School keeps asking for parents to join in in the middle of the working day?!

[artline200]

I am new to the whole school emails thing, but my son has started at a pre-school attached to a new infants school. Teaching is great, we love it. But they are asking for a lot of parent participation, which I feel quite trapped by. It will be a friendly request, such as come in at 2pm to celebrate the children’s achievements in the mini marathon. To attend I would need to take time off work to go. And if i don’t go will my son be sad that he’s one of the only kids without a parent there? It breaks my heart to think that.

The latest email, which has really wound me up, is an invitation for parents to join children at 12pm for christmas lunch. I have to pay for a lunch I don’t want, and take time off work to be there. And on top of this if my child would like to see Santa and receive a gift I need to pay £6. This isn't exactly optional as I can’t be the only mum who doesn’t join for Christmas dinner and doesn’t buy my kid a ticket to see Santa. Imagine how he would feel, for a teacher to tell him, no your mummy can;t come.

Am being I unreasonable to think that these kinds of things should be on a Saturday and legitimately be optional, rather than in the school days when many parents are working? or at least kept to a minimun and dates sent out at the start of term?! It creates such an unfair divide for children and puts so much pressure on working parents who already have to take time out for school holidays, inset days and sicknesses.

Oh I don't know, I do get quite upset if someone serves me an Aunt Bessies roast potato

I think you feel (needlessly) guilty and defensive but your anger is misplaced.

School will run a range of events over the year. Some will be out of school hours and some will be within school hours. Some will suit working parents and some will suit parents with younger children who struggle to get to evening events. This can't be a surprise to you surely. Just attend what you can attend. As many pp have said, you won't be the only one who can't attend.

And if you are just at the start of your child's education then you have a lot of years ahead of you so your child does need to understand that you work and can't always attend.

But, if you complain, you won't push these events to weekends but instead they will stop altogether and nobody will enjoy them.

Take the day off if you want to go. It's a pain but it's what you have to do. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you there. Or your husband or grandparents if you're not allowed the day off.

At out school, any adult can attend for your child - family friend, childminder, neighbour. Would that be a possibility? It is also lovely to see parents who are friends supporting each other's children almost on a rota.

You are being unreasonable to expect the teachers to work at the weekend just so you can attend. If you can't attend then I am sure they understand and I assume many parents won't be able to attend

I went to one of these random middle of the day things with very little notice recently. Managed to take time in lieu.

My child was happy. One of the little girls was crying because her parent wasn’t there and honestly it broke my heart. Poor baby :(

Oh and someone mentioned it’s always mums - at ours there were about eight parents and it was genuinely half and half mums and dads!

I think you may need to get creative. Are there grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents, elderly neighbours, friends who might like to go. My children always had someone at these events but it was often pretty random who it was!

You need to stop taking this personally. School cannot do these things on a Saturday as school isn't open then!

I am a working parent and did not attend this stuff because I couldn't. You explain calmly to your dc that mummy has to work and then just show great interest after school. If you have a friend or a relative who can attend then great, otherwise it comes under the category of that's life.

Ah see I am kind of with the OP that’s it’s difficult. At deports day, other random races they have, Christmas production etc I would say 95% of children have a parent or parent substitute present at our school… either one of the parents is at home and can go or a grandparent is sent, I’ve even see au-pairs and nannies sent so that their child sees someone familiar. I think it is REALLY difficult.
Probably a Christmas lunch in nursery is different… I wouldn’t be expecting a huge turnout.

Our school does the Christmas fayre and other bits and pieces on a Saturday so that it evens out.

Plenty won't be able to go.
I used to not attend some ( Christmas Dinner was one of those), attend evening stuff like plays, attend the bigger daytime things, and ask a grandparent to attend others.
Even on a family picnic day, other families will invite your child to sit with their group.
You cannot do it all and work.

What about his Dad? DH and I take turns for things like this.

We never made it to the “eat dinner with your kid day”. DDs sat with their friends parents and had great time. We have always been very upfront that there are some things we won’t get to, but the benefits of us both working outweigh the bad (in terms of what having two salaries brings to our lives). My kids are fairly forgiving about the situation.

@InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits holding events at different days / times sounds like a great way to invite parents. Flexible and as inclusive as possible

We’ve always balanced it between mummy and daddy WFH and sneaking out, taking half days, grandparents sometimes going, sometimes DP’s sister would go, even our elderly neighbour has gone to an afternoon tea at school as the ‘guest’, sometimes if really no one could go we have a reciprocal thing with dc best friend’s mum who would be mummy for both kids and I’d do it for her if necessary. In nursery this isn’t really an option but as they get older the kids do care a bit less. My nephew had a year 6 afternoon tea thing and he told my sister not to come because it was ‘some stupid cake thing’ 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t think its as simple as take a day off. Even if your workplace is really flexible like mine, If your a parent of young children, you need to keep your holiday entitlement to cover school holidays.

I agree OP. It’s way too much way too often pressure on parents in schools in this country. School is for education and making friendships during the day. I don’t like being forced into a trillion of activities I can’t participate in. Taking a day off for one Christmas show is hard enough. I just don’t get it.

And for those who’s saying “just explain”, how often “just explaining” works to negate a feeling of abandonment for the child? “My mummy didn’t want to come/couldn’t come” feeling? I kind of feel like that the school staff are dreading all the events too, they are made to organise and do it and I don’t know, for the sake of what?

So we shouldn't have middle of the day ativities because it's inconvenient for some? How about all the parents who are able to make it, working or not? Alot of things in life, not all, but alot, come down to lifestyle choices

Welcome to the school years. Schools are set up to suit children and so most activities take place during school hours. Supporting your child through school takes time, money and effort - just do what you can. You need to tag team with your partner, take time off work, share to load with other mums (when they're older) etc. You can't expect things to happen in the evening or weekends - who would staff them, plus lots of kids have other commitments then. It's definitely an adjustment, especially if you have previously used a private nursery!

There is normally a group without parents and they try and keep it fun for them. You might be able to pay the £6 for santa anyway. And ask for photos on whatever app you use to reassure yourself he is still having fun.

It is shit but lots of parents can go now in the day as they can wfh. Often we could have gone, if we had had enough notice but it's been notified so late we have already organised a trip or something. So sometimes we both go, often one of us goes, very occasionally a grandparent will go, and sometimes no parent will go. Explain how you're working and will do something fun at the weekend instead

I think its a really difficult one. Of course teachers know about working parents- most are working parents themselves and probably miss all (if not majority of) their own kids school events.
I think there are a lot more requests and events now involving parents than when I was at school in the 80s/90s because parents seem more involved with school/education although I'm sure the proportion of homes where both parents work is far greater now.

My kids are teens now but when I worked ft and they were at primary I chose the ones they felt were the most important. Christmas and end of summer term seem in particularly seem to have lots of events that involve parents and its often impossible to go to all of them, but I'm sure the school appreciate that not every parent will go to every event.
It's difficult to use annual leave or take half days here and there when you're about to have 6 weeks of juggling work/childcare.

Talk to ofsted about their demand for parental engagement.

And to the other parents who moan when schools don’t invite them in and arrange events especially for them.

It is 100% easier in a practical sense imo if parents never come into schools, but ofsted and a very vocal group of parents demand it.

It’s a very Mumsnet thing to be so offended by an invitation and see it as being “forced” to do something.

@waterrat
"oh and I went to a lot of these as I worked from home - NEVER a dad in sight.

there are no dads who feel guilty about this!! total mum guilt situation."

I'm intrigued whether this was some time ago or quite recently?

My eldest is 13 and ever since he started school I would see the same group of parents at drop off, pick ups and events and the regulars included loads of dads. I got the impression some of them were self employed and/or trades working around the school day.

It would be nice to think times have changed and dads are more involved or is it just chance/different areas?

Both as a parent and as a teacher I've noticed that when an event is planned that asks for some parental input it is often the working parents who are there to help offering the benefit of their skills from work. Many of the 'stay at home' parents arrive to the event giving the benefit of their opinion on the organistaion etc., rarely having organised anything in their life. Obviously not a 100% observation before anyone starts bellyaching.