Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?

Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)
......................
Fine, it's traditionally the MOH job.



‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’
......................
Nope, her job. I'd happily support her but she should do the bulk of this.



‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’
......................
Definitely not a job for you. If she's got time to choose it and do a bank transfer she's got time to bloody order it herself.



’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’
......................
Is she having a laugh? This is her wedding and this is something she and her partner should to decide.



’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’
......................
Tell her to do this herself. Definitely not a MOH job.



’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’
......................
Nope.



’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’
......................
Nope



‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’
......................
Maybe during getting ready and before the wedding service begins, but not the whole day.



‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’
......................
Fine, if they would like you to make a speech and you are comfortable doing one. It's not traditionally expected though.


All in all she sounds like an absolute dick head. And a bridezilla already in the making.

Where is her partner in all of this?

You need to tell her immediately that you can't take all of this on as you don't feel comfortable making big decisions for someone else's wedding but you will support her with planning the hen do and general running of the day/making sure it all goes smoothly.
She needs to pick her own flowers and photographer and tell everyone to do their own makeup or book a make artist and pay for it herself.
You are not a childminder and won't be taking care of other people's kids all day but you will of course keep an eye on them during the morning when getting ready and having photos taken.

Honestly, who the fuck does she think she is 😂

She needs to pay a wedding planner for a lot of these tasks and/or get the groom involved. A maid of honour is there to support the bride not organise the whole thing.

Definitely not.

The only usual ones are organising the hen, getting the flower girls down the aisle- getting ready and the reception they are their parents responsibility and at a push maybe the speech although I’ve only ever seen that at American weddings.

The rest of it is nothing to do with you. The bride sounds like such an entitled madam that I would personally be questioning not just if I wanted to be the MoH but the entire friendship.

Absolutely not a chance would I be agreeing to that!! She is taking the absolute piss. I paid for a wedding planner for my wedding who helped with all of those things. I had two bridesmaids, my sister and cousin and didn’t really ask them to do anything at all. I paid for their makeup and hair, got them their dresses (they got their own shoes) and got them a lovely gift and a beautiful hair clip. My friends got together and organised my hen for me all together. I find this absolutely ridiculous, please do agree to all of this, especially as you had so much on your plate already. Ask yourself seriously if she would agree to do all of these things for you?

Please DONT agree to this I mean.

F that for a laugh.

She must have a lot of faith in you to expect you to organise all this and still have her dream wedding,

She sounds like a weirdo tbh. I'd happily do the hen and even help with the fittings etc but the rest should be left to her.

I mean you could've sorted a lot of that stuff, or really got your teeth into it, in the time you've spent posting about it on here.

Jokes! 🤣

I don't know what a maid of honour should do tbh, but if a friend asked me to do something for their wedding, and then proceeded with such a list, I would just laugh, and I mean rib hurting laughing.

Flipping heck 😂

no that is not a normal amount of jobs… what bride/ groom doesn’t sort out their own flowers and photographer?!

Don't do it.

I think your friend has misunderstood what a maid of honour actually does traditionally. Which is basically the hen do and emotional support on the day.

There's also a big risk that you will get things wrong with this much responsibility.

Wedding planning is always harder than people expect it to be (I know from planning my own!) There will be hidden costs, decisions to make that you simply won't know what she wants and will worry about getting it wrong.

Most of the things you mention are things that she really needs to do herself, if only because people have very different tastes and you can't read her mind.

Presumably you are not an event planner, a make up artist, a babysitter (!) or so crafty that you can 'just make' favours out of thin air.

You need to lay out the limits of what you can and can't do right now, before this spirals. If she wants a wedding planner then really she needs to pay someone to do that.

Does your friend know what a maid of honour actually is? Are you sure she isn't hiring you as a wedding planner but got the job title wrong?

This bride is a zilla & a CF!

And using you as her personal wedding planner.

Way too much to expect you to do. But you’re going to need to burst her bubble & can’t see her taking it well bcos any reasonable person wld not have expected you to do that much?

Good luck! 🤞

That would be a "hell no" response from me. She's in cloud cuckoo land.

Tell her you love her, you'll turn up for dress fittings if she sends you the time day and place and you'll do your MoH duties on the actual wedding day. Which to be honest shouldn't be more than helping her not get her dress creased and holding her flowers for her for a minute. Plus maybe a quick speech with a few agreed funny stories thrown in.

And I'll be honest she knows your set up as home which makes her list of wants even more unacceptable.

Also to those suggesting the hen do is definitely the OPs tho organise. Why is it?

Back in the day the bride organised it. But then it was also be in the Kings arms on the High Street for 7pm then we've got a table booked at the Greek restaurant on Tower Street for 8.30 followed up by a pub crawl ending up at at the Flying Mongoose as they've got a late bar and are right next to the nightclub.

That would be a no.

hen do I suppose, although let me guess, she wants a week away rather than a piss up in town wearing deely boppers.

You shouldn’t do that anyway, but you definitely can’t with 4 kids including a child with severe disabilities

Wow, no way Hosay. She is being v. UR to even consider asking all of the from you. She sounds self entitled.

explain there is no way you can do all this on top of your existing commitments. ask her to highlight one task that she really needs you to do & focus on that.

a hen do for that many will be pricey & a faff to plan. Unless she’s happy for something low key. The other bridesmaids should be involved in planning & can take on responsibilities if she really needs to delegate all this stuff. But tbh it’s her wedding & for her & DP to be planning.

She's taking the absolute piss

I'm getting married in 18 months, my sister is my MOH, my daughter (9) and niece (8) are bridesmaids, another niece (3) is a flower girl and my son (5) is a page boy.

I do not expect my sister to do anything other than help me organise the hen and enjoy the day. Maybe help me go toilet and hold my lipstick!

We've (my fiancée and I) sorted; photographer, dj, florist, cake, venue, I've found my dress (she was with me). She sends me ideas of things, e,g hair and makeup ideas, or makeup artists etc but there is no expectation that she'll do any heavy lifting.

Your friend is bonkers and I'd be setting her straight...

I think she’s looking for a wedding planner not a MOH

ELEVEN bridesmaids.

No way could you do all that, particularly as you live 3.5 hours away and will be doing it all 'long distance'.
I assume you are in USA?
Just decline politely NOW. It is far too much to expect one person (especially one with four DC) to do .... and her demands are likely to be even more extreme as you get nearer the date.
I really don't see why people see it as an 'honour' to be asked to be MoH ... I would be insulted if a 'friend' asked me to do all that.

Oh OP, you sound like a very nice person so I'm not surprised she's picked you for this position and long list of jobs/ major decisions. Are you creative so did she think you'd really enjoy these jobs or does she think, here's someone who can't say no?

I would thank her that she's given you an early heads up. Say that you really can't do these things but you're ok with her finding a different maid of honour out of her bridesmaids who would maybe like to do these jobs (not likely but you will have more fun with Jess responsibility!). I'm not sure if you usually struggle with boundaries but you really need them very strongly with someone like this.

Good luck!!

This is only going to get worse. Any of those jobs you do, all in fact other than hen do, will be wrong. She won't like your nonprofessional, done in a rush, stressed makeup, the videographer/photographer will be too expensive and she'll refuse to fully refund you because she wasn't expecting to pay that much. Same for flowers. Same for favours. She clearly has high expectations of what you're going to be doing, with no idea about what she's actually asking you to fo. Even wedding planners don't babysit kids and do makeup of anybody, let alone ELEVEN women!

And as you say, she's not even thought of everything yet.

I'd be surprised if the hen do was a simple affair too. You'll have your work cut out for you there: trying to get activities/locations that 25 people to pay on time for and not complain about is nigh on impossible.

I would be looking to back out now. Tell her you're so excited for her, so happy and you really want it all to be amazing. But you're really not able to take everything she needs on and so you need to resign. You can be a regular bridesmaid or not at all if she'd prefer. But whatever role you take, you can't be her MoH because you'll only let her down.

If she gets snippy (or sulky) I'd state clearly that you have an unpredictable schedule because of your disabled child and simply can't do anything at all when you're in hospital with him. And you will therefore not be able to make her happy. Only say it once and then leave it.

She's not going to find anyone who will do all those tasks anyway. Nobody. Not even a wedding planner. So don't feel guilty for one second about saying no. What she's done is incredibly rude. You should never be in a position where you're having to say no to any of this (hen do excepted) in the first place.

Say that you’re happy to help with any advice / opinions about the above. But booking any of it? No way!

This ^^
100%

And conveniently you’ll get the blame for anything that goes wrong too….🤬

So everyone is in agreement that the bride is being a dick, but how do you go about telling them this?

In person? On a call? Via email?

Also, do you pick the jobs you can manage and say no firmly to the rest? Suggest she gets a wedding planner / allocated to other bm etc?

OP will be wondering now how to avoid a fallout ahead of the wedding… I wouldn’t like to be in this position!