MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

What's your dhs thoughts on this?

My in laws live a 8 hr round trip (minimum) and we visit them at least for Xmas and 3-4 times a year. Surprised you can’t visit before Spring.

Spring starts in March.

Wow, a whole 11 days before I said.

Because she's angry. The original thread is here for context.

This can they bring their dog with them? They chose to move away so should've considered the consequences. Don't be bullied

Well of course. But if relationships are good, why not encourage it?

That other thread has a different user name.

OP has started a few threads under different names but the style and details are all the same and she's admitted she's posted before about it. Posters have already spent a lot of time counselling her over her PIL, hence my comments. Her anger towards them for moving is not healthy but she keeps on banging that drum.

From your first thread

My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him.

So facilitate his contact with them.
My in laws lived 2.5 hours away. We went up for the weekend regularly. But over the lat few years I'd go up for the day often. It's absolutely doable (I do it on my own, but presumably you and your DH can share the driving) but it's clear that your punishing them, and consequently your son, who's missing them.

Get up early. Set off at 8, you'll be there at 11. Set off home at the kids bedtime and they'll sleep all the way.

You don't have to agree to DS staying there (my kids didn't stay on their own, I'm not sure why not as we loved and trusted the PILs) but you can go and visit more often if you're prepared to let go of your anger and facilitate your son seeking the GPs he loves.

Sounds like you are pissed off they moved away and are using your son to punish them which is shameful if true. Obviously you know best as his mum but I think it’s lovely that his grandparents want to be involved and I’d be doing everything I could to help facilitate a relationship including working up to overnights if your DS was on board.

I think grandparents often get a hard time on here but if it was you that had moved away I’m sure there would be an expectation that the GP’s would visit to try and maintain a relationship with their GC and I really think you should be making a similar effort even though it is they who have moved.

You and your DP are the children’s parents, so you need to decide together.

It’ll obviously depend on your child and the family dynamics. For example, my ASD DS fairly often stayed at my parents or ex in-laws for a couple of days, sometimes longer, from about the age of 2. It gave them a chance to form wonderful relationships, and it gave me a bit of a break. Was useful for emergency childcare too. My parents were about 1.5 hours away at the time, so not round the corner.

So it’s clearly not a one-size-fits all answer.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him stay away some time! Have to?!!!! What!!

This is a perfectly normal comment to make. Most people say "you'll have to xxx sometime", not meaning it literally. Eg "you'll have to come over for coffee sometime". Besides which, the comment is literally true. At some point you will have to let your child stay overnight away from home. He will grow up and want to stay overnight in other places. And if you don't let him while he is a child there will definitely come a point where you no longer have a choice!

Tbh, given your overreaction to this particular comment, I suspect MIL is completely normal and reasonable.

Why wouldn't you facilitate a positive relationship between your child and his dgm? Doesn't he need more people to love him? I wouldn't do overnights. But you are u reasonable to say "Spring" like you actually have to walk there.

I remember those old threads. Essentially "good" family only move an approved distance.

I'd hoped that that Op might have adjusted by now.

Shame if it's the same one

Don’t know why you’re so opposed to it. I’d send him for a stay and enjoy the break.

Granny can deal with a night terror after all.

Were they 4 years old and suffering from sleep problems/night terrors?

When a 4 year old has a night terror, waking up in a strange bed without his parents on call will simply make it worse.

Well if you’re determined to have hand-wringing, yes.

My eldest is nearly six and hasn’t slept away from home yet.
Don’t be pressured into it. You know him better than your MIL does.

Will Gm stop loving him if he’s not allowed overnight visits?
How strange.

This ^^

He's your child and you know him best, just say no and breezily change the subject. I have a child with ADHD + ASD, he didn't stay away overnight until he was 7 and then it was with his aunt 5 minutes drive away. I felt guilty when I said no to letting his (inattentive) grandfather take him on outings, but I knew it wouldn't be safe so I had to say no.