MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

YANBU - mines 7 & I still wouldn’t be happy with that.

would setting up a regular FaceTime work?

Stay firm. They chose to move away from their gc.

This is why the plans we had for years to move to our favourite part of the country are now on the scrap heap. My gorgeous grandchild got born and lives 5 mins away. I can’t imagine not seeing them regularly.

They chose to move. They must have known they'd see less of their gc as a result. Time to accept the consequences.

Can you all go and stay?

Just don’t entertain it. Every time “the answer is no” and leave it at that. No explanation necessary.

Suggest they come to you for the weekend if you can't travel to them?

Well that's how my parents feel and they're 5 mins away.

And BTW, our children haven't even stayed at my parents yet so why would we let them stay 3 hours away?!

Surely parents in law realised this would be the reality of moving?

@Runningslow We can but it won't be until next spring

It’s interesting that she’s prioritising the dog’s comfort over your son’s. Could they not bring him with them and put him in which kennels they used locally to you? What she means is, she doesn’t want to be three hours away from the dog in case he’s unhappy……..oh.

One day you may want to consider him sleeping away overnight, but that’s likely to be at a Beaver sleepover at the local scout camp or a friend around the corner, not three hours away! It’s your prerogative as a parent to decide when where and who, not hers.

Stick to your guns!

My 8 year old will just about stay at my mums and hour away now but at 5 no, and as far as I no he has no neuro diversity.

He did have no choice but to stay once in an emergency and she had a very hard time of it. So for the last couple of years she's come to us and stayed over. That's worked great, and DH and I have even had a night away so she's had them to herself (he has an elder sister too)

As for dog sitting she needs to persevere. It's taken me ages and lots of asking around but I finally found a kennels we're happy with after we moved last year.

Could she bring the dog? Or is that not feasible?

Why don't they bring the dog with them back to wherever they had him before? Assuming they lived near you before. Then they could still take the dog out for a walk. Or find a dog friendly cottage. You can then meet them for walks.

@gigirlmom21 mil said they will but can't find anyone to have their dog yet

@autumnboys I absolutely thought the same about the dog. Their originally dog sitter near us isn't well and can't do it anymore but there must be loads of others.

Mil is obviously protective over the dog but for some reason, can't understand us being the same over our child!

Have you tried saying "we'll let you know when we're ready"?

My MIL moved to another country which is a 5 hour flight from us. She already had 2GC and I was pregnant with our first when she moved. 16 years later she still complains about not seeing the GC. she's a dick. So is your MIL. Just keep saying no.

It's completely your call, stick to your guns. However, just for balance, many DC really get a lot out of spending extended time with grandparents. It's a different relationship to parents and can be very rewarding for them. My DC stay with ex inlaws 2 hours away for 3-4 nights a few times a year and have done since they were very little, after building it up gradually. They don't stay with my parents who live closer because we see them more frequently for shorter visits.

My grandparents lived 3 hours away. First time I went to stay with them without parents I was about 8. 4 is too young imo - especially for a child with SEND

What’s the relationship like between your son and his grandparents?

If they’ve been very close and hands on in the past I think it’s not unreasonable to consider letting him stay over, provided they have a good understanding of him and what he needs, including the possibility of him being upset in the night. It’s good to encourage kids to do things that may be challenging, if it’s something they want to do. And it’s good to encourage a relationship with supportive family members.

If they’re not close already then I’d agree, he’s definitely too young to stay there alone.

Its rude of her to keep bringing it up when you have said no.

Have you posted about the move a number of times previously and you're essentially punishing your in-laws for daring to move?

Why can’t they bring the dog?

Nope. Unfamiliar surroundings and routine for ADHD ASD small child is a no - for now circumstances might change in the longer future.

But I think you have to take a deep breath and brush this off. Nobody can force you. You are in charge.

Reassure that you'll visit in the spring and they can visit you as soon as they find arrangements for their dog. Otherwise Hide of rhino!

Ps don't tell her to leave dog with anyone - MN is full of outraged posters complaining about irresponsible dog owners. She'll work a plan out eventually.

Because most people don’t want a smelly mutt in their house.

How is she planning on getting him there, is she expecting you to do 2, 6 hour round trips?

I mean, I'd definitely be up for sending him and making her deal with a night terror so she knows she's being ridiculous, but that sounds like it would be really distressing for your DC so obviously wouldn't work!

Is she offering to do the round trip to get him and bring him back too? Long journey for them and him!

I don't understand the sleepover desperation I see on here so often! Surely a day trip is more fun, to do things when awake?

Oh bless him, he’s only 4. Staying so far away ( is she proposing you drive a 6 hr round trip to drop him off?!) would be difficult for any 4 year old.
She’ll have to make do with FaceTime.