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Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?

303 replies

sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:00

I’ve been asked by a close friend (since childhood) to be maid of honour at her wedding, this September.
She asked me last weekend, they had only announced their engagement a few days prior, but I immediately said yes and was happy to have been asked… however, I either am completely naive as to what I’ve let myself in for and this is the norm to expect from a maid of honour… OR it’s not the norm and is OTT…
Today, we spoke about the upcoming wedding in more detail.

Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)

‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’

’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’

’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’

’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’

that’s everything she can think of ‘so far.’ 😭
I have never been a bridesmaid, let alone maid of honour… I did expect to have some input with the hen do… but the rest feels like she’s expecting me to be a wedding planner. 😐

I should definitely mention that I live a 3.5 hour drive away (I moved away from my home city 8 years ago.)
I love my friend dearly, and have always felt it to be a very equal friendship, despite the physical distance between us now. But I think she’s thinking that I have a LOT of spare time, due to not working.
But I have four children, one of them is severely disabled and requires round the clock care (hence I’m on mumsnet at 1am) and I don’t want to commit to every single thing, if I’m not able to deliver, due to being exhausted or in hospital with my son.
(happens often.)

My OH says it sounds reasonable and most
of these things I can organise easily enough from my phone…. What’s the verdict here??

is this expected of a MOH?
would I be unreasonable to say I can’t / don’t want to take responsibility for all of the above?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

MsFrog · 26/11/2022 07:09

I haven't read the full thread, just the OP, but this is absolutely ridiculous!! I can't believe the way some people get about a wedding. Everything apart from the hen do and a bit of practical help on the day is too much to ask. I've been a maid of honour 3 times and this was always the extent of it. I'd be turning her down, but I can see how awkward that would be!


AuntieStella · 26/11/2022 07:15

In my day, you just turned up on the day ready to be decorative. Probably went round to the bride's to get ready together.

Maybe organised a hen night, but as that would be just one night on the town, probably in closest big city. Not because it was the "role" but because bridesmaids would be the closest friends and would want to do it.

Demanding favours is always an unpleasant, grabby sort of look. Asking for help every now and again - framed as a request that can easily be turned down if not possible for any reason including disinclination - is OK though.


NancyJoan · 26/11/2022 07:15

You need to tell her what you can/can’t do now. Beware of anything -flowers, favours, gifts - that requires you to pay out, or you may not get the money back.

No one could do make-up for 11 people in a morning, she needs to book two artists, or let people do their own.


HundredMilesAnHour · 26/11/2022 07:19

BruceAndNosh · 26/11/2022 01:10

Anyone who is having 11 adult bridesmaids and 2 flower girls needs a good talking to.

She's having 11 bridesmaids and doesn't even have sisters?!! 😳Seriously, she needs a good talking to.

She's massively taking the mickey OP.


bookworm1982 · 26/11/2022 07:20

BruceAndNosh · 26/11/2022 01:10

Anyone who is having 11 adult bridesmaids and 2 flower girls needs a good talking to.

Ha ha agree. Sounds like a nightmare.


ZenNudist · 26/11/2022 07:21

There are 10 other bridesmaids- redelegate! Except the favours. No budget no favours.


SeenAndNot · 26/11/2022 07:24

Maid of honour traditionally organised the hen do, helps bride with her dress (choosing it and getting into it) and makes sure little things run smoothly on the morning, holds lipstick/tissues in her handbag for bride, and helps her go to the loo.

the rest? No way.


HappyDays40 · 26/11/2022 07:26

I ducked out if being a bridesmaid and maid of honour all together due to the unreasonable demands from my friend. I was just honest and I couldn't be arsed with the hassle. Luckily we have that kind of friendship. Just be firm with what you can or can't do.


Taillighttoobright · 26/11/2022 07:28

If you carry this through, it is going to end badly because you can’t possibly do a decent job on that many jobs.
Like a PP has said, I’d be honest with her - you’ve realised that it’s too much and you don’t want to assume the risk of not doing a decent job.


BessieSurtees · 26/11/2022 07:28

No way and tell her today that you are sorry but you need to turn down the role as you can not commit to her requests. If it spoils your relationship fine, because it's spoilt anyway, there is no way you can manage that, so somewhere along the line there will be fallout.

If she can't do those jobs herself, she needs a wedding planner. The hen do for 25 people will not be a case of setting up a group chat and throwing some ideas about, trust me, it will be a whole job in itself, compromise, non-payment, dropping out etc etc.

Does she struggle with organisation and time management because how long does she think it will take to do 11 bridesmaids make up ffs? What time is she getting married?


Riskofbeingsued · 26/11/2022 07:28

Is she American? It sounds as though she's planning an American style wedding with a huge wedding party. I have American relatives and I think they expect the bridesmaids to do loads, especially the MOH, and actually spend money too. I've been MOH once and I organised the hen-do and went to the bride's dress shopping and the bridesmaid dress shopping (since the bridesmaids were me and my daughter it was very easy but there is no way I would have been able to guarantee going on a particular day when everyone else was free otherwise) and I was at her house early on the day itself to calm the nerves. I think you need to explain that you had assumed she was having a more traditionally British moh and you can't offer all of this. Step down gracefully now!


Riskofbeingsued · 26/11/2022 07:29

SeenAndNot · 26/11/2022 07:24

Maid of honour traditionally organised the hen do, helps bride with her dress (choosing it and getting into it) and makes sure little things run smoothly on the morning, holds lipstick/tissues in her handbag for bride, and helps her go to the loo.

the rest? No way.



HappyDays40 · 26/11/2022 07:29

I think the bride might be my sister! She is currently being demanding of her bridesmaids.


Hobbesmanc · 26/11/2022 07:29

Maybe she was just super excited and throwing loads of tasks around. I mean surely flowers and photographers are part of the fun Bride and groom choices?

It sounds like a huge undertaking. Do you have anyone you're close to in the bridal party? Another bridesmaid or her mum that you can partner up with?

Hen night for 25 sounds horrific unless it's just going to be somewhere nice for dinner. She's not expecting you to coordinate a weekend away I hope.

Im sure when she's calmed down she'll realise she's being unreasonable


Rainingnow · 26/11/2022 07:31

You can either make any excuse you can think of to back out of MOH now. Or you can be honest and back out saying "On second thoughts I've realised I won't have time to do everything the role involves. So it's fair to back out now and let you find someone who has more time."


SunshineAndFizz · 26/11/2022 07:32

Hen do fine. Rest is utterly ridiculous.

And the flower girls parents need to look after them.


HowdyDudey · 26/11/2022 07:34

I was MoH for my friend a few years back. What is being asked of you is mad! So much responsibility!
One word of caution. I arranged her hen do for 20 odd people. She wanted more but I told her I wasn’t organising that many grown women. It’s tricky getting the balance right. There will be so many opinions. Please don’t openly ask for them, as someone will end up being pissed off about not being listened to.
Save a date most people can do. Give a rough idea of cost and have maybe one or 2 others to bounce ideas off.


euff · 26/11/2022 07:35

I'm kind of stunned your OH thinks it's reasonable! That's a lot of work. Are you her closest friend or the one she feels is most likely be able to and not reject doing all this?

As for doing shopping etc I would echo what pp's have said and be very concerned you are being expected to pay up and even if told you will be reimbursed that it won't happen. If you go ahead with being MoH I would at the very least say no to that. Personally I would be ducking out asap. You could say you didn't realise what was entailed and the responsibility of your impact on her special day is giving you anxiety especially given your situation with your child who is frequently in hospital.

I have seen weddings where things like menus, favours and decorations were homemade by family with the help of friends. So family would buy materials and organise a get together and everyone sit round making something and have a chat and some nibbles. Are her family doing anything?


Fufumcgoo · 26/11/2022 07:38

I would say anything to do with the hen do and the bridesmaids would fall under your responsibility.

So dress fitting organisation, bridesmaid gifts and hen do prep, fine.

The other stuff not so much. Oh, and the little bridesmaids need to have their mothers getting them ready on the morning and bringing them to the venue at a later time. Also, their parents are responsible for the supervising.

You need to have a chat with her op. I'm sure she is just feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff she has to do, so you could maybe offer to help plan a schedule for the things she needs to do and when? But only take on what your willing to


shrunkenhead · 26/11/2022 07:40

She wants a wedding planner not a MOH! Jeez, that's ridiculous. I didn't expect anything from my bridesmaids apart from to attend their dress fittings. I organised everything myself. Why would I make their lives harder than they have to be?? I think it's incredibly selfish of her. I'd decline and seriously reconsider the friendship. She sounds like the sort who would expect you to pay for your own dress as well!
Where has she got this idea from that you have to do all this?! I was a MOH once and came to dress fittings with the other bridesmaids, attended the hen party and did a reading at the wedding. That was it. I can't organise 10 women, many who I didn't even know, and get them overseas! Way too much stress. This is why I'm always in awe of how people go about organising big family holidays with in-laws etc. Do they all pay separately? Does one person ask for them all to do a bank transfer so they have the money to book 25 flights to Tenerife to ensure they're all on same plane etc? I'm getting jittery just thinking about this fictitious scenario!!!😣
No one needs that kind of stress and I think she's being incredibly unfair.


Yerroblemom1923 · 26/11/2022 07:47

Or if you really have to organise the hen do keep it simple. Pick a restaurant, pick a date, decide on cost. Get other girls numbers and text them saying "save the date. Its CF's hen party @ The Pig and Fiddle sat 28th August, £100 per person, here are my bank details. Please let me know if you can come"


ohlordhelpme · 26/11/2022 07:47

Jesus! Only arranging the hen is reasonable/expected. The rest is absolutely not.


shreddies · 26/11/2022 07:48

With my son, we can end up in hospital for a week or so, or he’s just unwell at home and I get no sleep. I’m not exactly very productive or organised at those times.

There you go. You just message politely saying the above, and that you would hate to let her down so can't take on these extra roles. With lots of delighted for you, thrilled to be asked, etc etc


inthedeepshade · 26/11/2022 07:49

Your friend is a bridezilla and a CF. Of the jobs you list, the only one I asked my bridesmaids (x2) to do was to organise my hen weekend.

On the day they just had to wear a dress, which I paid for and we all chose together. There were no additional "responsibilities". She's way out of line!


Poppins2016 · 26/11/2022 07:50

The only reasonable things on that list are the hen do (with the other bridesmaids) and attending (not organising) the dress fittings.

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