Ex wants NY party in my home

[NYpartypooper]

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

I'm with you op. When you and your kids are still in the house it's a big nono and if he says ''he's paying the mortgage'', eh no he's paying to put a roof over his kids heads.

No I wouldn't allow it. I'd say, no i don't feel comfortable being at your party with your friends and new girlfriend. Don't feel bad though.

I don't really know how you could stop him.

"I'll be there as will the kids" He'll probably not want to do it then.

Him having a bunch of party lovers for a NY party could mean lots of randomers in your house not giving a damn.

Even a bunch of non knobs, if the crowd is large enough can cause a heck of a mess.

What prevents them from telling others about the party in the free gaff?

Let him rent a place but there is no way I would risk it.

Can you host your friends at your house?

He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party

This one line says it all
They are not civilised gentleman arriving in black tie for a glass of champagne and dinner served at 8pm, these are a new bunch of party animals op's ex has picked up and like to PARTY! Read it.

What kind of man would even ask the question knowing children live there.
It is very sad he thinks so little of them.

"It's his house too" doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

But the OP can do whatever she wants there whenever she wants. And he doesn't want to do whatever/whenever. He wants to do one thing on one night.

It's his house and they're his kids just as much as OPs. Sure it's her home now not his, because he's moved out into a house share, which was reasonable of him and accommodating to OP and DCs. I think people are being OTT about this. But it sounds like OP will have her way and he'll have to suck it up, which is fine. Only she really knows the checks and balances of their relationship. But objectively I still don't think he's BU to want his 40th in his house on NYE.

to people saying he pays on the morgage, my landlord pays the morgage but he can't come in my home and have a new years eve party regardless of if I am there or not.

Its his house but its NOT his home, theres a difference and just because you own it doesnt mean you can claim access for whatever you want.

Well it is a shame that he can't have everything he wants. Poor diddums will have to think of something else.

Its his house but its NOT his home, theres a difference and just because you own it doesnt mean you can claim access for whatever you want.

He can though (if he was minded to), because he's not the landlord. So that's irrelevant really.

But hes not the landlord though .

It’s his house too. He could have insisted upon living there himself (with you OP) until it was sold. But no he has gone and has reasonably continued to cover bills. As OP is not only planning to go out that night, but will be moving out completely shortly thereafter, I really don’t see why he can’t use the house for one night.

I am baffled as to why so many are assuming that a party means drugs, excessive drinking, trashed house and broken toys.

Not really the point but any adult, throwing themselves a birthday party, is very weird IMO.

Additionally, absolutely no could he have a party in my childrens home. Not sure if that is unreasonable or not but absolutely no.

I would love to see you do this then explain to the police when they show up that you can decide to have your party in this house that you dont live in just because your on the morgage.

Thats not how this works.

Well he has missed a month’s payment - how do you know he will continue paying for next month.

will he pay for a professional clean post party?

I'm sure he will. And hope he and OP can be more mature about it all than you.

Because thats usually what a party is and OP has even said thats what the people attending are like.

Why would you assume you know better than her and its going to be some high class dinner party?

You're not hogging the house, you’re moving out at the earliest opportunity which is all he can reasonably expect. But while it’s still your children’s family home for now, he can’t demand you all vacate it to use as a party venue. You have no choice of where to live on that specific day, he has plenty of other dates and venues available for a party though.

As you’re leaving in January anyway I’d say he’ll need to postpone the party til after his actual birthday. It’s not that long to wait. It’s not only about the property itself either, it’s all yours and your children’s belongings within it.

I was thinking exactly the same!

Why does having a party at your house mean you think little of your children.

Agree about landlords. He may own some or all of the house but OP and his kids are living in it.

Except that's exactly how it works. If the OP called the police they would do nothing. Her ex isn't a landlord. There is nothing legally stopping him from moving back into that house today. She would need to go to court and get an occupation order to stop it - and if there was no abuse that would be unlikely to happen
It would be really nice if posters didn't just make shit up.

No idea what planet you're on. I'm talking about the people on Earth that OP has described. He's asked. There's no suggestion he'd force it and then the OP would call the police and then this would happen. I was just pointing out that she's not a tenant, he's not a landlord, there's no contract about access in that way, and as people always say on here in marital home situations (excluding DV/crimes), you can't lock the ex out/change the locks because they've legally the same right to be there as you.

She said it was people she mainly doesn’t know.