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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants NY party in my home

269 replies

NYpartypooper · 22/11/2022 06:40

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

OP posts:
Mummieslncorporated · 22/11/2022 06:45

He can have as many parties as he wants in the house - once you have moved out.

Yanbu.

MangoBiscuit · 22/11/2022 06:48

He's being a dick. It's your childrens home, not some student digs with pissed idiots passing out on the sofa.

PorridgewithQuark · 22/11/2022 06:53

Where would your (small presumably if they have lots of toys to tidy) children be during his drunken singles party if he lives in a houseshare and parties in the children's home?

Original poster
NYpartypooper · 22/11/2022 06:59

@PorridgewithQuark That’s another issue I have with it all to be honest. I don’t want to stay in on NYs just me and the kids so would have normally gone to a friends. But now I feel like I have to stay in the ‘guard’ the house and in order to justify saying no :-s

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/11/2022 07:05

Tell him he can have it, don't tidy up, then call the police at about 9pm and report a disturbance. There'll almost certainly be drugs there.

janbebe · 22/11/2022 07:06

absolutely not.

Lockheart · 22/11/2022 07:12

Presumably if he's still paying for the house then it's at least partly his as well. And you were planning on spending NY elsewhere anyway. I don't think it's an atrocious request, but in the circumstances it's not exactly tactful. If he's the type who'd clean up after himself then I'd let him, but I certainly wouldn't be doing any pre-tidying or prepping!

Soontobe60 · 22/11/2022 07:17

No. No.
it’s your home, not his anymore. I would invite your friends round to your home, have your own party!

Chdjdn · 22/11/2022 07:20

That would be a no from me; part of me can see his point as he is contributing so the house is half his but it’s not a fair position to put you in when you are the one living there.

@girlmom21 that’s hardly a helpful suggestion to someone who presumably has children with this man

Hwory · 22/11/2022 07:26

I don’t think it’s very reasonable for you to be having him pay for half of the house and refuse to let him use it when you were going to be out anyway.

gogohmm · 22/11/2022 07:28

I'm torn because I did use my family home after moving out, it was still my house so whenever I needed to be in town I stopped there with my ex (in spare room) and on occasion my Dp stopped too, it's sold now but we kept the house until university finished. If it's half his then he does get use within reason. Could you move out before then? It's awkward but not unreasonable basically

Original poster
NYpartypooper · 22/11/2022 07:32

@Lockheart I agree, it wasn’t unreasonable of him to ask. He would do after-tidy but not a decent pre-tidy (that would enable me to find anything ever again!)

OP posts:
Smineusername · 22/11/2022 07:34

Can see why you broke up

amiold · 22/11/2022 07:38

Haha absolutely not. He's been seeing someone behind your back and your going to do him a favour by tidying the house and leaving for the night?

Don't go to friends. Have them at yours and explain that because it's the kids home you won't be uprooting them until you move.

Why can't one of his new friends host if they're properly single

Original poster
NYpartypooper · 22/11/2022 07:39

@gogohmm Im glad I’m getting replies on both sides. Staying in the spare room is the not the same as having a messy party though. I would like him to be able to have the party in the house, what im
mostly uncomfortable with is people I don’t know/don’t know very well drunk in my
home with all of my and my kids personal things. One of the relationship issues we’ve had, and a reason for the split is that he has been quite controlling over the house and finances (he would disagree) so that is affecting my judgement too. I would love to be able to move out before then, but I am in the process of buying a house and it won’t have completed by then. The other option is that I pack up all of our stuff ready to move by then, then I wouldn’t feel so precious about it if everything is in boxes. Not so nice for the kids though, and what if my house purchase falls through?

OP posts:
Venetiaparties · 22/11/2022 07:47

Absolutely not a chance in hell.

It is not fair on you
It is not fair on your children
It is not safe and viable with all of your personal things in the house with strangers marauding

It is a disgusting request to make.
Does this man have access to your children?
I can see why you have separated.

He can have his party later in the year when you have moved op - the answer should be an absolute no way.

Morestrangethings · 22/11/2022 07:48

Mummieslncorporated · 22/11/2022 06:45

He can have as many parties as he wants in the house - once you have moved out.

Yanbu.

Yep, my thoughts too.

MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 22/11/2022 07:53

I get why he asked but it’s an unusual situation this year - for both of you - and I think he needs to accept that. I think I’d feel very uncomfortable with lots of people I didn’t know in my house, so my instinct is to suggest you stay home and have friends round to justify it.

That said, if you were going to be away anyway, I could talk myself into thinking it would be a nice gesture, and the house is going to be his so would it be so terrible as long as you don’t feel forced/pressured.

Gawd, I could convince myself either decision is okay. I think you have to go with your gut. You certainly aren’t being awful to say no.

pinkdelight · 22/11/2022 07:54

I'm really surprised by all the "hell no" replies. The house is half his, OP has it all the time and it's his 40th on NY. For one night, when she was going out anyway, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, of course feelings are raw with the break-up and his girlfriend now, but why make things even more acrimonious for the sake of one night. He could presumably make your life difficult too if he wanted to and you're at the start of a very long road of co-parenting compromise. As long as he tidies up and he (not you) makes arrangements for the DC, I'd be more open to considering it.

HighlandCowbag · 22/11/2022 07:55

Just no.

The children live there, it's still Christmas time so new toys and stuff, it will be hanging over you while the kids are off school and enjoying their new toys, decorations up etc. Can you think of anything more depressing than coming home in 1st January to the aftermath of someone else's party in your home? He can wait til next year, or suggest he have it in his house share or his girlfriends place. Be a nice way to introduce her to his friends 😁.

MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 22/11/2022 07:56

Just read your update, I think if the house sake is progressing well that boxing up all your most precious things and creating a no-go room might be a good middle-point. And if you tell him that it’s also a nice logical response.

“Give me a few weeks to confirm, I need to know I’ll be able to pack up my personal things so I feel comfortable, and that depends on my house purchase progress.”

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2022 07:57

I actually think his request is reasonable, but only, only, if he does a proper pre and post clean. Since you won't be there anyway. I can imagine being in a house share on your 40th wouldn't feel nice.

Original poster
NYpartypooper · 22/11/2022 07:58

@Venetiaparties ”strangers marauding” that made me laugh! It’s like something I would say, but it would be an exaggeration of the truth!

Yes, he does have “access to the kids”. He is a professional grown-up (who likes to party) and a good Dad.

OP posts:
Morestrangethings · 22/11/2022 07:59

Hwory · 22/11/2022 07:26

I don’t think it’s very reasonable for you to be having him pay for half of the house and refuse to let him use it when you were going to be out anyway.

He's not paying for a venue to have a party. This Is his children’s home. That’s what he’s paying half for, imo. For a roof over his children’s heads.

From the children’s point of view, their parents are split, and they have to move to a new home. It should be done as calmly and as reassuringly as possible. That would not involve a NYE.

WollyMammothJumper · 22/11/2022 07:59

There's no way I'd allow a party at a house where all my (and my children's) possessions were if I wasn't there, especially if I didn't know any of the guests.

Nope, say no and then have a friend over so you aren't alone.