Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?
sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:00
I’ve been asked by a close friend (since childhood) to be maid of honour at her wedding, this September.
She asked me last weekend, they had only announced their engagement a few days prior, but I immediately said yes and was happy to have been asked… however, I either am completely naive as to what I’ve let myself in for and this is the norm to expect from a maid of honour… OR it’s not the norm and is OTT…
Today, we spoke about the upcoming wedding in more detail.
Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)
‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’
‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’
’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’
’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’
’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’
’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’
‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’
‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’
that’s everything she can think of ‘so far.’ 😭
I have never been a bridesmaid, let alone maid of honour… I did expect to have some input with the hen do… but the rest feels like she’s expecting me to be a wedding planner. 😐
I should definitely mention that I live a 3.5 hour drive away (I moved away from my home city 8 years ago.)
I love my friend dearly, and have always felt it to be a very equal friendship, despite the physical distance between us now. But I think she’s thinking that I have a LOT of spare time, due to not working.
But I have four children, one of them is severely disabled and requires round the clock care (hence I’m on mumsnet at 1am) and I don’t want to commit to every single thing, if I’m not able to deliver, due to being exhausted or in hospital with my son.
My OH says it sounds reasonable and most
of these things I can organise easily enough from my phone…. What’s the verdict here??
is this expected of a MOH?
would I be unreasonable to say I can’t / don’t want to take responsibility for all of the above?
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
HeatwaveToNightshade · 26/11/2022 08:44
DP and I never got married, so I'm not an expert, but I can tell when someone is expecting too much. With 11 bridesmaids, it sounds as though she has bitten off more than she can chew and expects you to do far more than what would be considered reasonable. I would have a particular problem with being expected to choose things like gifts/photographer/flowers/favours. If things go tits up - crap photos, wilting flowers etc - she will blame YOU for making the wrong decision and not the provider of the service. Those are very personal choices. As for the make up, surely that's the most ridiculous thing of all. If she can't afford a make up artist, then she should ask the whole crowd of bridesmaids to do their own. Or she needs to wise up, lose a few bridesmaids, and use the money saved for a make up artist.
I don't have four children (just the two!) I don't have a disabled child who needs full time care and who has unpredictable bouts of severe ill health. And I would STILL find this all very overwhelming. Either bow out completely or tell your friend what you can manage to do from that extraordinary list of chores. Tell her now and give her time to find some other mug someone else who is able to take on these responsibilities.
thecatsthecats · 26/11/2022 08:49
Nope. I harbour quite a lot of resentment for the friend I was bridesmaid for in the summer.
I didn't even have that list - I just had to work like a dog on the day setting everything up. They had a "DIY" wedding, except I did fucking everything.
My bridesmaids were the people I loved the most, and wanted to have the MOST fun. I actually missed huge swathes of their wedding because of the work I was doing.
They had 200 people there, and I was muttering to myself all day, "you could have cut the last 50 off the list so that you could hire staff so that your best friends could enjoy this!".
AlbertaAnnie · 26/11/2022 08:55
I would say that’s quite alot. Usually moh is in charge of sorting hen do - and generally helping bride with outfit - going dress shopping / Holding flowers when she needs a wee! The other stuff isn’t really MOH territory- although maybe she just wants you to be involved in a nice way and ask asked badly? The flowers/ photos/ childcare are really up to her to sort although she might ask your opinion.
BEAM123 · 26/11/2022 09:01
Way too much. I'd message her back saying you were thrilled to have been asked and can't wait to celebrate her day with her. But that on reflection you can't do the MoH role due to situation with your son as he could have unexpected stays on hospital, you would hate to take on such a big role and risk letting her down, so you'd like to step back and just be a bridesmaid /guest. And if she wants any help choosing flowers etc you'd be happy to help.
RoseGoldEagle · 26/11/2022 09:12
OP -being completely honest- were you expecting her to ask you to be M of H or did it come as a bit of a surprise? Do you have a tendency to be someone who goes out of your way to help people/ are a bit of a people pleaser? (Am saying that in the nicest possible way, as I can be the same).
I’d worry that the bride has picked you for the role (rather than you being one of the other 11 bridesmaids) because she thinks you’re the kind of person that won’t question her on this list of demands, and will just agree to keep the peace.
I could be way off, but either way, you need to message her asap to say, while you’re very happy she asked you to be part of her wedding party, you just can’t commit to what she’s asked of you, that you’re happy to take on the traditional M of H role of arranging the hen do (if you are- even that can be a lot of work, but is the one request that is reasonable enough), but can’t take on any of the other roles. Say you’d still love to be M of H but can understand if she’d rather give the role to someone else who can be sure they can commit to that level of input (and good luck to her finding someone to do that, aside from a wedding planner!).
Robin233 · 26/11/2022 09:21
Says no - you've changed your mind.
How can you do dress fittings for 11 different people if you live 3.5 hours away.
That's 7 hour round trip and with 11 people it wouldn't be 1 day.
Numerous returns for alterations.
And that's just for staters.
Don't be a door mat.
1dontunderstand · 26/11/2022 09:22
It is too much for you.
decide what you are happy to do (and will have the time) and tell her no to the rest.
I would’ve happy to choose any main things for someone else’s wedding ie: flowers and photographer. And definitely not makeup and childcare on the day for other people’s children. Everyone can do their own makeup and look after their own children.
-the hen do
-coordinating appointments and adjustments for bridesmaids dresses
-maybe the centre peices
no to everything else.
babyjellyfish · 26/11/2022 09:41
Uh, no. That is insane. Your job is to organise the hen do and support the bride on the day.
My two bridesmaids sorted out their own dresses (off the peg) with input from me via WhatsApp because I was abroad and they were both in London. They sent me pictures of themselves in a bunch of dresses and I told them which ones to buy and sent them the money and that was it.
One of mine helped me finalise the orders of service.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/11/2022 09:52
You need to say no Op
She is already acting like a bridezilla. This is only going to get worse. Expecting you to do 11 peoples wedding makeup if you start early!? That's probably impossible unless you are very experienced or the wedding is in the evening.
I think her unrealistic expectations are setting you up to fail and if you don't say no the resentment will end your friendship anyway. I've seen people so stressed out about organising things like favours and flowers for their own wedding, and if something goes wrong or it's not to her taste it will be on you. It's too much responsibility
Tripsabroad · 26/11/2022 09:55
Hen do - reasonable.
Dress fittings - I definitely wouldn't want to do that for 11 bridesmaids! It sounds horrendous trying to find a date everyone's free on! I'd try and steer the bride towards buying dresses from somewhere like JJshouse so people can order remotely.
Gifts - don't see why it's going to save her time to find the gifts but not buy them herself! Not reasonable.
Photography etc - job for the bride and groom. But I'd give an opinion if required. Ten minute job.
Flowers - definitely a job for the bride and groom. You'd need to know a lot about the wedding venue to arrange this - when and where delivery would be etc. Having said that, if you want to do it just pick the nearest one available and make a quick decision. I picked mine in 30 mins.
Make-up - I'd refuse. Eleven bridesmaids would take forever! Are you good at makeup?! If she can't afford it, just get the BMs to do their own (or bride can get a make up artist and offer to the BMs to pay themselves if they want.)
’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’ - sounds optional anyway. Either say you don't have time or put out a little chocolate bar or something.
‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’ - no! Where will their Mums be?! Delegate to other BMs.
‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’ - I hate public speaking so would also want another BM to do this. It's not unreasonable though.
EggsHamChips · 26/11/2022 09:57
Your so called friend is taking the fucking piss and treating you like an unpaid wedding planner. It won’t stop there! You’ll be decorating the venue next.
Hen do, acceptable. Attending dress fittings, acceptable. Nothing else. You need to nip this in the bud now. Before it escalates further.
Shinyandnew1 · 26/11/2022 10:02
None of that sounds reasonable and I would be bowing out now!
My MoH was there on the day for support and was wonderful. We went shopping a few times but would have done that anyway! That’s it.
You have four kids-you have enough to do in your life without doing all her wedding planning as well!
BrieAndChilli · 26/11/2022 10:07
hen do - fine
second opinion on things - fine but sourcing and picking things like flowers and photographer not fine. It can be such personal preference with these things.
make-up not fine. Unless you are known for being ace at make up i would want the pressure of trying to make everyone look perfect. People can fo thier own make up.
looking after flower girls - I’d give that to a couple of the other bridesmaids.
speech - fine
wedding favours is probably do as I like crafty stuff and is something you can do in fits and starts.
wedding party gifts - no that should be personal from the groom and bride.
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