. Closure if you like.

My mil had been no-contact with her sister since my dh was very young, for reasons that (from what she’s told us) are very valid. Her sister died a few years ago, mil found out and decided to attend the funeral for ‘closure’.
Mil sisters’ family were incredibly hurt by mil’s attendance. However justified mil’s estrangement was, it had hurt her sister deeply. The family had spent years witnessing that pain. Any ‘closure’ mil had hoped to achieve was undone by the clear distress and anger her being there had caused her sisters friends and family, who loved her dearly. Her daughter still to this day says mil’s attendance ruined her final goodbye to her mother.

So whilst I agree that ‘funerals are for the living’, those who loved and chose to be involved in the deceaseds life are the ones who matter, not those who (for whatever reason) opted out.

The whole point of no contact is...no contact. None. Zilch.

If you are estranged, why are you bothered? I mean, of course it's absolutely fine to BE estranged, but part of that means that those people are out of your life. They have no right to know anything about you, but also you have no right to know anything about them.

Just because you are NC with someone doesn’t mean all your feelings switch off especially with a parent. I think it’s right for the children to be informed.

Being "annoyed" that you weren't informed your estranged relative had died implies you felt there was an obligation for other family members who were in contact to close the gap caused by the NC situation between you and estranged relative. They had no means of knowing how you'd have reacted had they called to pass on the news: you might have challenged them as to why they were letting you know when it should have been clear you didn't care to know; likewise you might have said that you appreciated being informed. You were placing a burden on others that they may not have wished to shoulder. YABU.

It's an awful situation OP, there would always have been upset in one form or another. I hope your family can begin to heal and find some closure.

You don’t think toxic people can’t be daughters or sons? That’s very naïve. I mean all toxic people are somebody’s child.

I’m currently debating this very topic in relation to my stepdad/step sister. She is truly a horrible human being. To my knowledge they haven’t had any contact for over 20 years. He’s coming up on the end of his life soon and I will be the one who has to make the decision to let her know. I’m leaning toward not telling her mostly for the selfish reason of not wanting to open myself up to her vindictive drama. There will be no inheritance as he has no assets. But I have no doubt of her ability to stir up trouble. So money not a factor. there is literally no upside for me to contact her when the time comes (if I could even track her down)

That's odd.
My ddad found out about his dad's death 3 years later via the Govt contacting him about the small amount of money he had left (this was the early 1990s). But then him and his sister, his only living relatives had intentionally lost contact with him.
I think it odd if family members knew and didn't tell you.

@saltinesandcoffeecups

I'd let her know by text/letter after the funeral. Dear me, sorry the man is still alive but you know what I mean, and I am sorry for your step dad and you.

This. And their perspective on the estrangement may be different from yours. It’s not their job to guess what you want, or to do it.

It’s not up to other people to help manage your relationships with family.

He must really hate his daughter
A parent doing this to a child is the final act of cruelty they can inflict on their child and has much deeper ramifications than a child going no contact with their parent.

YABVU. I’m NC with my mother because she was/still is abusive. It took a decade for the flying monkeys to leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want to know anything about her, including anything to do with her health/death whatever. I’m simply not interested.

You describe yourself as “friends” but on fb with your uncle. So not actually friends at all?

And what is your mother’s contact with her brother? If it’s nothing - or the same effective nothing a being, “Facebook friends” like you, then I wouldn’t expect him to tell her.

If she was actually in regular contact I do think it’s odd that he didn’t tell her. Not because I agree with you on any “right” to know - just I think most people would say.

I wonder if he didn’t want her at the funeral, so put off telling her. Then didn’t want grief for her missing the funeral, so delayed. Then didn’t want grief for delaying, so avoided it altogether… I can see it not being an active decision but a series of putting off.

Yes a lot of people would feel this way so OP shouldn’t expect her distant relatives she isn’t close with to be mind readers and know she’d want to know.

If your DH wants to make his peace with MIL, it is too late once she has died. If he can’t make his peace with her while she is still alive, I wouldn’t think she would want him at her funeral!

When was the last time your mother spoke to her brother?

A parent can be a victim of their child, it doesnt mean that parent has to live all their life being the victim, they can make a choice to detach and not have contact.

Lots of them won't want to be informed.

I am NC with my mother and don't expect to be told particularly, I just think it would be odd if the family I am in touch with don't mention it. I have suffered decades of abuse and I want to know when she is dead. I won't be going to the funeral or giving my opinion about her to anyone, I just want to know the person who abused me is dead. I don't think it is that unusual to want to know this, people often want to know when other violent abusers from their lives are dead don't they? Why not your own parent?

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I wish you and your DM well.

Reading comprehension is still low on here it seems

She may not have wanted you/your mum informed, or they might have thought you didn't want to know.

We were told by MIL not to inform BIL when she died, so we didn't. She had very good reason to ask and we didn't want to be conduits for the continuation of an issue after she'd died (and make ourselves the target of bad feeling) - I'm not for a second suggesting you'd be hard work with your uncle, but maybe they felt it wasn't their fight to get involved in and were asked not to tell you so they didn't.

You were no contact. Why do you think you have the right to be informed?
Isn't that the point of no contact? To have no contact?

I wouldn’t assume NC means not wanting to be informed of a death - emotions are very complex. However, I think you should give your relatives the benefit of the doubt, op. They will either have assumed this was what your mother wanted or faced a difficult decision trying to work out whether to tell you of not. I hope you’re able to process what has happened and move on.