MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

As a child who moved away from their grandparents at 4, you then went to stay with them for the vast majority of school holidays. Those “holidays” those trips to stay are still some of my best memories of my childhood.

Just remember you are taking away from him as much as your are taking away from them.

Did you have night terrors and other special needs?

YANBU OP, 4 is so little. Your child, your decision, she needs to stop asking.

We live literally few doors away from MIL and FIL and our kids have never stayed overnight, our eldest is too ASD and ADHD at 9 I still would not trust her, mentally she is more like a 3 year old, she could easily play with matches or if she would find someones medication open the packet etc.No dangers awarness. Besides that, why does she assume you want your kids to be overnight somewhere else.

Since your child has ASD, is the MIL ready to drive the child home at night if they have a meltdown because its not their own bed they are expected to sleep in? My ASD child is dependant on my husband to read her to sleep, when my husband has been away she literally stays up through the night, I mean,not a wink of sleep,asking every 2 minutes where is he.

I think the moral of this story is to discuss this kind of thing with Grand parents if they are thinking of a move away to retire, just so they are aware DGC won't automatically be packed off on a train to see them.

Wouldn't have occurred to me preciously but would now.

hi

im just wondering who is going to do the 12 hours of driving for this sleepover?

would it make better sense for them to come down to an air Bnb locally with the dog & stay? I’d suggest they do a sleepover like that, then you’re nearby & if it’s shite np, never have to do it again 😊. If it works ok then great, you’ve got babysitters - and they prob find it all too much hassle & give it up.

I think a lot of grandparents move away, because somehow they don’t really think that it’s gonna make a difference in the relationships. I think they’re just really focused on their retirement dream.

xxxxx

Your MIL is being ridiculous. My children are 15 and 12 and have never slept over at my parents-in-law’s house. There is no ‘have to’ about it. You’re the parent so what you say goes!

Agree with others, YANBU. We live 2 hours away from MIL and 9 hours away from my parents. My DS is 7 and only in the last couple of years have we let him stay with MIL by himself but he doesn't have any ASN. If he did, I would feel differently. When he's into his early teens we may let him stay with my parents on his own as it's so much further away. Your child, your choice.

@Outnumberedwoman completely agree. My eldest was the same and despite my constant vigilance we still had a few close calls at this age. It is constant . and it's not just the overnight issue of him being awake or unsettled and hours away from home, it's also that he likely thrives on the consistency, familiarity and comfort of home. I don't see how it's in his interests to be overnight three hours away from home in a house he's barely familiar with. It's all about grandma and what SHE wants. 🙄

The river would scare me. We lived near a river when DS1 was younger and I read somewhere that drowning is the number one cause of death for autistic children. I had him in 1:1 swimming lessons as soon as I could but even when he knew how to swim, swimming in a pool in his trunks would be very different to landing in a cold body of water fully clothed. And he'd have thought nothing of jumping in!

OP you are far from unusual being uncomfortable with this. Just keep saying no, repeating when you will visit them, and stating they're welcome at yours if they find doggy care.

You seriously need to meet my OH mum. It’s completely in spite of her that he’s a wonderful (but damaged in places) human being.

my ‘mil’ is an awful parent. Fucked up the lives of all her kids

Ahh the good old generalisation mixed with ignorance and judgementalism. A MN stalwart. Bravo.

not all people are nice. They grow up, they have relationships, get married and have kids all while still being not very nice. They become in-laws and grandparents and - Shock horror - are still only interested in their own happiness.

if you had wonderful parents/grandparents good for you, we’re all literally delighted for you.

some of us didn’t and there are degrees to that. MIL IS placing her needs/bragging rights ahead of the health and well-being of a tiny child.

if his mum isn’t comfortable with this, that’s enough reason for MIL to wait.

Yes of course it's normal to be reluctant! My kids have close, loving relationships with all 4 of their GP, but - with the exception of 1 night out of necessity - did no sleepovers until age 6 (for the easier one) and age 9 (adhd and other issues). And I trust my parents and in laws!!!