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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School keeps asking for parents to join in in the middle of the working day?!

372 replies

artline200 · 21/11/2022 12:16

I am new to the whole school emails thing, but my son has started at a pre-school attached to a new infants school. Teaching is great, we love it. But they are asking for a lot of parent participation, which I feel quite trapped by. It will be a friendly request, such as come in at 2pm to celebrate the children’s achievements in the mini marathon. To attend I would need to take time off work to go. And if i don’t go will my son be sad that he’s one of the only kids without a parent there? It breaks my heart to think that.

The latest email, which has really wound me up, is an invitation for parents to join children at 12pm for christmas lunch. I have to pay for a lunch I don’t want, and take time off work to be there. And on top of this if my child would like to see Santa and receive a gift I need to pay £6. This isn't exactly optional as I can’t be the only mum who doesn’t join for Christmas dinner and doesn’t buy my kid a ticket to see Santa. Imagine how he would feel, for a teacher to tell him, no your mummy can;t come.

Am being I unreasonable to think that these kinds of things should be on a Saturday and legitimately be optional, rather than in the school days when many parents are working? or at least kept to a minimun and dates sent out at the start of term?! It creates such an unfair divide for children and puts so much pressure on working parents who already have to take time out for school holidays, inset days and sicknesses.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 21/11/2022 13:39

budgiegirl · 21/11/2022 13:17

Schools are set up on the assumption that we are all still 1950s housewives without jobs and careers

Teachers aren't stupid, of course they know that many parents work - but what is the alternative? Not offer these activities to those who can make it? It's not compulsory to attend.

It must be hard for teachers too, as a large proportion are working parents themselves and they can't take leave during term time so it's no even an option for them to go to their own children's events/lunches/sports day.

WimpoleHat · 21/11/2022 13:40

Schools are set up on the assumption that we are all still 1950s housewives without jobs and careers

No - they’re just not set up for your convenience. They’re set up to focus on the children (and, if you’re being a bit cynical, possibly in the interests of the people who work there). They arrange things. They invite parents. It’s not compulsory. You can go if you can and if you wish, or not if you can’t and don’t. And the fewer the people that turn up, presumably the less likely they are to keep doing these as parent inclusive events.

Onlyforcake · 21/11/2022 13:43

It's reasonable for a school to expect parents to 'get involved' maybe once a half term. Unfortunately Christmas does seem to be where they focus their thoughts on this. I've done mothers day lunches, fathers day crafting (I was a single parent), class assemblies, listening to readers secret storyteller, careers day, roman day and some achool trips (i suspect they cant have parents on trips these days though). There are ALWAYS parents not there X

HarryBlackberry1 · 21/11/2022 13:45

Just don't go. Loads of parents have to work so can't attend things. I've always taught full time so wasnt able to go to my DD's school events. By the same token, I don't think you can expect school staff to run these things at weekends, as many have their own children.

ZenNudist · 21/11/2022 13:49

I work and wouldn't go to this. I will show up for nativity play / plays and shows generally and sports day and parents evening. I'd see something like this lunch as optional. It's you whose projecting that you will be "the only mum" not there (what about the dads? Come on its 2022) and thinking your dc will be "so sad". My dc really wouldn't mind. I once said to DS that I felt bad to miss y6 leavers mass and he reassured me that he understood i was at work.

My mum was a teacher so never came to sports day. I don't remember being bothered and I've certainly survived unharmed this terrible parenting.

Time to give up the mum guilt.

CecilyP · 21/11/2022 13:49

It’s the middle of the working day; you’re working so won’t be able to go. And you can’t really use up your holiday entitlement because you need it for the actual school holidays. It’s nice to invite but if you can’t go, you can’t go.

Oddly enough, when I started school most mums were SAHMs and there was just one event a year that parents could attend!

PositiveLife · 21/11/2022 13:51

WimpoleHat · 21/11/2022 13:40

Schools are set up on the assumption that we are all still 1950s housewives without jobs and careers

No - they’re just not set up for your convenience. They’re set up to focus on the children (and, if you’re being a bit cynical, possibly in the interests of the people who work there). They arrange things. They invite parents. It’s not compulsory. You can go if you can and if you wish, or not if you can’t and don’t. And the fewer the people that turn up, presumably the less likely they are to keep doing these as parent inclusive events.

I think some schools do still assume there is a parent at home full time. My children went to a primary school that was like this. Sending text messages at 4pm on Thursday telling you that you could attend an assembly at 9am Friday. Sending team colours home the day before sports day and expecting you to go to the shops and find one. The school once complained that I didn't manage to get there within 10 minutes when dd was ill.

Thankfully it got a lot better at Secondary.

Newuser82 · 21/11/2022 13:53

DappledThings · 21/11/2022 13:00

What do you hope they’d do instead??
Just not bother?
All the kids miss out on doing it because you can’t come?
Secretly, yes. But obviously that is ludicrously unreasonable of me. Hence secretly. It would make it easier for me though.

Me too! Am actually unsure why they do all of these things with the parents there? Obviously the plays, nativities etc but why the extra things? Lunch with Santa, stay and play. Seems strange to me. I'm sure there weren't all these things when I was at school.

Nottodaty · 21/11/2022 13:57

In my daughters class two children had parents that were teachers - they very rarely could come to anything!

It’s one of those things, I pick and choose and shared the load with my husband. Even once pulling in Grandparents (one who still works and had to take time off, the other doesn’t work but all Grandparents live over 2 hours away)

DappledThings · 21/11/2022 13:57

Me too! Am actually unsure why they do all of these things with the parents there? Obviously the plays, nativities etc but why the extra things? Lunch with Santa, stay and play. Seems strange to me. I'm sure there weren't all these things when I was at school.
Absolutely!

WeAllHaveWings · 21/11/2022 13:58

I think I went to about 4-5 afternoon things in ds's entire time in school. There was never a time all parents were there.

ChristmasisRuined · 21/11/2022 13:58

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 21/11/2022 12:19

If I had a request like this I wouldn’t be able to go as I’m a teacher and we can’t take annual leave. There will be other parents that can’t go.

Wow really? You don't even have a few days to take for something like an important family-related issue, child's long awaited medical appointment that can't be changed etc? I know you get school holidays off which is more than other jobs but surely there must sometimes be unavoidable things that crop up?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 21/11/2022 13:59

You really wont be the only one not able to go. Im a SAHM so fortunate enough to be able to go to all the events but there is always at least 10 children without anyone there, another 5 or 6 who have grandparents/aunt/uncle etc instead of a parent and the rest a mixture of sahp and parents who've taken time off of work.

I tend to invite my dc friends to join us if their parents havent been able to make it so could you ask another parent who will be going if they can include your child?

DelurkingAJ · 21/11/2022 14:00

It depends vastly on the school. We swerved a school where the headmaster told me that ‘all the Mums come to our weekly Thursday assembly’ and when I pointed out I worked FT he conceded that ‘some grandparents come’ and was poleaxed to be told that they were several hours away. Our current school is less bad but still there are a lot (like three in the next three weeks) of things at 10:00 or 14:00 (and end of summer term is similar).

makenomistake · 21/11/2022 14:08

The only one I would take a day's holiday for would be sports day!

BogRollBOGOF · 21/11/2022 14:11

I missed everything in DS's first year as I still worked FT. DH managed a couple of events. No local family. No local contacts. C'est la vie.

Most events are in school time due to the avaliability of staff and parents. Most children will have someone there for something. Pretty much no one would have a parent there for everything.

Not having them for 2 years has weakened the school community. They can't suit everyone, but if they don't attempt it, it deprives all families of any opportunities to see what children are like in school and what the school is like in action.

More notice wouldn't go amiss though. Communication methods can be messy too. Ours are better now, but when DS1 started, it was a garbled mix of paper, text, do jo and email so difficult to cross-check details.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/11/2022 14:12

You won't be the only parent not there
Is Dad around at all? Would he be willing to go even if its not his contact day?
Is there a grandparent or aunt / uncle who could go?

YANBU to think it's too much, yola u to expect staff to work weekends presumably for free

henriettahobnobs · 21/11/2022 14:12

Twenty years ago this was still an issue, I used to alternate with another mum. We made sure both mine and her DC knew that whoever was there was there for both of them.

gamerchick · 21/11/2022 14:16

You're taking it too personally OP. Need a bit of a tougher skin going forward. You won't be the only parent not there and why is it all on you? I'm assuming child has a father. Plus grandparents if retired come in handy if they're involved.

PollyPut · 21/11/2022 14:18

@OP you say it's a new school. Presumably they are just trying things out. Some will work, some won't work so well.

Do the parents have an active PA yet? If so they could organise some of the events on Saturdays instead and this would work better for working parents. You could get involved with organising them?

£6 to see Santa is far too much IMO

Beautiful3 · 21/11/2022 14:20

Loads of parents don't go to these optional things. Your child won't care that you're not there. You're massively over thinking this.

KnickerlessParsons · 21/11/2022 14:24

This is what grandparents are for! My parents used to drive up from Swansea to attend the school functions DH and I couldn't go to.

TheOrigRights · 21/11/2022 14:27

KnickerlessParsons · 21/11/2022 14:24

This is what grandparents are for! My parents used to drive up from Swansea to attend the school functions DH and I couldn't go to.

That obviously worked for you. Not all children have grandparents, and even if they do, the GPs need to willing, able and available.
There are 14 grandchildren on my side, my poor parents would have spent all their days driving around the country!

mn29 · 21/11/2022 14:28

There are things like this throughout primary school - class assemblies, harvest festival etc etc. It’s tough as a working parent but probably most of the kids there have working parents so your dc won’t be the only one. I used to try and go in to work late or wfh to attend these things but it wasn’t always possible. Sometimes I was able to send a grandparent instead. But occasionally dc wouldn’t have anyone there and it’s just something you have to explain to them - that you want to be there but this time you have to work. It’s very unlikely they will be the only child with no one there for them.

EssexCat · 21/11/2022 14:30

Newuser82 · 21/11/2022 13:53

Me too! Am actually unsure why they do all of these things with the parents there? Obviously the plays, nativities etc but why the extra things? Lunch with Santa, stay and play. Seems strange to me. I'm sure there weren't all these things when I was at school.

Show quote history

Because the parents moan when they aren’t invited…..or maybe that was just my experience.