MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

Let mil have your child for a night or two and don't answer the phone when she rings in the middle of the night begging you to come take the child home . She won't ask again.

Totally understand its your choice, however I'd LOVE for my mum to have my kids for sleepovers more often. We have the opposite battle of her not wanting to! 😂
My children spent 2.5weeks with my in laws in France this summer. My children are cuttently 3 and 5.

Why can’t you go before then? Seems a long time.

I understand you not sending him to stay there. Your mil would cope, partly because he would have so much attention. She has been a parent before. However, I think you should go there to stay, a couple of times a year at least, and have regular days meeting half way. It’s important for Grandparents to see their Grandchildren as much as they can. Who knows what’s around the corner. One day you will hopefully be a mother in law, and your son will take you as a role model. If you don’t go to see your MIL, I can’t see why he would stand against his wife, if she doesn’t want to travel to see you. You will probably enjoy going there because you will have someone else to share the responsibility of looking after a son with ADHD. You could also take the opportunity to have a night out with a baby sitter. She won’t know your son like you do, no one does, but it will give her a chance to learn and for him to build his relationship with her.

How old is she? She is a parent too, presumably she did ok with your husband. Have you asked your DC if they want to stay with granny?

Or if she can’t find a dog sitter couldn’t you use a cat sitter as a compromise?

I’d just try to facilitate a relationship between my children and both sets of grandparents.

Why cant she find a dog friendly air b and b near you

Surely one/two nights? They pick up
and drop
off?

I think you are being unreasonable sorry, I've got a 4 year old with possible ADHD/ASD and every fortnight he goes to his grandparents fri-sun and I cannot tell you how much me and his dad need those breaks at times. We love our DS'S very much but after 2 weeks of being yelled at/smacked/and the meltdowns for our own mental health we need the break. We have a teenager as well, who has finally learnt the value of the 'lie in' so on those 2 mornings we don't have to get up at the break of dawn.

Give it a trial run, if he settles happy days, if he doesn't then you know he's not ready for it. Who knows he might really enjoy being with them and you get a break as well.

"Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!"

Yes - when he is 27

OP doesn’t want to. So no.

@Toomuchtrouble4me I did explain in one of my posts on this thread

Is it normal to worry about the prospect of my child staying 3 hours away at the age of 4 and with SEN? After reading lots of these posts, it sounds like no one else would worry?

@THisbackwithavengeance Such an odd comment. It has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting ds to love anyone else. I might be protective because of his age and needs but I am not possessive. There's a big difference.

I wouldn’t be ok with it OP. At that age, our kids wanted us, not anyone else, especially if they woke in the night. I’d have spent my time worrying that they were upset which they likely would have been. And the grandparents had very different views on raising kids to us. Some people like to say you have to leave them so they gain independence or whatever but I don’t believe that. My kids are much older now and it hasn’t affected them. They did things when they and we were ready. Regardless of anything else, you don’t have to do what others say. We did things our way because they’re our children. Do what you’re comfortable with and what you think is right for your child.

The river, alone, would put me off. Any open water source near by with an active little child that age. I would not be able to trust people this unreasonable to keep a permanent eye on him and ensure his safety with that alone.

Annoying bit of amateur psychology. The child is 4 years old of course that’s young to be engaged in a long journey and left there. The journey itself is taxing to all including the child. The in laws are acting selfishly by not taking no as the answer.

Absolutely!

@MorningMeditation @MadelineUsher

Thank you, I absolutely agree.

Perhaps MIL was just a very different kind if parent to me. In conversation once, I remember her saying, 'I couldn't wait for my children to stay over with family.'

I don't feel that way. Maybe things will be different when DCs are older but I'm judging it on the present.

I would probably give it a go sometime in the near future. I’d book a cheap Travelodge nearby just in case and spend the night there.

Then if it was a disaster she wouldn’t ask anymore.

and if it went well then you would get some time to yourself occasionally.

Win, win either way.

Parent of a SEN child here who is in the process of ASD assessment. I am totally with you 100%. You can never switch off and always have to be 10 steps ahead of him. I went to the toilet once and child managed to get out of the house despite door locked and key hidden!

Is MIL prepared to sit up all night when he doesn't sleep? How will she manage to cope with maybe 2 or 3 hours sleep? Even when she does sleep, does she realise she has to sleep with one eye and ear open? He cannot be unsupervised for one second. If she is home alone, she takes him to the loo with her etc.

Unless you live this life you cannot understand what it is like. As one parent to another, there is no way I would allow him to go alone.

Both sets of GP live similar distance from us. We stayed with them as a family from when DC were babies and vica versa roughly once every 3 months.

Then at 6 my eldest went to stay with each set for a few days in the summer holidays.

By doing this gradually and slowly we not only got ourselves and DC used to the journey and different house/bed, but also the GP got used to their routines, what to do in the night, difficult times etc.

I think you should make the effort to go there with your DC several times to see how it goes. Start by staying with them in the same house, then when you feel ready, you stay in a travel lodge nearby, and eventually if all goes ok you can build up to overnights on his own.

YANBU to decline jumping straight to overnight visit without the build up preparation outlined above

This is a really good group to help parents tackle Night Terrors - there are lots of things you can do to help the child. Have a look at some of the advice posted.
www.facebook.com/groups/714253875339715/?ref=share

Totally normal! I really can’t see why you are getting so much grief. There is no way I would want my child that far away, and never did. My DD was 7 when she stayed overnight with someone. Stick to your guns. Your child, your rules.

Not that I receive much pushback about my parenting, but any time I'm disagreed with, I simply say "my children, my rules - you had your turn, I turned out great, well done!" I am light-hearted but FIRM. Sometimes it helps to add "I hear what you're saying, but I didn't ask for your opinion." Also, you cannot sacrifice YOUR mental health, and suffer anxiety (not to mention regret if something DID happen because MIL isn't tuned in like you are to DC's needs) for someone else. Nope. Stand your ground, shrug and just keep saying no, I am not comfortable with that. And don't care what strangers on the internet OR family think - you have your mummy instinct and you are using it!!

I had this a bit with my MiL. We were invited to a big do over an hour away. The hosts had offered a babysitter who I had never met. I said my husband could go but I didn't want to/feel comfortable with that. My MiL said "you'll have to leave him at some point." He was just over 1 and my mum was terminally ill. I had moved away from my friends and was pretty much hating life. He was my only comfort. I wasn't about to leave him with a stranger. I was so upset. Your baby, your choices I say.