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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School keeps asking for parents to join in in the middle of the working day?!

372 replies

artline200 · 21/11/2022 12:16

I am new to the whole school emails thing, but my son has started at a pre-school attached to a new infants school. Teaching is great, we love it. But they are asking for a lot of parent participation, which I feel quite trapped by. It will be a friendly request, such as come in at 2pm to celebrate the children’s achievements in the mini marathon. To attend I would need to take time off work to go. And if i don’t go will my son be sad that he’s one of the only kids without a parent there? It breaks my heart to think that.

The latest email, which has really wound me up, is an invitation for parents to join children at 12pm for christmas lunch. I have to pay for a lunch I don’t want, and take time off work to be there. And on top of this if my child would like to see Santa and receive a gift I need to pay £6. This isn't exactly optional as I can’t be the only mum who doesn’t join for Christmas dinner and doesn’t buy my kid a ticket to see Santa. Imagine how he would feel, for a teacher to tell him, no your mummy can;t come.

Am being I unreasonable to think that these kinds of things should be on a Saturday and legitimately be optional, rather than in the school days when many parents are working? or at least kept to a minimun and dates sent out at the start of term?! It creates such an unfair divide for children and puts so much pressure on working parents who already have to take time out for school holidays, inset days and sicknesses.

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamus · 21/11/2022 12:17

Why are you assuming that you would be the only parent not there? Surely lots won’t be able to go?

WaddleAway · 21/11/2022 12:18

Who would staff them if they were on a Saturday? Teachers are only paid Monday to Friday.
The reason they’re in working hours is because that’s when schools are open.
I work, and have 2 children in primary school and 1 in pre school. I can go to some events, I can’t go to some others. Sometimes DH goes. Sometimes no one does. Same with most of the kids, sometimes they have parents there and sometimes they don’t, depending on working hours etc.

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 21/11/2022 12:19

If I had a request like this I wouldn’t be able to go as I’m a teacher and we can’t take annual leave. There will be other parents that can’t go.

princesssparklepants · 21/11/2022 12:19

You won't be the only one, honestly you won't.

I attend what I can as does DH but there has been occasions we haven't been able to. We just explain to DD that we have to work. She's usually upset at the thought we won't be there but is normal fine when the time comes.

It is rubbish that there doesn't appear to be much thought for working parents..... but I also don't think the extra stuff should stop just because not everyone can make it....

Tdcp · 21/11/2022 12:20

You won't be the only parent not there, attendance for my school is usually under the 50% mark. It's a shame if you can't make it but as a working parent there's only so much you can do! I have to miss a lot of DD's school events which is heart breaking but it'd be worse not having food on the table.

sarahc336 · 21/11/2022 12:20

Don't worry there will be loads that don't go. Also the money is to raise money for the school as most schools struggle with their allocated budget so expect plenty of things like this asking for money.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/11/2022 12:22

They should tell you at the beginning of the term (or year). I also think things like Christmas lunch - emotional sort of things - are unfair to put on parents. Missing a child's Christmas lunch could make the child really sad, whereas missing a cake sale / harvest festival assembly might not.

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 21/11/2022 12:23

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself to attend. Many parents won't be able to go but you're convincing yourself it's just you. Tell your child in advance what event will be happening, that some children will have their parents there and why you can't go. Tell your child an alternative special thing you can do together on the Saturday or Sunday, or after school hours. E.g. trip to the park and hot chocolate.

I'm a teacher and won't be able to go to anything my DCs do as schools don't award time off for things like this, even if I requested it unpaid. Many people will be in the same boat where their time off is saved for school holidays for example.

DappledThings · 21/11/2022 12:23

YANBU. It's horrible feeling like you are the only one not there but you won't be the only one. I missed the harvest festival singing in church, sports day and a workshop on how to use their online platform.

It's annoying but otherwise they would have to just not invite parents in to anything

Frenchcroissant · 21/11/2022 12:23

YABU thinking that you are the only working parent in the whole school...

AriettyHomily · 21/11/2022 12:25

You won't be the only one not there. You won't be the only working parent.

Simonjt · 21/11/2022 12:25

You really won’t be the only one not there, I went to one this year and there were four other parents in a class of 27 children.

Waterlooville · 21/11/2022 12:29

Could you ask another parent to look out for your son? I have done this for absent parents and have asked other parents to look after mine.

I've also been lucky enough to be able to send grandparents and aunties and uncles at times.

JudgeJ · 21/11/2022 12:30

I also think things like Christmas lunch - emotional sort of things

What on earth's 'emotional' about a Christmas dinner? Having worked all my career as a teacher the only time I ever saw any school event was when I worked in the same school for a term otherwise I missed all their sports days, plays, concerts even GCSE award giving if it was during the day, unlike many posters who complain we couldn't take 'annual leave' time to suit us. When I asked for time off for my daughter's graduation it wasn't an easy conversation.

DappledThings · 21/11/2022 12:32

What on earth's 'emotional' about a Christmas dinner?
Yeah, I don't get that either!

Lcb123 · 21/11/2022 12:34

Surely most of the parents are working, that's why their kid is at nursery? The nursery are only asking, it's not mandatory. It would impossible to do on a Saturday, think how much extra you'd have to pay to get all the staff in.

TeaStory · 21/11/2022 12:36

YABU. School events happen in school hours. Do you work for free at weekends, on top of a long and stressful working week? If not, why would you expect school staff to? Also, I bet if events were run on Saturdays then plenty of parents would be complaining that it was encroaching on family time.

You won’t be the only parent who can’t attend. There are lots of different family setups and working patterns, it’s just the way it is that yours isn’t compatible with attending every school event.

Taking time off for holidays, inset days and sickness just goes with the territory of being a parent.

Womencanlift · 21/11/2022 12:37

YABU to think that schools should run activities at the weekend. Teachers need a rest too OP.

You will not be the only parent missing it and I am sure many parents at your school are rolling their eyes at all these requests

YANBU to feel sad about missing out but that’s just what happens when you are a working mum. It’s just life for a lot people

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/11/2022 12:37

YABU to think they should be ok Saturdays or outside of the teachers' working hours but YANBU to be disappointed that you can't attend. As a single working mum I missed a fair few things but you learn to pick what's the most important and take time off for that. Also you'll make friends with other parents who will take yours to after school events etc to help you out.

girlmom21 · 21/11/2022 12:38

He's old enough to understand when he's at school mommy's at work earning money so he can have nice things.

Are you a lone parent?

TheHumanSatsuma · 21/11/2022 12:40

You won’t be the only one. I was a teacher and hardly ever got to join in with my children’s school events. My husband sometimes did if he was able to but worked away a lot. Invitations are sent out en masee, some parents are able to attend, lots aren’t.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/11/2022 12:40

You won't be the only one that's not working and I bet a lot of the SAHMs will have younger ones they won't be able to bring so won't attend either.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 21/11/2022 12:42

I can assure you that not every parent will be there, can a grandparent not go instead? That's what I did when mine were at school.

latetothefisting · 21/11/2022 12:44

I agree that you are assuming most parents will be there when that's not the case. However the £6 for santa thing does seem really mean, if it ends up with some of the kids having presents and some not.

YWNBU to contact the school and suggest they give parents more notice whenever possible - presumably if the reasons for doing these things is to raise money/encourage parents to be involved they want as many people to attend as possible so (although it should be flipping obvious!) a nicely written email making clear that advance notice would help might achieve something. YABVVVU to suggest that teachers and other staff also work saturdays to enable to you to attend though!

skgnome · 21/11/2022 12:46

that’s school for you
your kid won’t be the only one without a grownup around and the teachers know how to kindly explain to kids why some parents are not able to be there (some are parents and cannot go to their children’s events)
my (now in high school) DD even tells me “mum you have been to a lot of events, I know you’re working don’t worry about this one” - she now picks which ones she really wants a parent and which ones she’s not bothered about