Ex wants NY party in my home

[NYpartypooper]

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

"stale beer and stranger’s sweat"

Why are they now all sweating and leaving stale beer lying around? After doing their drugs and trashing the house and marauding?

He's 40 ffs

Parties just stink, IMO!

Maybe I just have a more sensitive nose than some of the posters here?

agree, it wasn’t unreasonable of him to ask. He would do after-tidy but not a decent pre-tidy (that would enable me to find anything ever again!)

huh? why do you care about a pre-tidy? aside of putting away your own personal things, if you say "yes" (and if you're not going to be there and you trust him to tidy afterwards, why not?) it's up to him to get the place ready.

I get where he's coming from, he pays for a house that he can't use? I get where you're coming from, he doesn't live there. But meh. Awkward situation.

So far,, 406 people have voted, with 86% saying YANBU. That’s not reflected in the poster comments though.

Tbf i was more of a monday at the ritz and friday at rockworld kinda girl 🤣

I agree he shouldn’t have the party but you can’t say there will “almost certainly” be drugs there when you don’t know anything about this man and the OP hasn’t implied that he does that sort of thing. That’s not a fair assumption.

You know him, do you? It wouldn’t surprise me if he were withholding payment until the OP agrees to this party.

I can absolutely understand his point of view but at the moment it is your home not his. I presume he is moving in once you've moved out. That's when he can have his party.

You'll be in the process of moving out. There's no way I'd want a bunch of drunk people around all my half packed stuff. He can wait to have his singles bash.

I guess you dont know him either ?
And are just making shit up about him with holding payment about a random stranger you have never met ,the irony

I’m shocked he even asked you.

Maybe say no and offer to have the kids on the weekend he wants his housewarming?

I'm hoping that's a joke because if not, it might be the dumbest idea I've heard in a while.

I hear you, with the odd night at 42nd Street thrown in for good measure...I miss those days!

Never a drug passed my lips and I'm almost 50 too

It’s no longer his home. It’s an asset to which he is contributing (and may become his home again if he beeps it once you move out), but at the moment it is the home of his ex and his children. Inappropriate for him to expect to hold a party.

Meh. My dad continued paying the mortgage on my the house after he moved out until it was paid off. Took 15 years. He wanted us to inherit our family home. He wanted us kids to have a roof over our heads. Some people don't actually mind...

Aw they were the best ,manchester had something for everyone in the 90,s!

It’s his house too.

First of all he’s an insensitive knob. Sleeping with his new girlfriend in your bed, really?

Second of all, might be his home too but I wouldn’t want drunk and drug using friends of his in my home around my and my children’s stuff. Tell him no, if he lets himself in and throws a party, I would walk in half way trough the night and kick everyone out, starting with the woman he was shagging when you were still together. He can stay, alone. Nobody else has the right to be there, if they refuse to leave I’d be happy to call the police on them. Trust me, if they don’t leave by themselves already then at least you have thoroughly destroyed the party. But he’s a cheeky fucker so that would be exactly what he deserves.

This.

It may no longer be his home, but it is his house.

Do NOT allow this, it sounds like there could be drugs. God only knows if pills or something could be left somewhere your tiny children could come across them. You would have no peace of mind & have to tidy everything & clean & gut it all for peace.

And that's before I get onto the girlfriend and your bed 🤮

"invade his children's home" - you don't have friends do you? A parent having friends come over is not invading their children's home. Why does everyone on this site have to be so bloody dramatic. Would you say the same if the OP wanted to have some friends over to celebrate NYE?

It's his home too. There is nothing to stop him moving back in full-time anyway and perhaps he should if you are going to be this awkward. Giving you were planning to be out anyway it seems like you are just wanting to spoil nye for everyone. He hasn't actually asked you to do the cleaning so you can't hide behind that as a reason. And unless there is some horrible backstory there's no reason to think he will do drugs and trash the place (why would he trash the house he's about to move back into?)

Ffs ,why wpuld a reasonable adult let themselves in and have a party behind the Op,s back if she doesnt agree to it ?

Hi OP,
Personally I would want to say no. I would want to say that you understand it is a special occasion but you have a lot going on and it's too much. You are trying to vacate the house - and in 2 or 3 months you expect your purchase to have gone through and to have moved out. He will then be able to have parties no problem but this year, while you still live there is too much.

There is plenty of other things he could do to celebrate his birthday.

A bunch of pissed up (best case) single men partying all night with my children's toys and our precious things - with said children having to go back to the aftermath is extremely poor form.

He can party elsewhere until you have left op. Nice and simple.
He sounds like a total dick, you are well shot of him that is the silver lining. He sounds like a man child and one that has no standards.