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AIBU?

Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?

303 replies

sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:00

I’ve been asked by a close friend (since childhood) to be maid of honour at her wedding, this September.
She asked me last weekend, they had only announced their engagement a few days prior, but I immediately said yes and was happy to have been asked… however, I either am completely naive as to what I’ve let myself in for and this is the norm to expect from a maid of honour… OR it’s not the norm and is OTT…
Today, we spoke about the upcoming wedding in more detail.

Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)

‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’

’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’

’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’

’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’

that’s everything she can think of ‘so far.’ 😭
I have never been a bridesmaid, let alone maid of honour… I did expect to have some input with the hen do… but the rest feels like she’s expecting me to be a wedding planner. 😐

I should definitely mention that I live a 3.5 hour drive away (I moved away from my home city 8 years ago.)
I love my friend dearly, and have always felt it to be a very equal friendship, despite the physical distance between us now. But I think she’s thinking that I have a LOT of spare time, due to not working.
But I have four children, one of them is severely disabled and requires round the clock care (hence I’m on mumsnet at 1am) and I don’t want to commit to every single thing, if I’m not able to deliver, due to being exhausted or in hospital with my son.
(happens often.)

My OH says it sounds reasonable and most
of these things I can organise easily enough from my phone…. What’s the verdict here??

is this expected of a MOH?
would I be unreasonable to say I can’t / don’t want to take responsibility for all of the above?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:01

That is meant to say September 2023

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Pumpkintopf · 26/11/2022 01:02

The hen do sounds reasonable.

The rest sound like jobs the bride (and groom) would/should do tbh.

I'd manage expectations now rather than feeling resentful later.

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Lex345 · 26/11/2022 01:05

How many flower girls are there it sounds like you will be running a mini creche, where are their parents?!

Therr is no way I would choose flowers or photographers for someone else either.

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sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:05

Pumpkintopf · 26/11/2022 01:02

The hen do sounds reasonable.

The rest sound like jobs the bride (and groom) would/should do tbh.

I'd manage expectations now rather than feeling resentful later.

Yes, I agree with the hen do. Even not knowing many of the hens, that’s fine. Should be easy enough to get a group chat together and throw some ideas around… but I imagine it will still take a bit of time, and if I’m then having to start thinking about making wedding favours of all things, I might cock up the hen do planning 🙈

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Ihatethenewlook · 26/11/2022 01:06

Of course that sounds like a pisstake. Traditionally the hen do is your job. Are you related to the bride

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BruceAndNosh · 26/11/2022 01:06

What is the bride doing that makes her "too busy"?
She's starting early on being a bridezilla

Hen do - maybe.
The rest? Her wedding, her responsibility.

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Theluckoftheirish · 26/11/2022 01:07

The hen night for sure but the rest is just rediculous, it’s her wedding. She needs to organise it or hire a wedding planner and a childminder for the day…. Where will the kids parents be ? That’s very strange.

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sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:07

Lex345 · 26/11/2022 01:05

How many flower girls are there it sounds like you will be running a mini creche, where are their parents?!

Therr is no way I would choose flowers or photographers for someone else either.

Only 2 and they are 7/9 (or maybe 8) so I wouldn’t think they should need much looking after solely by me. Hopefully the other adult bridesmaids could share that job.😐

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TheSausageKingofChicago · 26/11/2022 01:08

It sounds like quite a big wedding if she’s having 11 bridesmaids? She’ll need a hand. Many of those things sound ok, but the videographer I’d expect to be a second opinion rather than the lead.
I wouldn’t be keen on being in charge of makeup. Or paying for things she wanted. But in a big wedding, the MoH is going to be a fairly big role.
Do you feel overwhelmed by it? It does feel like a big commitment but I’d do most of that for someone I loved.

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sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:09

Theluckoftheirish · 26/11/2022 01:07

The hen night for sure but the rest is just rediculous, it’s her wedding. She needs to organise it or hire a wedding planner and a childminder for the day…. Where will the kids parents be ? That’s very strange.

one lives next door 🤣 so parents will be at the wedding but won’t be part of the morning / getting ready etc and the other is a friends daughter (her mum didn’t want to be a bridesmaid, though she was asked)

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BruceAndNosh · 26/11/2022 01:10

Anyone who is having 11 adult bridesmaids and 2 flower girls needs a good talking to.

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sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:11

Ihatethenewlook · 26/11/2022 01:06

Of course that sounds like a pisstake. Traditionally the hen do is your job. Are you related to the bride

No, just very close friends since primary school (and now 35) she doesn’t have any sisters.

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PinkButtercups · 26/11/2022 01:12

I'd tell her to piss off tbh and forget about it. You're not her wedding planner and if she wants one she should pay for one.

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Theluckoftheirish · 26/11/2022 01:12

BruceAndNosh · 26/11/2022 01:10

Anyone who is having 11 adult bridesmaids and 2 flower girls needs a good talking to.

No wonder she can’t afford the favours for the table 🙈

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Lex345 · 26/11/2022 01:12

sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:07

Only 2 and they are 7/9 (or maybe 8) so I wouldn’t think they should need much looking after solely by me. Hopefully the other adult bridesmaids could share that job.😐

2 children, exhausted and probably dosed up on sugar from wedding cake, in formal dress, grouchy from having to stand still/pose for photos/irritated by fabric of clothes/hair/shoes, on an early wake with excitement and late finish with reception...if you are going to organise as much as the bride wants you should at least enjoy the day as well-looking after someone else's children all day wouldn't top my fun list in this scenario

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Specialkp · 26/11/2022 01:13

I thought you were going to say that SHE has 4 kids and no time to organise things.

No, just no, it’s far too much and I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid (in the U.K. anyway, maybe other countries like the USA are different) being expected
to do/organise most of those things!
I’d expect pretty much just to organise the hen do, and that’s more than enough, and they are hard enough to manage, especially looking at some of the threads here! And time consuming.

I am struggling to think of a polite way to say no, but I am sure that someone with more tact than me will come along soon and suggest a way to deal with this!

I just don’t understand people….

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sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:14

TheSausageKingofChicago · 26/11/2022 01:08

It sounds like quite a big wedding if she’s having 11 bridesmaids? She’ll need a hand. Many of those things sound ok, but the videographer I’d expect to be a second opinion rather than the lead.
I wouldn’t be keen on being in charge of makeup. Or paying for things she wanted. But in a big wedding, the MoH is going to be a fairly big role.
Do you feel overwhelmed by it? It does feel like a big commitment but I’d do most of that for someone I loved.

I think my main concern is that things that happen between now and then, and out of my control, will mean I end up cocking something up/ not being able to deliver something important and therefore messing up the wedding. With my son, we can end up in hospital for a week or so, or he’s just unwell at home and I get no sleep. I’m not exactly very productive or organised at those times.

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Kanaloa · 26/11/2022 01:16

Presumably you’ll also be saying her vows for her and lying on the floor outside the wedding car so she can step on your back to get into the car neatly.

It’s her wedding. You’re a guest/part of the wedding party, not a slave. Tell her you’ll do the hen do and she can do the rest of the grunt work herself. I couldn’t be arsed doing all that for MY wedding, never mind someone else’s!

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DPotter · 26/11/2022 01:16

Your friend has acquired herself a cheap wedding planner, actually a free wedding planner - she's taking the piss frankly.

Flowers, gifts for bridesmaids, dress fittings, make-up etc etc - all up to her and her fiancé, and possible her Mum. And who has 11 bridesmaids ? Who will be looking after your children at the wedding ?

You have heavy duty family responsibilities, don't live anywhere near her and I take it, no background in wedding or event management ? You'll end up out of pocket paying for the gifts, flowers, photographer, even if she says she'll reimburse you, you'll be shelling out first. I'd never pick up responsibility for this level of input. You'll be chasing around finding different suppliers to get her approval and you don't live locally to know who to ask, who's got a good reputation, etc etc.

Call me old fashioned, but this type of thing is between the bride, her fiancé and her Mum.

Get back to her and say you can't get involved with organising anything, even the Hen do. This bride will take a mile, if she takes an inch. Step away now.

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sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:17

Specialkp · 26/11/2022 01:13

I thought you were going to say that SHE has 4 kids and no time to organise things.

No, just no, it’s far too much and I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid (in the U.K. anyway, maybe other countries like the USA are different) being expected
to do/organise most of those things!
I’d expect pretty much just to organise the hen do, and that’s more than enough, and they are hard enough to manage, especially looking at some of the threads here! And time consuming.

I am struggling to think of a polite way to say no, but I am sure that someone with more tact than me will come along soon and suggest a way to deal with this!

I just don’t understand people….

Nope, they don’t have any children. I think she’s under the illusion that stay at home mums just do nothing at all, all day long. Though of course she does know I have a disabled child as well. 😐

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BruceAndNosh · 26/11/2022 01:19

sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:14

I think my main concern is that things that happen between now and then, and out of my control, will mean I end up cocking something up/ not being able to deliver something important and therefore messing up the wedding. With my son, we can end up in hospital for a week or so, or he’s just unwell at home and I get no sleep. I’m not exactly very productive or organised at those times.

I'd nip this nonsense in the bud right now.
If she's having 11 bridesmaids, there are plenty of others to allocate tasks to.
Tell her your circumstances mean that you can not take on all those responsibilities

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BrokenWing · 26/11/2022 01:19

Ive been MOH a couple of times. I went to dress fittings, was someone to talk to about arrangements (over wine), went on a few fun shopping trips together, organised a hen night, showed up for the wedding day make up etc and helped her with her dress when she went for a pee 🤣

If I was asked to do what is in your op I would politely resign sooner rather later.

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Ponderingwindow · 26/11/2022 01:20

Arranging an evening out hen for a large group or a longer event for a small group is reasonable. For a big group you should not be asked to manage a longer hen do solo.

Picking flowers, photographers, favors, etc are all the responsibility of the bride and groom. So is arranging fittings making sure there is sufficient child care for any children, and making sure either the bridal party knows to do their own makeup or someone with experience is hired for the job.

basically if you don’t bow out now, you are going to end up with one hell of a story for the bridezilla board on Reddit.

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DelphiniumBlue · 26/11/2022 01:25

I don't think it's usual, no. But she can ask, and you can say no, either to whole thing, or to specifc tasks. For example, you can't realistically look after 2 extra children if you're looking after your own disabled DD, and it doesn't sound as if you have the capacity to do a lot of the other jobs.
As for the make-up, that's just silly. Are you a make up artist? If not, that's another thing to just say no to. If you are, how will you do 11 people in one morning? Ridiculous. Clarify all this as early as possible so that expectations are straightforward.
It also sounds as if you may get lumbered with paying for things and then having to get the money back from her or other people. Unless you are completely loaded, don't pay for anything out of your own pocket. For the hen do , people will need to transfer funds to you before you book. For photographer/flowers/anything else you take on, don't make the final booking yourself, pass it over to the bride for making payments. She sounds a CF, I suspect you may have a problem being re-imbursed.

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sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:30

DPotter · 26/11/2022 01:16

Your friend has acquired herself a cheap wedding planner, actually a free wedding planner - she's taking the piss frankly.

Flowers, gifts for bridesmaids, dress fittings, make-up etc etc - all up to her and her fiancé, and possible her Mum. And who has 11 bridesmaids ? Who will be looking after your children at the wedding ?

You have heavy duty family responsibilities, don't live anywhere near her and I take it, no background in wedding or event management ? You'll end up out of pocket paying for the gifts, flowers, photographer, even if she says she'll reimburse you, you'll be shelling out first. I'd never pick up responsibility for this level of input. You'll be chasing around finding different suppliers to get her approval and you don't live locally to know who to ask, who's got a good reputation, etc etc.

Call me old fashioned, but this type of thing is between the bride, her fiancé and her Mum.

Get back to her and say you can't get involved with organising anything, even the Hen do. This bride will take a mile, if she takes an inch. Step away now.

Definitely no experience in event planning. 🙈 that’s a good point about my own children… my OH said it all sounded fine, but I should remind him that he will be looking after all four of them all day long as I’m so busy doing my ‘fine’ jobs… I think he would change his tune.
🤣

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