MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

You sound angry at them for moving, where you unhappy with their decision ?

I think it’s good that children experience the odd sleepover away from their parents, just in case of a future emergency, where there might be no choice other than them staying over elsewhere.

Do PIL now live somewhere really nice? Why not book a B&B nearby… have some downtime with OH, but, be on hand in case things something happens.

I’m not sure what the big deal is?🤷‍♀️

my son (ADHD) has stayed over with both sets of grandparents - both of whom live more than 3 hours away.

he loves it. Gives him a taste of independence, while still being with people who love and care for him.

I also stayed with Grandparents at this age- loved it!

Why can't it be before next spring?

Hi, your mil states she can’t find suitable dog care as yet…
try telling her about “Borrow my Puppy”.
Reviews on Trustpilot are mostly very good.
That will enable her to come to see you all.

I do believe that you can only let your children stay away when YOU are ready.

it doesn’t matter when other mums feel ready.
depending on how your dc progresses as he gets older, you might then feel ok to let him stay away.
please don’t let anyone pressure you into thinking you should enable this… don’t pressure yourself either.

make sure your dh is on board with this too.
if mil detects that he could be the weak link, she may try to get her way via him.

stay strong.

you are dc parent

mil has had her child rearing experience

this is your time to take the rights and responsibilities of parenting… also the rewards!
she may well be fine with your dc, but you will be distraught if dc isn’t fine, and even if all goes well, you (knowing your dc best) will be unable to relax, and possibly will be an unpleasant experience for you.

take care

YANBU And I would actually say to her well you chose to move so far away. I would even say you won't consider an overnight stay until he's 9 or 10. That should shut her up.

We have a similar situation with IL moving away to a rural location and then constant comments that they don’t see the grandkids enough, pressurising us to go and stay (even though we do see them a lot, they come to us!). She tends to nag at me and sort of use me as a go between like ‘why doesn’t DH visit, can you get him to visit 🤷‍♀️). So I have delegated all conversations to him! Just refer to DH as he organises visits. I think four is too young to stay alone and we work and have weekend committed activities. It’s just difficult and I also hate being made to feel guilty for not visiting when it was their choice to live somewhere far away from us.

How is he supposed to get there?! I don't understand why you have to make allowances for them not finding a dog sitter, but send your little boy to them like a package (who knows if the dog is suitable for a little boy, anyway?).

It is a pity your DH does not have your back on this unreasonable demand.

I get this. My MIL moved from 4 mins up the road to 3+ hours away, and now complains she doesnt see the kids as Im lazy and wont drive the distance!
I work 40+ hours a week, plus do a lot of volunteer work (which I love) and I dont really fancy spending my weekends driving to a place where you are lucky to get a phone signal, let alone wifi! It also doesnt have a pub.

Just to balance things out a bit, my little GS 3 yrs old (almost 4) has stayed overnight with me on a number of occasions and we ve been very close since he was born and he stayed happily with me for a week when mum was in hospital. He now has a little sibling and they ve both stayed at my house overnight while mum and dad had a much needed night out and I ll be doing that again soon. I guess it depends on the family circumstances and how well the children are connected with the GP. I m very lucky to be close to my GC and they only live a 5 min drive away, I have no doubt I ll be doing this for many years to come, health permitting or until they reach an age where they don’t want to go to grandmas anymore and that ll be a sad but probably inevitable day

OP has started multiple threads expressing her anger that her PIL have dared to move away to have a nice life, but she tells it through a complaint like this one. To me, what her MIL sounds like a throwaway remark, not an order OP's DS needs to be delivered to her door for a week's stay. I think it helps OP when everyone on MN froths on her but it's becoming unhealthily obsessive.

I mean, 'what her MIL SAID sounds like'...

My sons stayed at their grandparents a couple of times a year from just pre school so 4ish. They learnt to grow potatoes, visited the 100 year old neighbour for tea and cakes, played water fights, picked runner beans and soft fruits. All stuff I would not have the time to do. They both look back fondly on that period of time as both grandparents died when they were 14 and 16.

However it is your choice but don’t use your kids to punish your Hs parents for enjoying their retirement.

Your circumstance is different in that your child has additional needs, I'm very surprised by people without ND children saying theirs are 8/9 and not stayed at grandparents' yet. DS is almost 4 and spent last weekend at grandparents' , has his own room there decorated for him, a train set, toys they have chickens etc which he loves helping with. It's about 1hr 45 away.
He has an excellent relationship with them. I wouldn't have sent him as a baby as he couldn't understand it was a visit, but now he sees it as a real treat to go there without us.

In your situation I'd be more cautious, he's still being diagnosed, his needs affect his sleep and ability to process change and your PIL don't seem to acknowledge any of this.

You’re MIL is being wrong and selfish to try and pressure you into this. Sounds like you need to enter that difficult relationship strange of firmer boundaries being established. I wish you all the best.

Your*

I think you're being unreasonable yes.

I don't understand why the responses are so supportive so far. This is really easy to sort out. You go with him and stay there to (sleep on the sofa needs be) and encourags a good relationship between your child and their grandparents. If it goes well and once everyone feels confident they meet you halfway for regular stayovers. You facilitate video calls etc in between visits to keep things going in between.

Grandparents are an important part of your child's life, you sound dead set against them. You can't punish them just for moving away and your child will benefit from a relationship with them.

I honestly don't understand why all the barriers and yes, i have two nd children with grandparents living far away, one set live abroad.

Staying overnight with grandparents is not a compulsory part of childhood. So don't feel pressured OP. you don't have to come up with an age that this might happen at, it might never happen.

My kids have never stayed overnight at grandparents unless it was part of a visit when we were all there.

Grandparents tended to visit us more.

It doesn't matter why you don't want your ds to stay over, he's your ds so it's your decision.

Tbh my friends ds has asd and adhd and he stays over at his gp on a regular basis to give his dp a break. But they are just round the corner so if he does need his dp they can walk to the house

I wouldn't either, he is too young and with special needs. Just say no. Perhaps more face time calls, and letters between them?

Emails too.

The operative word here is “can”

gp can be a positive. They can. Equally they can be a negative. Not all parents are good parents, ergo, not all grandparents are good grandparents.

my ds was happy to stay with my mum, but he was at least 5 years old and it was 10
minutes. She turned out to be very unkind to him, and to me so we don’t have anything more to do with them anymore. Under these circumstances with @SweetRascal there is no way on earth I’d allow this and “you have to leave him sometime” comment would be met with a response of “and when we decide the time is right and the location/circumstances are right AND He’s ready and happy to do so.. then we’ll consider it. We won’t be told by mil or anyone else where, when or who he’ll stay”

@SweetRascal put her firmly in her place. She’s his gm, you are his mother. She doesn’t have any right to pressure you or overrule you.

My little one is still a toddler and doesn’t have the same needs but my in-laws have moved away. Not as far as yours, just over an hour but when they visit it’s like they expect the world to stop for them coming. We have to buy them dinner every time and my little one is expected to know them when they visit once every few months. They’ve never even offered to come down to babysit for us to go out for a meal or anything and obviously can’t rely on them for babysitting during the week but they asked to take him for the weekend and my husband (who isn’t as OTT as me acted like that might be fine) 🙈 I had to say no and I don’t think Itl ever be a yes. He’s only ever stayed at my parents once when there was no alternative and they look after him when I’m at work so he knows them really well

Not sure if you've noticed, but ASD is not the same as ADHD, and every child is different.

Why can't you go til next spring? It's 3hrs away. At a push you could do a day trip, bit surely you have one Saturday and Sunday free between now and April?

Why on earth would anyone be pissed off that their mil who you’re not pally pally with moves away? <shrug> it’s their loss and their decision. @SweetRascal honestly don’t sweat any of this. Don’t allow this negativity into your life. You can’t make others live the way you want and they can’t change how you do things either.