Ex wants NY party in my home

[NYpartypooper]

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

100000% YANBU. Tell him to get stuffed! With his child living in that house, I am surprised he even suggested it tbh. I would not feel comfortable at all having my ex throwing parties and screwing around with his new girlfriend in my safe zone home. He's a grown man, tell him to use his new girlfriends house or take his party crew somewhere else. Put your foot down OP, don't let him take the piss with you.

YANBU at all. Cheese and wine. Yes. A bunch of single men and possibly single women all out to have a good time, no way.

He IS being unreasonable.

he has left you and children in the family home. LEFT. Not nipped out.

it is your home and he lives elsewhere. Just because it used to be his home doesn’t give him an entitlement to use it as a venue. Would he ask this of your new house? Same principle applies !!

@Allthenamesaretaken0 “he has to continue with his life on hold”. His life is hardly on hold, quite the opposite!

Well, by yesterday afternoon I was thinking I’d say yes if he agreed to a lock on DCs bedrooms. But this morning I literally feel queasy at the thought of it all, especially how he and his new gf would feel comfortable partying in what was so recently his family home, and still my home. It’s just all weird and I don’t feel comfortable with it at all. I just feel sick.

When he moved out in the summer he said it was a ms a trail to see if having a break from each other would help us work things out. Bollocks. He’s now seeing the woman he had a ‘sleepover’ with while he was still living here.

Just because he has a financial interest in the house it doesn't mean he can use it whenever and however he likes. Think what that would mean for landlords and tenants! It is not currently his home so he can't assume he has the right to use it as though it is. Only agree if you are actually happy to.

He doesn’t know that I know about the gf.

So I can’t use that as a resin when I say no to the party because then that would open up THAT can of worms.

• reason

I can see why he’s asking and it’s not entirely unreasonable to ask. The issue for me though is he’s seeing this as a house, an asset, rather than your family home. Sure, he owns half of it, but you and your joint DC live there and he chose to move out…I think he’s ignoring the practicalities a bit by just looking at it on paper as half his house. Is he really happy asking his own DC to move out for a couple of days so he can party? Seems a bit immature to me.

I think you have two options that keep you looking reasonable and wiling to compromise: 1) box up your precious stuff, leave it in your bedroom (so he can’t use it with new gf), install a lock and explain to him that room is a no go for the party goers so you can keep your belongings safe from drunken accidents.

2. invite friends round and say sorry, you already had plans, but suggest he has a belated party once you’ve already moved out?

If you do let him have the party, agree the terms in advance about the pre- and post-tidying and also insist he does pay his half for this month after all.

Op you are talking about going yourself and looking 'smoking hot' for a guy that has left you for someone else, intends to bring her to your house for a big party before you have even moved out, and the fact you are even considering letting this knob do this to your kids, makes me want to scream get some therapy!

You have no boundaries, no sense of the sheer injustice and dreadful treatment of you and your kids. Start putting your needs first, it does not matter what he wants! You have agreed a move out date for the new year, he simply needs reminding of that agreement and he can have all the parties he likes after that. End of.

You don't need to feel sick at the thought.

He has very badly misled and lied to you, keeping you on standby until he decide whether he liked his new single life, and you have been sitting their waiting on a trial separation that has turned out to be anything but. He is playing so many games with you, and you are seem oblivious. Almost dancing to his tune!

Have you taken legal advice regarding moving out?
Have you divided the assets?

Stop thinking about his silly parties, or your parties and looking smoking, and start really understanding what he is doing to you and your family right now, and sharpen up. He is taking you for a fool.

Eh, is he having a laugh? 😂 he’s not paying towards the house so he can party in it. He’s paying so there is a roof over his childrens heads. OP tell him to p*ss off and grow up. Sounds like a plonker. Once you’ve moved out he can party to his hearts content. Think you dodged a bullet no if I’m honest.

YANBU saying no
Hes moving back in - he can party all he likes once you move out
You don’t have to put up with strangers in your house, looking at all your belongings and possibly damaging them. You also can’t risk assess and they may leave behind things they shouldn’t or you wouldn’t want your children in proximity to
I also really wouldn’t want the new girlfriend gaining access to see my life and belongings before we’d even met
It would all feel like a huge violation to me.
He’s got plenty of NYE options available- like a pub?! - to party in so he doesn’t need to use your shared home if you’re uncomfortable with it and you deserve some respect and understanding on his part in that regard.
I get he pays half for it, which is good, but he’s gaining the house in the end, ultimately and you and the kids will be forced to leave the family home and live somewhere cheaper.
May I also say I think you are being hugely fair mature and reasonable about your ex partner. I hope he treats you in the same way!

Hope you are getting legal advice so you and the dc’s won’t be screwed over in all of this.

Also do put a claim in for cma.

Habe your own NYE party in your own home as a way to say bye to a crappy year and welcoming in a new wonderful one.

It's yours and the kids home, he moved out. He's paying towards his children's home not so he can turf you all out for a night when he wants a party. He can party all he likes when you've moved out.

It’s just all weird and I don’t feel comfortable with it at all. I just feel sick.

Then there is your answer. Just a no, I don't feel comfortable with it will suffice and suggest he has a belated party when he has moved back in.

I understand why you don't want to bring up the gf right now. However you could give a small indication that you know, that does not directly tell him you know. Just to make him sweat a little.
Maybe a 'It just feels so weird with it so recently being your family home and me and Dc still living here, for you to be having, well, sleepovers with your friend. I mean friends.'

Just say no. End of discussion. It is the home his kids live in and he needs to respect that. He can throw himself all the parties he wants when you and the kids are gone. He is a twat.

I agree with all of this. I wouldn’t cut off my nose to spite my face, tbh. You’re going out anyway- and realistically what harm do a load of 40 yr olds do after a few drinks? It’s not the same as the type of house parties you’d have had as a 20yr old.

The house is half his, he is entitled to have people round. Everything else is just feelings.

No way! He can wait until you move out (in Jan?)
surely he can go out and celebrate on NY and have as many parties as he wants when he moves in!
imagine cleaning up afterwards - nope!!

It's a family home, not a student house. YANBU.

The people saying it's fine - presumably you wouldn't care if drunk adults shagged on your DC's bed?? Because that's possibly what will happen.

If the bed is changed, what actual difference would it make? The DCs aren't going to catch anything from sleeping on a bed with fresh linen because someone had sex on that bed at a previous point in time.

If you think it's that horrifying then I have some bad news for you about holiday accommodation.

It’s the blokes 40th. Everyone of this age that I know already have their own houses, it’s not like they’re not horned up teenagers still living at home who grab the chance for a quickie anywhere they can…

Parties in your 30/40s aren’t quite the same affair as student digs parties.

@Womanconflicted the op said he's got a new bunch of single friends and a new girlfriend.