School keeps asking for parents to join in in the middle of the working day?!

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I am new to the whole school emails thing, but my son has started at a pre-school attached to a new infants school. Teaching is great, we love it. But they are asking for a lot of parent participation, which I feel quite trapped by. It will be a friendly request, such as come in at 2pm to celebrate the children’s achievements in the mini marathon. To attend I would need to take time off work to go. And if i don’t go will my son be sad that he’s one of the only kids without a parent there? It breaks my heart to think that.

The latest email, which has really wound me up, is an invitation for parents to join children at 12pm for christmas lunch. I have to pay for a lunch I don’t want, and take time off work to be there. And on top of this if my child would like to see Santa and receive a gift I need to pay £6. This isn't exactly optional as I can’t be the only mum who doesn’t join for Christmas dinner and doesn’t buy my kid a ticket to see Santa. Imagine how he would feel, for a teacher to tell him, no your mummy can;t come.

Am being I unreasonable to think that these kinds of things should be on a Saturday and legitimately be optional, rather than in the school days when many parents are working? or at least kept to a minimun and dates sent out at the start of term?! It creates such an unfair divide for children and puts so much pressure on working parents who already have to take time out for school holidays, inset days and sicknesses.

And yes,, the notice given is often problemtic too.

As with all mine I have been lucky enough to be a SAHM I always make a fuss of all the DC I know when I go to these events. I usually have about four other children who’s mums I know work around me. I shout their names and they come over. I have always dine this if I see a mum not around. A couple of mums now ask me. It is no trouble for me and I get to know my DC friends.

trust me you will not be the only mum not there. If you know any other mums ask them can they chat to urs too. As a primary trained teacher I also know we look out for the DC without a parent. It will be fine.

OP you won't be the only parent who can't go to these things.

I'm a SAHP and I can't make it to all the prize giving or school events.

Our school did stay and plays in reception too and I didn't go to most of those either.

I explained to my son that parents were invited but that mum and dad couldn't make it because we were working / had appointments.

He was fine. The only time he got a bit upset was when we'd forgotten it was a stay and play and we hadn't said we wouldn't be there.

YANBU but it has always been the way

Schools are set up on the assumption that we are all still 1950s housewives without jobs and careers.

You either take the time off or beg a GP to go or don't go and feel guilty.

I do this too. As do the mums and dads of my son's friends.

We support each other because we know we can't always make it.

I'm a teacher, so will probably miss most things.

The Santa thing is rubbish though. If you can't afford £6 (each!) Santa leaves out your child? I'd be complaining about that. If they can't make it free, or at least an optional donation, it should be scrapped.

If it's in the school day, every child can be involved. If it's at the weekend, lots won't be able to, due to family commitments or parental apathy.

It's more important for every child to enjoy the activity, than for every parent to be able to attend.

YABU. Schools are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Of course they understand that many, if not most, parents work, but does that mean they shouldn't offer these activities at all ? They usually try to put events on different days, at different times, to maximise the number of parents that can make one or more events, but they certainly don't expect all parents to attend all events. And YABU to say it should be on a Saturday, outside the teachers usual working hours, and also for assuming that no parents work on a Saturday!

The only thing I agree with is that it would be better to give more notice, but perhaps that's not alway possible.

Then the focus should be on activties the children can enjoy regardless of whether an adult can attend.

And give notice. There is no good reason for very short notice.

Schools are set up on the assumption that we are all still 1950s housewives without jobs and careers

Teachers aren't stupid, of course they know that many parents work - but what is the alternative? Not offer these activities to those who can make it? It's not compulsory to attend.

Schools are set up on the assumption that we are all still 1950s housewives without jobs and careers.

No. They're set up within the staff's working day and the children's school day. They assume nothing about parents, but their arrangements do ensure that every child gets to participate.

I agree. My DD1 has just started reception tbf her school hasn't requested quite as much from us as your LOs school has but it is a lot and makes me feel a lot of pressure. I feel like I'm back at school again. So now I have a job, 2 kids under 5 and I'm pretty much back to the start with school ed, doing homework every weekend, reading every evening, paying for trips, different school activities, outfits, costumes they have to wear and ensuring she is completing her online ebooks (as well as 2 library books a week) to make sure she moves onto the next animal in the school jungle and doesn't get left behind and testing her on her red words every week! It's all very exhausting!

Or take a half day off work ?

"They assume nothing about parents, but their arrangements do ensure that every child gets to participate."

This I am just not sure I agree with. At least not always. Ref the parent/ child picnic we had recently. The children without parents there did not have an opportunity for proper participation.

Don’t go. You won’t be the only one. 30% parents at my kids prep school are doctors of some sort and they don’t cancel their clinic/surgery to attend. Plus numerous other professions where we can’t attend things during the day - anything on a Tuesday is out as I chair a board meeting. Don’t go and don’t sweat it. It’s good for your children to see that you have a job and that involves sacrifices. Having said that, there are also a number of events in the evening for working parents to attend but that is because the teachers are happy to run them then which may not be the case at your school.

I mean a school lunch with your kids happens what twice a year at most... hardly crazy.

You dont have to attend the random last minute assembles and masses etc...

Basically theres Mothers/Fathers day meal, sports day and nativity that everyone attends and honestly who goes to the rest?

I have no problem with events being during the school day when the school staff are working. But my experience of having children in primary, especially EYFS, is absolutely that there are a lot of tacit assumptions baked into the system that there is a parent - what am I saying, a mother - not working or barely working in the home. I will not soon forget the EYFS teacher who gave me a vacant look when I mentioned that I was looking for a new nannyshare partner among the other nursery parents and said that she didn't think other people would really be using childcare. And this was for children who were attending 15 hours a week,

Lots of parents don't go. Sometimes a grandparent or aunt goes instead. School is not open on Saturday therefore of course events are Monday to Friday. What were you really expecting? Remember it's school not childcare and other kids should not miss out on these events just because you and your dc's other parent if applicable haven't allowed annual leave for these things.

The good news is they reduce by year 3/4

We have a lot of this and going is lovely, but I definitely feel huge guilt if ever I can't make it. The school known people work and all parents aren't going to be able to go, but what's the alternative? Never have parents in because some can't make it?

My son is in reception and we were invited in today just to observe a lesson. It was hilarious. They were trying to solve a problem and brainstorming ideas. A little girl kept insisting that her Daddy has lots of money and he could just pay someone to sort it all out. He was sat there like 😐

It's in school time because it's a school, they have to do it when the children are already there. Teachers don't get paid for weekends. Also who would pay the janitors who open up and close the school plus extra cleaning? You? I don't think so

Just wondering , does it have to be a parent or do you have a grandma / grandad/ aunt / uncle / good friend who can go instead of you? So there is a person who your child can relate to.
I think it’s a lovely idea for your child to share lunch with someone special if possible.
And if you do go who do you think should pay? School budgets are super stretched as it is. It may well be cheaper than a sandwich from Greggs.
I know what you mean about the cost for Santa - it is sad to see those children’s faces whose parents cannot afford this.

You wouldn't catch me eating school dinners surrounded by chaotic Christmas hyped children. I would make sure I was busy that day. Can have the £6 for santa though, why not?

It's the life of a working parent, I'm afraid.
Many of the children with SAHPs will have a parent there for these events, will be there to collect them at the end of the day, present to organise play dates and able to organise lift shares for activities.

I have always been a working parent, but felt the disadvantages most acutely during the first few years of Primary, when fewer parents are working and your child is too young to understand why you're working (and indeed too young to need to know).

What I would really have appreciated was more notice. I've been fortunate to always worked in a pretty flexible environment, and given more notice I would be able to work things out (both with work and my other child).

Since I started working from home I've been able to very easily juggle everything, but even then the 'best of both worlds' can stretch you!

In my experience, the majority of parents won't be able to attend these things. If you can manage to make one or 2 of them throughout the year that will be great.

It is annoying. However, as well as the fund raising it is also an OFSTED requirement to demonstrate that you are interacting and involving parents in education. This is how some schools choose to do it.

Turnout really depends on the school. At our DD's school turnout used to be very high (many parents wfh and/or work part time). It was usually DH's job to do these jaunts because he can wfh relatively easily. He said that every time at least one kid would be in floods of tears because they were one of the few who didn't have a visitor to sit with (usually the same kid).

However, the school also accepted grandparents, aunts etc. Is there any trusted adult who can stand in for you?
Can you gauge by asking other parents at the school gate how high turn out is likely to be?
How resilient and mature is your child? Can you give them notice and promise a special treat later to compensate if you can't attend?