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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws abandoning us to move away

440 replies

mag2305 · 18/02/2022 00:25

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

OP posts:

Susu49 · 18/02/2022 00:30

Ynbu to feel rejected and sad but I think you know that it's unreasonable to name it an issue

Dillydollydingdong · 18/02/2022 00:30

Yes, you're right, it's normally the young ones who move away without a by your leave, and the oldies are left behind. Why don't you just talk to them about it and find out what their motivation is, and what plans they have for family life afterwards.

SomePosters · 18/02/2022 00:35

Your children are your priority and you can imagine being a short drive away from them. That’s reasonable

Sounds like they have been working toward this for a long time and can finally fufill a long term dream to move to the place they associate with holidays and being relaxed

You can still have a relationship it’s not like they’re moving to Australia!

Go and have holidays there, invite them to you. Build the relationship you want to see

SomePosters · 18/02/2022 00:35

*can’t

Sarcobaleno · 18/02/2022 00:36

sorry but yabu. They are already looking after the 85 year old granny, so they are thinking about family. You sound like you're being a bit needy over this. I'm sure they enjoy being grandparents but it's their life, not yours. Be grateful you can live how you want without guilt wherever and however you choose now.

peboh · 18/02/2022 00:37

Yabu. They've lived their lives, raised their children to adulthood, now they deserve the chance to do the things they want to do. They aren't abandoning anyone, they're just putting themselves first for once and at their ages they absolutely should do so!

HeddaGarbled · 18/02/2022 00:39

I think it’s a good move. Not tied to a workplace anymore so move somewhere lovely.

Think of the free holidays!

SheilaWilcox · 18/02/2022 00:40

Is this some kind of reverse??? 3 hours is nothing really.

I think you should be happy for them.

steff13 · 18/02/2022 00:41

Reverse?

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 18/02/2022 00:42

OP brace yourself you will get lots of people saying YABU and I do think YABabitU but totally understandably upset. Think of free holidays and it's not that far. I do sympathise though as I would be devastated if my parents decided to leave like that!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2022 00:42

Bloody hell, how self-absorbed can you be? They've raised their kids, they've worked hard, and they want to retire to a place they both love. They have lives, too.

steff13 · 18/02/2022 00:44

If this is not a reverse, have you considered that they may have told you last because they knew you'd react like this?

givethatbabyaname · 18/02/2022 00:44

I think if you read your own OP from the perspective of a couple who have worked, raised their children, and are now looking after an ageing parent, you might see just how correct you are in your assumptions.

They want time and space for themselves. Let them live their lives. 3 hours is nothing. You can visit for a weekend every few months.

Atourwitsend · 18/02/2022 00:44

Although they are within their rights to move away are they going to expect you to run after them in twenty, twenty -five years time when they're elderly?

DropYourSword · 18/02/2022 00:45

'Abandoning' you?!
I get you're upset they are moving away but it's unfair of you to equate that to them wanting to get away from you, or not enjoying being grandparents.

Nsky · 18/02/2022 00:47

My younger son 30, chooses to ignore, my elder son lives 2 hrs away, and my nearest brother nearly 4 hrs away.
Other brothers Italy and Spain, try and get together at least once a year.
You’ll both share seing each other

Coyoacan · 18/02/2022 00:47

As grandparents we cannot afford to get too reliant on our grandchildren being around. My dd and dgd live with me but only yesterday my dd talked about moving to the other side of the world. That is her right and I would be unreasonable to complain

steff13 · 18/02/2022 00:52

@Atourwitsend

Although they are within their rights to move away are they going to expect you to run after them in twenty, twenty -five years time when they're elderly?

Who gives birth to children with the expectation that they'll be obligated to care for them in old age? I would hate if my children put their lives on hold to care for me.

coffy11 · 18/02/2022 00:53

You sound selfish. They should do what makes them happy, not what you think they should do.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 18/02/2022 00:54

They’ll be back when they want looking after in their old age ….

Sarcobaleno · 18/02/2022 00:55

@Atourwitsend

Although they are within their rights to move away are they going to expect you to run after them in twenty, twenty -five years time when they're elderly?

Do you mean that if they choose to move 3 hours away they shouldn't hope for help in their old age if they need it? Mean!

peboh · 18/02/2022 00:55

@LovelyYellowLabrador

They’ll be back when they want looking after in their old age ….

Really? That's bogus. You've no idea what kind of people they are. They could already have plans in place that don't include their children taking the bulk of their care. For gods sake. Our parents are allowed to live their lives away from us.

Cocogreen · 18/02/2022 00:56

I understand that you're upset but as I'm late fifties like the in-laws, I can see both sides.
They're young enough to enjoy a new challenge and new area and can enjoy themselves after raising their family.
But having grandchildren 3 hours away would make me sad.

saraclara · 18/02/2022 00:56

On another thread the other day, people were saying how unreasonable a mother was being about her son, DIL and little grandchild moving to another country for a job. Just as her other child had done.

A widow, now going to be alone, she was vilified for crying at the news. She was supposed to wave off the last of her children, and her grandchild, with great excitement for what a wonderful opportunity it would be living abroad.

It's almost always the younger generation moving without a backward glance, and no-one gives that a thought.

monroeagogo · 18/02/2022 00:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

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