MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

‘People don’t think through the downsides of relocating away from family and friends. they chose to move away, not you.’

This very much.
Few people put as much thought into how far away they are relocating & the realities of friends/family travelling down as they do working out a daily commute to work.

Understandably for OP & her family, it’s not an everyday short haul journey.

I agree with the posters saying that you should stick to your guns. Its impractical for a 1 night stay and more - if the child wasnt used to staying with gp's would be too much.
I would decide with DH how many visits you are prepared to do per year and book them. Set the precedant of whether you stay with them or a hotel. Then simply say we will see you x.
It hard and frustrating but she is unlikely to give up so I think you will need stock phrases and trot them out. You cant solve her problems e.g re the dog as that will never be the right answer for her.
For me it doesnt really matter who moved away etc.... Get that its frustrating that its her choice but lots of variables in that in terms of the GP relationship.... Its the here and now that matters. 3 hours away for a potentially difficult sleepover just doesnt work.

According to the previous thread Mil’s 85 year old mother lives with them too. It sounds as if difficulty in travelling is greater for them.

My boy stayed with his grandparents for the first time when he was five months. He spent a week with them in every school holiday. Good for him, good for them, good for me. There were no losers.

Why is it unreasonable to say in November they can't visit until spring? Christmas is coming up which costs most families money, and maybe they have other commitments which mean they won't be able to afford to visit until Spring.

Moving away from family does not mean that you can now dictate how your famly members prioritise their spending!

I have five grandchildren and not one of them has stayed overnight. For us and our family it’s just not an issue. My family visits here, we visit them and we do some childcare, on an ad hoc basis. We love taking the children out for the day, we do the beach, farm parks, museums, the zoo, etc. We love doing stuff you do with children but wouldn’t do normally. Three of mine live two hours away, but we still see them regularly. We make the effort.

For me this is what being a grandparent is about. I don’t need or want them at night. In your casev@SweetRascal I absolutely understand your reluctance. Stick to your guns.

‘I also notice a number of posters spouting about how GP visits have been important/beneficial - but don't seem to take into account the ASD. It's simply not the same, ND adds a whole new level of complexity that many don't understand.’

This.
Awareness about ASD & ND in general is still quite low.
My awareness is built upon working with ND adults, & there is more that I don’t know than do, so I would welcome being told by parents about their child’s needs.

Understandably @SweetRascal is protective & in very practical ways cautious about bringing disruption & upheaval that may cause distress for her child & family.

MiL & PiL seem to have low awareness… for now.
This can change, the pivotal point is when MiL & PiL gets the message about ASD & ND, seek to know more & become allies.

Also, what are the practicalities? Have I missed the travel arrangements she’s expecting?
Is she expecting you to drive three hours there to drop him off and then three hours home again, to repeated the next day for pick up?

I agree that there is still very low awareness about ASD.
It’s not the case for me. I work in child development with children with complex additional needs. Two of my own children are on the autistic spectrum (HF) while the eldest has adhd and dyspraxia.

I recognise OP’s authority on this subject. I also think her dh’s input is invaluable. I genuinely believe that sharing the load is the way forward.

I read the other thread someone posted. If you are that person, I do sympathise. But what I notice (and forgive me if you're not the same person) is that you keep saying you said encouraging or supportive or nice things to them, whilst obviously feeling very resentful privately. You also talk (in the other thread if you are the same person) of being a worrier and unable to sleep and I wonder if this makes you run things over in your head.

It is sad that they've moved but it seems like you've taken it as a rejection rather than something they wanted to do independently for postivie reasons. They were probably imaging that they would move to this lovely new area with great things in it that they could show and share with you and their grandkids. They probably never dreamed you'd see it as some kind of personal rejection of you and your children. I would really try and think things through a bit more in terms of why you believe it is a rejection. You seem to have very specific expectations of people at particular times of life. But there are other ways of looking at it. There are even potential positives. That you have a place to stay in a nice area that isn't expensive if you need. That your children can be introduced to the different things of that area and that can be exciting to them. That the grandparents themselves are modeling doing something different and being adventurous for your children, and showing that older people can still makes changes and get out there. As you seem to be an anxious person (and I am sympathetic being one myself), having people that model not being so worried about trying things could actually be a really good thing to have in all your lives.

You sound like a nice person who tries to say the right things but then maybe broods and resentment builds. It's hard not to do this. But perhaps trying to see their moving through a different lense might help. It could be a positive thing for you and your children. But it could also be something they regret and change their minds about, and in that case it's still admirable that they've tried something and had the guts to make a change later in life. It could even be they are just restless or itchy feet people and never settle and that could be annoying, but again not personal and not a rejection of anybody.

On the MIL asking to see the grandchildren, this demonstrates even more that it's not a rejection and you and perhaps your DH are taking this too personally. If she is close to your DS, I'd try and find a way of meeting them halfway as he's only young and may be missing them. In the future you may be pleased that he has a nice safe place to go and visit and so it's not worth burning bridges over. If you don't want him to go stay that's fine. It sounds like they want you all to come and so you can enjoy their new place. Holding onto a grudge might be a shame for you as it might be that a break in a new place could be refreshing for you. If not and you don't want to go, maybe organise a day meet up or something somewhere in between both of you. Good luck OP. Sounds like you actually are fond of your inlaws, so perhaps trying to see it a bit differently would be nicer for all of you in the longrun.

I realise that answer is way too influenced by the other thread so just to make it clear I really apologise if that's not you at all! But on the elements that are similar, I hope some of that answer might be helpful.

I don't think you should have to go carting around the country by the way just to do what they want and if you can't go til spring that's fair enough. But there's a lot to be said for daytrips in mutually accessible places if that's possible. Could be refreshing even and a bit of break, even if you're there too, to have someone else play and spend time with DS knowing they get on well whilst you sit back a little.

I don’t actually understand why you’d say no tbh.

Say nah. It’s only a big deal if you make it one and keep on conversing about it.

This is what I am wondering also. There has been no mention of how this magical deliverance of the little boy to this distant location is to be arranged.

For balance both my DC have stayed with my in laws at that age and we live about that distance away. One also has an asd diagnosis. They love it and have a great relationship with their grandparents despite the distance. So your MiL's suggestion doesn't sound completely unreasonable to me.

Another thread about this?

Are they pressuring you, or are you coming at it from this angle to get people to finally rip into them for moving away?

My stepdaughter is always wanting us to have her son overnight, and has done since he was about 2. Her mum lives abroad and looks after him alone as well (either when they visit her or she visits them). It gives her a break and chance to go out/away with her partner. Can't really see why you are so reluctant (unless there is a massive back story).

4! She's got to be joking. Especially if she's expecting you to make a 6 hour round trip, twice, to facilitate it.

Stay firm. My inlaws live an hour away and there's no way I'd allow my 5 year old to stay there unless her dad also went. She does stay at my mum's once a week but she's 2 miles away and has been involved since she was a baby. My in laws only saw the child 4 times in the first 4 years of her life.

Here's what I might do if I were the OP: research the dog boarding kennels within reasonable distance of the PiL House, send the list and say to MiL, "Go and look at these, pick the best one, book Fido in for a stay and come to visit".

People who have to get their dog sat by friends or home-based sitters need to consider the alternatives- I they want something this much.

I think it’s fine to say no he’s too young. But I think you’re really unreasonable for saying you won’t visit til spring. Seems pretty mean

I wouldn't send him all that way but I'd also suggest to them that they rent a dog friendly cottage or B&B or something near to you.
Or look into kennels.

The answer is no stick to it but they find dog care in your area Drive down or train it drop dog off easy

I think the idea PP had of the inlaws staying at a dog friendly pub somewhere nearby is a good one. A weekend every few weeks?

They are retired presumably with more time/free weekends on their hands than OP?

Re: the Spring visit.
DH and i would probably not be able to facilitate a visit to someone who lives 3 hours away till the new year/spring now either. These are the various reasons why it would be a big deal for us to do a 6 hour round trip or stay away all weekend and i'm sure we're not that unusual.
Work commitments.
Health (DH back problems at the mo. means more than an hour in the car cripples him). Weekend lessons for younger kids paid up.
Cost of petrol.
Car issues.
Commitments to older kids/other adults at weekends.
Younger DCs would/DO struggle with more than 2 hours in the car at once.

I have to say - i feel that the one's who did the moving away should be the ones doing the lions share of sacrifices to keep up regular contact.

It's nit a "right" to have their grandkid(s) stay over. Ours never did.

As others have said they chose to move. Surely they can find kennels for the dog either where they live now, or some near your home? If they put the dog before visiting the grandkid they allegedly miss so much, well in my book they can't be missing him that much!!

"I won't be dictated to"

Absolutely this. Stand firm.

YANBU.