Ex wants NY party in my home

[NYpartypooper]

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

Not the same as they wouldnt own half the house ,but the ex does

Shame you're not invited to the party, you sound like so much fun

They were going out anyway .

It may be his house but it's no longer his home, he doesn't live there, it's the OP and her DCs home. Would you recommend those renting properties clear out for the evening so their landlord can have a party? 🙄

No. "It's his house too" doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. A drunken party full of people OP doesn't know is not a reasonable request.

I hope you have had decent legal advice on your divorce OP.

Why wouldn't he have access to his children?. He is their father. They don't belong to mum.

"a reason for the split is that he has been quite controlling over the house and finances"

One last swing at control!

He is a cheeky fucker of the highest order, irrelevant he still paying the mortgage. When he is back living in the former matrimonial home he can have all the drunken parties he likes, with his new friends. You and your children have the right to enjoy peace in your own home he is being disrespectful towards you and the children by asking. It will be a hell of a mess Drunk people have no boundaries fuck that.

Not many have parties in homes they do not live in though. Also having his girlfriend in his kids family home is a horrible thought.

Because its his house too?

If you want to go away for NY then let him use the house BUT have a lock fitted to your bedroom door, box up your things and put them in the bedroom so that they are safe. Bonus: No rumpy-pumpy in your bed.
Absolutely non-negotiable is that he pays for cleaners to come in afterwards and replaces any breakages.

I realised after I shouldn’t have used the deposit. Instead I should have used LL’s as an equal example. They own the house after all. Tenants are just paying to stay there like technically the op is contributing to the mortgage to stay there until she moves.

He does not live there though.

He likes to party. For some this is code for doing drugs like coke, ket, E’s/mdma.

The Op apoears to be being far more reasonable than most posters ...

Just the thought of bringing my kids back to a house that smells of stale beer and stranger’s sweat is enough to make me
gip. Even if he cleans up well visually the odour will hang around for ages.

He can have his house party as soon as you’ve gone. He can have one every other weekend if he likes (depending on your kids schedule, obvs).

He ,s forty ,,why do posters keep making up scenarios ?

For lots of 40 somethings the appeal of a house party (as opposed to a night in a bar) is being able to openly take the drugs associated with the parties of your youth!

But it’s all context-specific, so it depends on the actual people.
I live in Manchester and am almost 50 and I know a hell of a lot of people who absolutely chomp at the bit for a weekend of MDMA and dancing to a 30-35 year old tunes. Albeit only 4 times a year max (they can’t cope with more than a quarterly comedown!)

Yes thank you for listing random drugs.

You do realise that some people can even party completely sober? If the only party you can imagine is a drug fuelled party then that's either based on the types of parties you've been to or something you've seen on TV.

As you're planning to go out with the children anyway, @NYpartypooper, I would say yes. Divorcing with children in the mix is no fun, and the more obliging you and your ex husband can be towards one another, the better it will be for the children (even if you actually hate his guts).

I don't think you suggested that he'll be doing drugs, whatever PP seem to have made up. I would tell him to move the children's toys and let him crack on with it on the basis that he clears up any mess afterwards.

BTW, I'm 50 and love a good party. I have never even looked at a drug stronger than paracetamol in my life, so people really are inventing scenarios here.

Im also nearly 50 and live in greater manchester and never done MDMA in my life ,there is an awful lot extrapolating on this thread

Yes you can't trust single people to not take drugs and smash up kids toys while attending a middle aged man's birthday party.

Why not tell him he has to hire a pre and post cleaner and let him have it if you weren't planning to he there anyway. It's still his house too. Sounds like he is complete jerk, but it's a one-off for his 40th. Lock your bedroom door if you don't want anyone using the bedroom.

Like I said, it’s context specific and depends on the people.

OP will likely have a good idea if her ex is wanting to relive Thursdays at the Hacienda or if he’s more of a wine and cheese guy.

Stale next-day booze still stinks though.

And make sure he cleans the toilet thoroughly too!