School keeps asking for parents to join in in the middle of the working day?!

[artline200]

I am new to the whole school emails thing, but my son has started at a pre-school attached to a new infants school. Teaching is great, we love it. But they are asking for a lot of parent participation, which I feel quite trapped by. It will be a friendly request, such as come in at 2pm to celebrate the children’s achievements in the mini marathon. To attend I would need to take time off work to go. And if i don’t go will my son be sad that he’s one of the only kids without a parent there? It breaks my heart to think that.

The latest email, which has really wound me up, is an invitation for parents to join children at 12pm for christmas lunch. I have to pay for a lunch I don’t want, and take time off work to be there. And on top of this if my child would like to see Santa and receive a gift I need to pay £6. This isn't exactly optional as I can’t be the only mum who doesn’t join for Christmas dinner and doesn’t buy my kid a ticket to see Santa. Imagine how he would feel, for a teacher to tell him, no your mummy can;t come.

Am being I unreasonable to think that these kinds of things should be on a Saturday and legitimately be optional, rather than in the school days when many parents are working? or at least kept to a minimun and dates sent out at the start of term?! It creates such an unfair divide for children and puts so much pressure on working parents who already have to take time out for school holidays, inset days and sicknesses.

I'm trying to think when my Mum came to primary school other than sports day, parent teacher evening and plays/concerts (mid 70s to early 80s). I don't think did.

The Santa thing seems odd as not all children will celebrate Christmas plus fact some can’t afford to pay. Santa was done at Christmas fayre (optional)
If you want to be more involved but day time is an issue then when they are a little older you could volunteer at a club they do eg Rainbows or Brownies welcome volunteer parent helpers especially for trips.

If you can afford time off look into parental leave. If you took parental leave in summer it would free up annual leave for half days leave for school events.Or look into buying additional leave.Appreciate it’s not financially viable for lots though.

I’d also check arrangements for school start in yr R - lots don’t start full time day 1.

It's annoying but the best thing to do is pick out the things you really think are desperately important* and do those, and leave the rest, there will always be a few parents who go to absolutely everything, but most will be like you - able to make some but not most.

*(Of course, the school won't actually publish any one of these dates with anything more than a week's notice if you're lucky, so you won't actually be able to pick anything out in advance. But nice idea hey! Welcome to the chaotic world of having children at school)

I remember by grandma not my mum watching me as angel gabriel in nursery and all the other mums were there (mine was a teacher so couldn’t come)
DDs primary had a weekly fri afternoon assembly parents could go to - it was mostly grandparents there.

You are unreasonable to expect the school to organise events outside of normal school hours. I say this as someone whose DC go to a school where teachers do regularly organise events outside of school hours to enable parents to attend. It's lovely, but absolutely should not be expected.

However, the school is unreasonable to organise the Christmas dinner in that format. An event where parents sit in the audience is one thing, but an event where children are left out because their parents can't make it is another. Plus the charge request when people are struggling at the moment. It doesn't sit right with me.

If you can look back at old newsletters online or befriend a parent with older children. Year on yr it seems to follow a similar pattern so you can get a heads up of events.

Ooooh, I like this.

Frustrating! Welcome to the endless guilt trip of being a parent.

As others have said, you'll just have to pick and choose and explain to DS when you are not going to be there.

I can understand though. It feels bad .

It's reasonable for a school to expect parents to 'get involved' maybe once a half term. Unfortunately Christmas does seem to be where they focus their thoughts on this.

So far we have been emailed asking us to attend a Christmas church service, the Christmas play, the school choir's Christmas concert and the Christmas fayre. All during the working day.
We're fortunate that my DC have very involved GP's who are more than happy to step in. My DD has Autism and would find it very difficult to manage these events without one of us there. It must be difficult for working parents who don't have family support.

This sounds fantastic and I wish our preschool did more of it. Ideally, I would say one or two or term, which are organised will in advance. It would be a shame to throw the baby out with the bath water, just because some parents need to work.

It's always fascinated me that the people who organise events in the middle of the day, often announced at very short notice, are teachers, who themselves wouldn't be able to attend the same event at their own dc's school.

Clearly events at the weekend aren't the answer, providing a timetable of these things at the beginning of the school year would help more parents to be available by swapping a shift, taking leave, arranging to WFH that day, wouldn't help everyone but it'd be something.

I remember so many times receiving an invite to assembly or some other event at a couple of days notice, with a bit more warning I could have rearranged a meeting or made up some lieu time.

You won't be the only one not there, don't worry.

The school is being silly here.

YANBU @artline200 ... Some schools, for some inexplicable reason, seem to assume that ALL mothers are stay-at-home-mums OR work very part time, like 10 hours a week, and can just switch their hours about willy-nilly to suit THEM and their 'school events.'

When my 2 DC were little, I worked 3 days one week and 4 the next (30 hours a week,)- in a semi professional role which was quite demanding with a fair amount of responsibility... Including interviewing people/seeing people who had appointments, attending court hearings and solicitors with people etc...

The amount of times the school/teachers/head etc, expected me to just drop hours and days, and switch days around, and basically move my life around to accommodate the fucking SCHOOL was phenomenal! I was fuming over one thing or another every other bastard week. Hilariously, the school never expected my husband - DCs FATHER - to upend HIS life for their convenience! Just me, the MOTHER!

I even had ONE teacher - female, 30s, no children herself - suggest maybe I shouldn't be at work if I'm not able to give 'my all' to my kids when they're at school. I was livid. Complained to the Head, but I don't think he honestly gave a shit. Probably agreed actually. These same people will look down their nose at stay-at-home-mums for being 'freeloaders' though. As a mother of young children, you simply cannot win!

When my 2 kids (1 year apart in age) were 8 and 9, I changed jobs, dropped to 2 days a week, (16 hours,) and had much less responsibility. I did that for ME as my other job was so stressful, but it was much better being able to give more to my kids. Working full time - or almost full time, 30 hours a week like I did - was just too much. I dropped the hours and responsibility for my kids and ME though, not the fucking school, or because they thought I should!

But yeah YANBU. Schools are really unreasonable and demanding. And yes, they assume ALL mums don't work OR work less than 10 hours a week in a job where they are able to swap their hours about at the drop of a hat, and they have fuck-all responsibilities in their job. (And also no other commitments, like other children or other family members to care for!)

A long awaited medical appointment can't be compared to a school lunch, assembly etc., of course teachers can do those things, at least used to be able to do so.

He won't be the only one without a parent there - it's just the way it is.

I'm a teacher (part-time) so couldn't go to most the school events, sometimes DH went if he could take time off work, sometimes we would ask a grandparent to go, and sometimes no one would go. It was fine - you can only do what you can.

Teachers can ask for time off but it depends on their head. Some encourage parents to go to sports day, others would think it unreasonable for you to ask. Some won't let you leave for a hospital appointment without seeing the letter, others trust their staff.
Teachers usually wouldn't even request the time for stuff like this, you prioritize and only ask if you think it is important. Depends if you are scheduled to be teaching too, if planning time or sixth form that doesn't require a cover teacher the answer is more likely to be yes.
The worst one is when they start reception and do half days for weeks, it's terrible for settling in and impossible for working parents. With mine I had 2 sets of grandparents, me, my husband and friends to cover that. Next year I'm keeping on my childminder for the first few weeks madness and that is my last child, never again will I have to start primary. Yay!

@ChristmasisRuined I'm a part time teacher. I've had to request every single one of my daughter's hospital appointments ( 2 alone in the last 2 weeks) to be on my day off as it is so difficult to take time off at my school. Thank god I'm part time and so far the hospital has been able to accommodate this.

I have NEVER been able to to anything for my children because I teach. At least you have the option to take time off.

As a grandparent if my DD or husband can’t attend a school event they ask me or one of the other grandparents if they want to attend.

I won't forget being at 'parent reading morning' at my childs reception class and one tiny girl - a little 4 year old but looked younger - absolutely bawling because all the other mums were there and hers wasn't.

I just looked at her and thought that is just really crap for that kid and totally confusing - we tell them they have to go to school without us and then some mums (always the more middle class on balance as they tend to have more work flexibility) get to go and others don't.

However it is a tricky balance - as I absolutely love any opportunity to go into my kids schools - and I loved it that their pre school often had chances for us to go in. What is the alternative? That because not everyone can come they just never let any parents takepart? These are 3 year olds - when my kid was 3 yes I did love being able to go and do things in their nursery.

I think what should happen is there should be regular opportunities and nothing like lunch/ santa as I totally see it would be crap for a kid to not have parent there when others do

oh and I went to a lot of these as I worked from home - NEVER a dad in sight.

there are no dads who feel guilty about this!! total mum guilt situation.

This I hate it it gives me terrible mum guilt and it feels like it’s constantly! My son has a shared learning session next week while I’m at work and the thought of him being on the minority which he is at my school of one of the kids without a parent makes me feel awful , I’d rather they just didn’t do them at all than leave some kids without while watching others with parents

YABU. Obviously it’s optional, so don’t go if you can’t. For those that can it’s nice - I say that as someone who can’t make most things.
YABVU to suggest schools should open on a Saturday to accommodate you 😂

You will not be the only one who can't be there.
Is there someone else who can go though .....