Ex wants NY party in my home

[NYpartypooper]

Me and my ex separated in the summer and he moved out into a house share. I’ve stayed (temporarily) in family home with DC but can’t afford to live here so am in the process of moving out (as soon as I can) but that won’t happen until January. He earns way more than me so can afford to keep on the house. Ex is still paying his share of mortgage and bills (well, he hasn’t this month but that’s the arrangement anyway!).

It’s his 40th on New Year’s eve and he’s asked to have a party in the family home. I have said no because I don’t think it’s appropriate.

My reasoning (in no particular order): It would be me doing all the pre-tidying (DC have a lot of toys!!). He’s got a new bunch of single friends who like to party - I used to partake in all that, but I don’t want it going on in my and DCs house when I’m not there. He’s got a new girlfriend (he doesn’t know that I know) (who incidentally he f%$@ed while he was still living with me), so when I said “I assume I’m not invited” he said “oh, erm, yeah you can come”… so how’s THAT going to work out?! I feel like it’ll be a bunch of strangers (I do know some of them) getting wasted in my house (and where are him and his gf going to sleep, in my bed?!?!) which I’m not comfortable with.

His reasoning: He’s still contributing to the house so he should be able to use it too. His words: I am ‘hogging’ the house.

AIBU to say no to the party?

He's been shagging someone else but expects op to tidy the house and move out so he can have a party. Loads of unknown people milling around his kids stuff and god knows who sleeping in her bed. He's making it more acrimonious by even asking.
She is moving out so he can have as many parties as he wants when he buys her out and she does so

I can see why you'd be against this, i don't think you're being unreasonable to say no, but legally its his house to so you can't actually stop him if he insists. Unless the house is likely to be trashed or damaged, it might be a good idea to find a way to meet in the middle. Like you stay with a friend and let him do it on the basis he cleans before, not you, and cleans or pays for a professional clean after. It might be well worth your while to compromise now and keep things as amicable.

He might be paying towards the house (well apart from this month) but he doesn’t live there at the moment so it’s not his home.

Would people be so accommodating if for example your parents paid the huge deposit and wanted to have a party in your home?

No. Very unreasonable request regardless that he still pays his share. He no longer lives there, the house is being sold and there are children to think about. Just no.

If he earns well, he can easily find a place to party.

Well I'd probably say yes, but with clear conditions:
He does a pre-tidy to put your and the children's valuables away.
No-one is allowed in yours or the kids' rooms - in fact, he can fit locks and you can lock them before you leave.
He pays for you and the DCs to have a couple of nights in a hotel, to allow professional cleaners to come in on the 2nd to clear up.

Basically, you don't lift a finger, the things you care about are put away, and the house is viewing ready when he hands it back.

I think YABU, he pays his fair share it's his house as much as yours. He's letting you live in it and still paying his share of all the bills. He's asking for 1 night for his 40th. You usually go out but are spiting yourself now to stay in so he can't do what he wants there. You're leaving anyway in January. I honestly don't see the issue.

He’s mental. He wants to kick his kids out on NYE so he can get pissed and high with his new single mates and new girlfriend around his kids’ toys? No.

@MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj Thanks. Your posts really resonate. I know I’m not being unreasonable but I also don’t think he’s being unreasonable either - hence me posting on here. Like you said, it’s new territory for us both and getting used to the new set up and all the negotiation and compromise that goes with it!

He’s not paid this month if you read the post.

It’s his 40th, he earns well, he can spend some money on arranging his own birthday, not invading his children’s home and kicking them out so he can get wasted with his new mates.

I did read the post thanks. I'm sure he will pay his share like he has every other month.

If you go out on NYE would you be going home to sleep? If you would then it's absolutely reasonable to say no to a party which forces you & the DC to stay elsewhere. If you were planning on staying elsewhere anyway I would probably put locks on the DC & your bedroom doors so no one can access and tell Ex the house has to be cleaned and suitable for family living at 10am on New Years Day - he can either do a full clean up himself or pay for cleaners to come and do it for him. You do not want to be packing up yours/DC belongings over NY just so he can have a party. I guarantee if you were still together he wouldn't think that was reasonable and wouldn't want to have to do it.

Why is it on here that any adults who want a party are assumed to be doing drugs or trashing the house?
I love a party. We were at one for our friend a couple of months ago and we all brought the kids. Worst thing DS saw was mammy with a wine glass in her hand. Funnily enough as an adult i am able to control myself. No drugs. No house trashing. Even once we left and the hosts kids had gone to bed, he stayed up drinking with a few other lads and managed to not destroy his kids toys or the home.

OP, do you really think he thinks that little of his children that he'll destroy their toys or allow his mates to?

Just tell him that bedrooms are out of bounds as that's where you'll put the kids toys and you'll be in your own bed when you get back (doesn't matter if this is true or not). Tell him to bring an inflatable mattress and he and gf can kip in the living room and are out by 10am.

Do none of you have parties? Why would he be doing drugs and trashing the house?

This!!
You're willing to take his money to fund you living there so I don't think that using the house for one night on his birthday when you're not going to be there anyway is a particularly big ask! It sounds like you'd be screwed without his financial contribution to the property so perhaps you could help him out in return.

Why does he have to have a party at home anyway? Can't he arrange something for his 40th in a local football club function room or something?

It does seem controlling and only you would know just how that would feel. I would suggest to him that he is free to have as many parties as he chooses in the house, but only when you have moved out.

I also think that the fact he's putting you in this position with such a short timeframe for him to organise anything else is wrong. He should have tried to find an alternative venue for this. He really should.

It's a fortieth birthday. Not a 18th. I'm pretty sure if he's a good parent that he won't be letting the place get trashed or drugs lying around.

But appreciate it's difficult. Ground rules need to be agreed.

I think I would, but I agree with PP that I would expect him to put locks on the bedroom doors (and take them off again before the kids got home) but as long as he keeps up your agreement and his share of the mortgage and bills were paid

Absolutely no way should he be allowed bring a load of people over to invade his childrens home for a bloody piss up. Tell him to book a venue somewhere for him and his pals like a normal human. Seriously taking the mick.

If you do do it, then box up all your personal possessions. I would only do it if it would benefit future relations with ex, so that dd indirectly benefits.

It would be a no from me. Yes it’s half his and yes he pays half the mortgage-and will therefore get half the equity but it is not his home right now; it’s yours. He can hire a venue if he wants to party. Where is he going to sleep? Your bed? And will he still be there when you get home the next day with the house a mess? Nope. 👎

Why though, I'm sure many, many, many people have parties at home on NYE with kids in the house and alcohol being consumed. Should those be banned too?

If it's going to be his 40th, and it will be his home in january, and IF you two had a reasonable relationship then I'd be tempted to agree to it. I would have some stipulations: I'd want cleaners in either side that he arranged and paid for, and some agreement about my own NY and the children. I'd want to stay in comfy accommodation somewhere and that's going to be pretty last minute to find.

The only reason you are ‘hogging’ the house is because it’s the family home and you are the parent with residency for the kids!

He can have his house party when you move out and his reoccupancy begins. Until then he rent an upstair’s function room in a bar or a hall or whatever.

You’re sure are you? That’s ok then.

My gut would be no, simply because of the potential to be messy and you are left with it.

Whilst you might go for it now, come the time it will be real pressure on you to get organised.

As you are resident parent I just wouldn't be doing that.

Perhaps I am biased but parties with strangers can be very messy and the amount of times that I have heard of real drunken messes is not funny.

Will he really be cleaning up the mess, possible vomit etc on the first with a stonking hangover?

I wouldn't risk it.

I would say that you and your children will be at home.