MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

And also I'd worry too!

I'm already worrying and it's not even going to happen... yet

They could bring the dog but stay in a nearby dog friendly pub or hotel.

Next time say no and tell them you won’t be answering at all next time.

We also got told we’d ‘have to’ leave our kids at some point. Well no, we wouldn’t have to at all.

Don't feel like you have to explain. This is your choice.

Yanbu 4 years old is far too young.
When ours (also with asd) was 7 we first did a trial-run with him staying with GP and us in a hotel 5 minutes away in case anything went wrong. It all went well and now spending 3-4 nights with GP a couple of times a year is perfectly normal and fun for everyone. But these things can't be rushed into and they chose to move away and have a dog which limits their options

As someone who has had a very similar exchange with MiL who assured me I would “have to force my DC to face their fears and interact with them better” all I can suggest is that you stick to your guns.

Your child, your choice in terms of how and when they visit GP.

YANBU at all. I wouldn't let him without SEN tbh, it's too far for a first sleep over in a house he doesn't know.

They chose to move away, they're responsible for visiting.

I would absolutely explain "you know how you don't want to let your dog sleep somewhere you don't think he'd settle? Well we feel the same about our child, except times a thousand because he's our child, not a dog." Also tell them that the more they try to pressure you the more uncomfortable you'll feel about it because they're clearly not listening to how you feel.

I absolutely detest when grandparents people say "he'll be fine" when you're his bloody mother and you know whether he'll be fine better than they do. It just shows a total disregard for you as their mother and for the child's wellbeing.

They're pritorising themselves and their dog over your child and I wouldn't give it another thought.

Tell her she needs to find a dog solution so they can visit you in the new year. Kennels or a dog minder, they will be available to book so she doesn't need to wait until they have made friends in the new area.

Your son can visit them for a little holiday when he is old enough to decide he wants to have a little holiday with them, maybe in a school summer holiday.

Totally up to you if and when you want your DC to spent a night away from home without parents around. I think four is too young, particularly as your DC won’t even be familiar with the house. Could you not meet up for the day at a half-way
point between now and next spring?

Mine go and stay with GPs in the school holidays. Maybe you can do that? The dc love it. I also have ADHD child who doesn't usually sleep but sleeps fine at grandma's!

Fait enough to say no to sleepover but pretty terrible you won't visit until next Spring. I think you could make it happen sooner than that if you wanted to, just go for a weekend. I'd be sad if my child grew up and couldn't make it to visit me for so many months just because I was a few hours away. Even if it was their choice to move, I would still prioritise a visit.

Where did OP say they wouldn't visit until next Spring?
Next year could mean January which is only a few weeks away.

Can't they come for a visit near you and stay in an Airbnb or hotel that allows dogs?

Actions have consequences, positive or negative. They chose to move, it’s not your responsibility to negate the consequences of that decision. They can find an acceptable arrangement for their dog and travel to you. Or not. Why the responsibility rests on your shoulders baffles me. Absolutely no way I’d send a 4 yo to a strange place, 3 hours away. Let alone one with probable special needs.

I would jump at the chance, it's a lovely idea

They clarified in a post it would be next spring.

I think it very much depends on the relationship the DCs have with the GPs. My dad lived with us when my DCs were a toddler and a baby and then he moved round the corner. They have always had a close relationship with him and he has taken them away for short breaks and has had them to stay at his house since they were small - they are now 9 and 12. However, they have never stayed at my PIL. They don’t see them that often - once every couple of months.

Did MIL really think they could move away and see everyone as much? Not have anything change?

Tell her a firm no, then say you are not discussing this again. Tell her she moved, you didn’t, end of conversation. What a cf. there is always someone trying to dictate without thinking of the child. He is 4, he will be upset and scared being so far from his mum in a strange place overnight.

Maybe the parents could prioritise a visit?

That's her problem.

Just be firm.

My mum moved 6 hours away and abroad then bitterly complained we didn’t visit her enough and that she only saw gc once year, because I couldn’t afford the flights more than once a year. Moving away was your in law’s choice. Let them say whatever they like and only do what you want to do.

It's a shame there isn't a solution which suits everyone, grandparents can be such a positive in children's lives. That said, no-one - particularly someone who has moved away - should be insisting on overnights.

I'm interested as to why some posters don't want their children staying with grandparents. Our grandchildren stay regularly with all grandparents (3 sets due to a divorce) and have done from being small (about 1). It's a lovely positive experience for everyone and gives parents a much needed break.

All in good time. He is still very little.

My MiL pressurised us to have ours overnight from 3 weeks old. She is baby-obsessed and really didn't want me to breastfeed so that she could take the baby. Once the next baby came along she dropped all interest in the older one (who had reflux), and so on. When we were at a point where a sleepover would have worked she had lost interest in our family altogether and was on to obsessing over my niece and nephew. The result is that she has a distant relationship with her now teenage grandchildren, but still resents us. It was all about her and consequently she has missed out.

Aren't you the poster who has posted about this half a dozen times already? Two children, one with SN, PIL have moved hours away. You really need to let go of your anger at them choosing to live somewhere else to see out their retirement because it is becoming so toxic.

You can’t leave a dog alone in the house while you’re away for the weekend - it’s not about it being happy or uncomfortable 🙄