Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?

This sounds utterly batshit, OP. Hen do, yes, everything else is a hard no. There is possibly, POSSIBLY, an argument for you to be a sounding board for different decisions, but only in as far as ‘yeah that looks nice/shit’. Run away, OP, run far!!

The hen do is more than enough. We agreed as a group a date and a budget and then my (bloody wonderful) MOH arranged with the rest of the group what we were going to do and then it was a surprise for me on the day but I knew the dates etc. She did help me with some of the other stuff but I didn't leave it for her to do!

Which is why she's palming all the work onto someone else, if you never make a decision you can never make a mistake.

Well done for setting your boundaries. She needs to pay a wedding planner if she doesn't want the hassle, not inveigle her friends who are stressed enough as it is.

Who has 11 bridesmaids? Tell her you didn’t realise you would have to do so much and you are not able to take this on.You have 4 children and one child that needs constant care.You also live hours away.Tell her now you are happy to help with the hen do that’s all you can manage suggest a wedding planner.

No way would I be trying to arrange dress fittings for 13 people!

You are going to have to be honest with your friend as soon as possible. Do not agree to anything you think is excessive or you will get the blame. I would be making up a reason why I can't be her MOH, tbh, unless we were very close.

I would run for the hills!! She is being unreasonable, and what a responsibility she is putting on you.
Just imagine if things go wrong too.
She is expecting you to be a wedding planner without the £2000 price price tag!

The hen do is typically a MOH thing but something that scale I’d expect her to either be helping you herself or getting the other bridesmaids to assist you.

Everything else is ridiculous. Maybe asking you to go with her to look at flowers/asking nicely to help with favours etc would be fine, but expecting you to do it all is totally unreasonable.

Not even close to reasonable! What is your friendship like apart from this? If it’s generally good and one of give and take then I’d have an open and honest conversation with her. Personally I’d say that I’m happy to take care of the hen but I just couldn’t commit to the other responsibilities at all. You’re simply too busy. I wouldn’t provide much more explanation tbh. You have nothing to feel bad about here. She’s high maintenance in neon flashing lights and is looking for a skivvy by the sounds of it!

If she’s not happy with you just taking care of the hen party then I’d suggest she picks from the rest of the line up (poor girls)! Hopefully you all say no and she gets a wake up call 😉

OP, if this is how she normally is with you, demanding, with unrealistic expectations, I’d seriously reconsider the friendship. I’ve dropped a number of friendships like this and never looked back! The women in my life now are easy breezy, so supportive and most importantly fun to be around. We have zero expectations of each other. We understand everyone is just doing the best that they can. Life if tough enough, blimey!

I would try to make excuses and just be a 'regular' bridesmaid or even just a guest! Could you nicely explain you won't have time to do everything and don't want to let her down.

I was maid of honour and was part of 3 weddings this year and I reckon there are various levels of MOH involvement, some do lots while others do little. Sometimes i've done lots even as a bridesmaid because it was family. These are the things i'd think are reasonable:

‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’

Yes to this, but I don't see why it has to be a weekend. Obviously take the brides preferences into consideration, but don't overwork yourself. You can also ask any of the bridesmaids/friends if they'd like to be part of organising.

‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’

Depends a lot on what she's planning. Are you all ordering the dress from a store, or going to a store in person? In-person i'd say she has to do a bit of the organising but can delegate some parts to you. If you're ordering online, nothing wrong with taking the lead on that.

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’

As long as she is in charge and you just need to order, and give minimal input then this is fine. Don't let her push this on you though.


’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’

No way, recipe for disaster, bride and groom should choose their own, if there's an issue they will blame you.

’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’

No again, bride and groom.

’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’

Best thing to do is research some makeup artists and give the girls some options, for 11 people you'll likely need more than one. Also ask if anyone wants to do their own makeup. There is NO WAY you can do 9 girls makeup plus yours in the morning before a wedding. Each one will be 1hr at a minimum, plus you won't know how to match their shades.

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’

Yes you can sort it out, but you'll need to give her a budget so you can buy things, don't volunteer for unpaid labour.

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’
No way, you'll be running around looking after other things on the day. Mums take care of them before and after they walk down the aisle.

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’

Totally depends on you. I chose not to do one because I hate speaking in public.

I’ve not read all the replies. I’m just posting to say as MOH you should help the bride to choose her dress, arrange her hen night and pull back her veil (if she’s wearing one) and take her flowers after she has walked down the aisle. That’s it.

The planning of the wedding, photos, videos, hair, make up, flowers etc are down to the bride and groom and their families to arrange. The management of Children's behaviour , throughout the service, is down to their parents.

Are you expected to buy your own dress, shoes, flowers as well?

She is basically asking you to organise her wedding! That's ridiculous. Hen do - yes, although the other bridesmaids should also help with that. But everything else - definitely not! Tell her now there's no way you can help with all of that, other than the hen do, due to your hectic life. And I honestly can't believe she is expecting you to do everyone's make up! They are adults aren't they....do it themselves!!!! It's like she doesn't want you enjoying the day at all, expecting you to get up early to do make up for everyone and to babysit a couple of kids!!!! No no no!

She sounds like a CF of the highest order I’d be telling her that you sorting the hen do is a reasonable request and maybe getting involved organising other bridesmaids bits and bobs but it sounds like she wants you to organise her whole wedding, I’ve never heard so much bollocks in my life I’d definitely be having a word, something along the lines of “I do actually have a life to lead too you know” 🙄

Christ Almighty. I've been an adult bridesmaid three times and never lifted a finger!

(I hasten to add I organised my own hen night as did all "my" brides.)

OP she is massively taking the piss and I would step down or at least reduce her expectations.

Please tell her that you're not a wedding planner!! I never expected my chief bridesmaid to do anything other than turn up to have dresses altered, to come on my hen do and to come early enough to get ready beforehand for hair and pics

Why do posters find it so difficult to read the OP's updates?

She has already spoken to the bridezilla

Guilty as charged. I just jumped in to respond and hadn't spotted how many pages in the thread was. Sorry! 😳

Hen do I think is reasonable. The rest is the bride & grooms responsibility. They should WANT to pick their flowers etc how bizzare! I would reply to her and say although your honoured to be asked, you really don’t think you can do all of the tasks she has asked of you. That your happy to organise the hen, but you feel the rest is her responsibility and that if she feels she can’t do it all alone she needs to pay a wedding planner. Don’t let her walk all over you!!

Good for you OP. Glad it is sorted.

Normal for the MOH to organise the hen. Everything else she's asked if you is unusual, I would say. Sounds like she basically wants you to plan her wedding for her.

in charge of organising the hen weekend - yes this is a given


‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids - a bit mixed, it’s more her thing to organise but something for you to help with if she needs assistance.

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’ - absolutely not, it’s the bride’s responsibility.


’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. - nope, job for the bride, groom +/wedding planner


’organise the flowers’ - no, job for the bride, groom +/wedding planner


’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’ - absolutely not, the bloody cheek of this too! Either she organises and pays or everyone can just do their own! Or you can organise it between you and the other bridesmaids if you like (I.e. if all of the bridesmaids would like your makeup professionally done but the wedding budget doesn’t stretch that far then as a group you can organise it and pay yourselves). But absolutely do not do the makeup for all of the bridesmaids - the products will cost you a fair whack to suit everyone without looking sh!t and it’ll take a LOT of time. It will stress you out and probably the bride too as you’ll likely end up running late.

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’ - reading your comments about your responsibilities in your own life you don’t seem to have the time. Unless you’re the creative type who would actually enjoy doing this then she needs buy them or hire someone to just sort this out.

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’ - errr absolutely not. Their parents can keep an eye on them. Even if they aren’t part of the wedding party they can still look after their kids! Or pay for a baby sitter.

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’ - your choice. Some would love to do this, some would hate it. Maybe highlight all of this sh!t she has asked you to do and toast yourself…? 🤷‍♀️

Your friend is being unreasonable and is taking the p!ss. She needs to find the funds to pay for some of these things that she is requesting of you. She might want to start with a wedding planner - seriously she actually needs to consider this given how much she is delegating. Or if you cba with it just have a chat and tell her that you have reconsidered the offer and given what she is expecting of you in this position that unfortunately you can’t be MOH.

YANBU

I'm shocked at the bride's expectation that you'd do any of these things. I expected nothing of my 'maid of honour' except I asked her to do a speech. The bridesmaids were asked to cover half of their dresses cost (they chose their own look) which I felt bad about but no responsibilities beyond the usual on the day stuff. A gentle but firm word is needed with your friend asap to manage her expectations. Most of the things you list should be hers to do along with her fiance/parents. The hen do yes but definitely not the rest.

The OP updated way back. It's all sorted.