MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

Would you like a second chance to read my post, where I said I wouldn't do overnights but think it's unreasonable to say, in November, that you can't visit till Spring? The woman won't stop loving her grandchild even if she never sees him again. But the child will not have the benefit of feeling that love in his life.

My children have never stayed at MIL’s. Firstly they smoked in the house and secondly they had a temperamental dog. End of.

Three hours away?

That's surely doable in a day?

I wouldn't be putting myself out to visit but I wouldn't be punishing them either.

I agree with you that you don't ever "have" to leave your kids overnight though.

Perhaps it's the way she's going about it that's so annoying?

I also think it's good that she wants to find a decent place for the dog!

Try not to let your current feelings about MIL moving away cloud your judgment. It can be beneficial for all concerned to build a poitive relationship between children and grandparents. Don't be pressursed but also don't react in a way now that might prevent this happening in future. A stay with grandparents could be a great experience for him when your DS is ready, and could also give you a welcome break. It depends on what the child and grandparents are like. You know that much better than people on a forum. You are in a position of nuturing the relationship between them if you wish to. Think about this carefully before you react too strongly. At the moment you have good reasons for not letting him stay over, but I'd look to the future and work on building the relationship in other ways.

Is your husband allowed any views on this?

Your child - end of story
But also your DHs child - and as it’s his parents, he needs to be allowed an opinion as well. If he agrees with you, then fine. But at least talk to him about it. He might enjoy a childfree weekend with you, and moght think that it would be good for your son.
I don’t know your MIL or your child, or your DH so it’s hard to know what I would do.

People don’t think through the downsides of relocating away from family and friends.
they chose to move away, not you.

I have read it.
The GPs have moved three hours away and the onus is being put on OP to put in all the effort for visits, with the responsibility of her in laws love of her child being placed on her shoulders.

Shame the child's dad and the grandmother's son get no say in it all.

Fortunately, when we decided to live 2.5 hours away from my PILs they didn't punish us for it, and visited us regularly (as we visited them).

OP is as guilty of 'using' the child as they are. Not re the overnighting, that's fair. But in the 'we can't possibly visit until spring' thus making her son, who loves his GPs, pay.

But yes, the PILs also need to be flexible and sort the dog out.

Some kids don't travel so well. A six hour round trip in a day wouldn't have worked for my young kids at all. PIL are adults without young children to travel with. They can sort out a new dog sitter and come too.

I've been in this situation, ASD child, grandparents moved away and then complained they don't see them enough.

When my child did stay they sat in a wardrobe crying - which the GP had completely missed. GP said they'd never have them again as it was hard work. Sadly, GP doesn't recognise ASD and had a fairytale view of having DC to visit.

I regret sending my ASD child just to placate the GP. You're the mum, you decide. I also notice a number of posters spouting about how GP visits have been important/beneficial - but don't seem to take into account the ASD. It's simply not the same, ND adds a whole new level of complexity that many don't understand.

Exactly this.

When MIL moved abroad she gave absolutely no thought to this at all. DH has done weekly video calls since she went. She comes over annually and stays with us for at least a week of her 3 week trip, which is all organised to suit another relative and we just have to fall in line. We've been over to visit once and it cost us a fortune we don't have as we can't stay with her. She's a lovely granny to the kids but she won't have the same relationship with them as she would if she still lived 30 minutes away. Her choice.

@diddl

Three hours away?
That's surely doable in a day?

Yeah - because 6 hours in a car with a 4yr old with ASD is a GREAT idea.

I would be asking her why she didn’t discuss this with you before she decided to move? And I’d also let your DH do the talking for you.

‘When ours (also with asd) was 7 we first did a trial-run with him staying with GP and us in a hotel 5 minutes away in case anything went wrong. It all went well and now spending 3-4 nights with GP a couple of times a year is perfectly normal and fun for everyone.’

This is a sound gentle approach for developing a child’s sense of independence. By 8yo, staying away for a night is an adventure.
A nearby hotel, with a family room, is the right level of distance for an emergency quick dash to or from home. Not too far, not too ££.

A scoff-up breakfast buffet is a kid’s exotic banquet - endless sausages & pancakes, toast hot off a conveyer belt, little pots of jam & ketchup etc. Wanton plate piling with no exhortations to hold back or finish up, what’s not to like for a hungry kid?

Obviously 4yo is young, especially if the child needs support through the night.

As your DC settles more, Would you consider a brief weekend city break away with your In laws? Have your iLs babysit the kids in situ while you & DC have a date night? Build up the connection & camaraderie between all of you, it’ll bring joy, ease & future dividends.

Your iLs love your children, more than anyone other than you & their father.
It is an unconditional love for the children particularly when they are young, it’s all the ‘just’ adult stuff of life that gets in the way: time, distance, money & family dynamics etc.

They are squaring up to the challenges of early retirement in a lovely place but possibly that bit too far away from family, friends & community, maybe even missing work. Possibly they are having some buyer’s remorse - that’s their deal - & their grandchildren represent a loving closer connection, a future contentment they are yearning for? Bet they’d love to park the dog so they can get about a bit now they have all this time on their hands - city break maybe?

So, although MiL is not yet up to speed, loving energetic grandparents are a blessing. Nurture the connection, be direct & informative with kindness.

Do not look a ‘gift’ grandparent in the mouth.

Could you or your DH meet mil with your son for a day trip half way?

I do sympathise with your point of view but on the other hand, Spring is a long way away! This could be a good compromise if she wants to see her GC more regularly.

Could MIL come and visit and leave the dog with FIL

I was thinking of PILs travelling.

Why can't you visit till 2023 abs why can't they bring the DDog?

It's only on MN I've come across this reluctance to allow children to stay over with grandparents etc. In real life, my children, and my friends children all do it - inc those with ASD.

I accurate can't think of a single friend in real life, who hasn't been at least semi regularly studying over with grandparents by the age of 4.

My first slept over fairly regularly (every couple of months maybe) from the age of 1, and my second from 2.

Thank goodness we did, because when my youngest was taken seriously ill, my eldest went to live with grandparents for 2 months whilst we were in hospital etc, with spending some weekends with friends. It would have been far more distressing for her if she'd never even started away from home before. You never know where life will lead, and when an emergency might come up.

That said, it's yours and your husbands (equal!) choice. It does feel like you are trying to punish them for their choices though.

I also think it’s unreasonable not to take dh’s point of view into account.

Mumsnet does have a slightly bonkers contingent of controlling/in-law hating/combative/my baby, my rules/me me me mothers in attendance.
I was never like that…not even with my PFB. He went to stay in France with the in-laws for 10 days when he was 3 and it was BLISS. Came back with a tan having learned to swim. Brilliant.

Can’t see any negatives in allowing the 4 yr old, to go and stay with granny. It can only be good for him. This is about mum not wanting to relinquish control. Some will argue that’s her right. Fair enough, I just happen to be cut from a different cloth.

Would he even want to stay away from you and his so familiar environment? Your son would probably hate to be away from you! And do you feel like your MIL is capable to deal with him considering the special attention he needs? Ultimately is about how this setting would make you both feel. I can't envision my 3 yo sleeping away from us. I came to terms that my MIL, well PIL all together are absolute useless although they would love to have my DS for the night. But they absolutely ignore everything I say and all the routine he is used to and I hate that. And even DS sometimes refuses to go anywhere with them... So that makes me wonder.
My point is. Don't allow anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The quicker you pass the message that you don't want him to go the quicker MIL will drop the subject.

are you the poster who overheard her mil bitching about her and the oldest not being as settled in childcare as you wanted them to think? sounds like nothing has improved if so

Absolutely not.

I wouldn't entertain this without the complications of SEN.

This is not in your child's best interests.

They have chosen to move away, which is their right, but the consequences are clear.

Do not be pressurised to visit.

Her concern for her dogs comfort ahead of your son's is hilarious.

She visits you or she doesn't see him.

The other alternative is your husband occasionally does a visit and stays.