Ex wants NY party in my home

[NYpartypooper]

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

Ha!! That is quite the reverse in my experience. The Ex is in the midst of a full on mid life crisis and they are seriously some of the most messy parties I have ever been to.
The dying embers of party animals is not pretty sight.

The dance moves have given way to paunches and baldness, the wit has dried up and replaced with bad breath and relentless drunken monologues and after years of sleepless nights and parenting a night on the tiles feels like a good idea but the knees are just not up to it - and thats just the women! New gf is checking out someone else usually, someone with more hair, a better car and most of his own teeth.

OP No is a full sentence.

YANBU he sounds like a bellend. It’s a family home, not a pub. Tell him to rent somewhere.

Personally I think he's being a bit of a CF. I wouldn't let my partner have a loud rowdy party in our home and we live together! No way- he can GTF. Once he moves back in by himself without children living there, then he can do as he pleases. Best of luck with your house move, I hope it goes well for you.

@AtTheStream and @Venetiaparties Both your posts made me cry this morning. (They’re too long to quote, but they’re on page 10). Not in a bad way. It was what I needed to hear.

And @MrsDarcy1989x ”Think you dodged a bullet if I’m honest”. I didn’t though, did I?! But I am getting the hell out of Dodge!

Well, you could have been stuck with him forever! At least now you can move forward.

And @MrsDarcy1989x ”Think you dodged a bullet if I’m honest”. I didn’t though, did I?! But I am getting the hell out of Dodge!

Well, you could have been stuck with him forever! At least now you can move forward.

Yes I could and yes, yes I can!! :-D

@Gemstar2 “The issue for me though is he’s seeing this as a house, an asset, rather than your family home.”

Yes, very intuitive. This has been an on-going issue in our relationship. I can’t wait to buy my own place and buy whatever furniture/stuff I want!

If it were me and we were amicable still, I’d probably be honest with him and say that while I didn’t have a problem with it and I wanted to be reasonable, the kids are going through a lot during the holidays in particular and that I feel it wouldn’t be the best idea or the most sensitive thing to throw a party in their home considering the timing. Say you have concerns but are open to a conversation and see how he replies. If you’re concerned at his response, I’d offer to try to find something that works by discussing it together with someone you both trust or a professional present because you seem to imply he’s a good dad, and I’m sure you both want to find something that is healthy for your children.

@Aprilx ”My sister had a party in her house for her 50th. Nobody was drunk, nobody took drugs, nobody went upstairs to sleep in the beds. People chatted, had a bit to eat, then went home. Like most normal people once they are over the age of about 21.”

Aaah that’s nice. But, erm, it won’t be like that.

@mediumbrownmug Yes, I am
trying to avoid confrontation at all costs at this stage. We are amicable, but pretty close to the edge of not being and in my
new situation I’m going to be reliant on a reasonable amount of CM so I have to be cautious. I have been trying to think of other solutions eg moving out sooner and stay with my parents until my house completes, but that’s not fair on the kids. And then I had a word with myself - FFS you’re considering all that upheaval just so he can have a party and not throw his toys out the pram! So yeah, I’m not doing that!

I wouldn’t do it. Bet he and his partner sleep in your bed.

He can text his kids & invite them himself. I’d drop round a moning in gift to keep the peace, but use him as time off from your parenting.

You mention CM - so you are the resident parent, but you are moving out of the family home? I hope he is giving you a very significant buyout and that you have taken legal advice, OP.

I'll have a shag on your DC's bed shall I, and leave you to change the sheets? It's the principle, the kids live in that house, no one lives in a hotel. Stop being obtuse.

@BretonBlue ”I hope he is giving you a very significant buyout”, no he’s not. He is buying me out but for under market value. That’s another thing I’ve compromised on to keep the peace. Having read some of these messages though, including yours, I’ll ask my solicitor if she can give me some informal, non-confrontational back-up info I can show to him to help him be more reasonable.

To be honest, the party is the least of my issues! I’m deflecting! Kind of. I need the outcome of PartyGate to work in my favour long term.

Don't do it. I had a very similar situation. I let him use the house and I went out because I felt I didn't have a choice for all the reasons already put forward here.
I clearly couldn't relax for the entire time but then I started getting photo messages of him and his drunk friends messing with my house and belongings. Very juvenile petty stuff where they had clearly all egged each other on in their drunken states.
Point is, once you add alcohol and a bunch a people you don't know into the mix, you will feel violated one way or another and it will ultimately cause hostility between you, which is something you are already trying to avoid.

@Bioandstepmum Thank you. That’s a great point, by saying yes to avoid hostility, I could actually be facilitating a situation that just creates more hostility anyway and I’ll feel violated/like a mug in the process. Thanks I needed that pointed out. Ok. I’m am going to stick to my guns. Thank you.

You know he's a cheat, a liar and very self centred.

Why do you think you can rely on him for CM?

Is he self employed or employed? If it's the former he'll soon stop and you'll have little recourse.

Please think carefully about how trustworthy this man is before you make any more compromises.

This forum never fails to baffle me. I own the house my mother lives in but it isn't my home, and never would it even enter my mind that I might ask her to vacate for an evening so I could host a party there.

I'd be loathe to have someone in my private space who has form for being controlling. And absolutely no way in this world would I ever take a chance that he might be shagging his new girlfriend in my bed.