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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He took something without telling me.

191 replies

WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:23

Name changed long term user. I'm just after a little perspective here...

I recently stopped my son's iPad use for a week due to unacceptable behaviour. His iPad was placed out of reach to wait until he was allowed it back.

My partner (who is long term but I do not live with) decided to take the IPad with him when he left the house today (will be gone several days). He did this without telling me to 'help me not to give in to my son who will ask for his old bck before a week'.

I am about the replace the iPad anyway (at Christmas) and had mentioned this to my sister. She has now asked if she can buy the old one off me and wants to see pictures and serial numbers etc to check if she wants it.

I spent half an hour searching the house for this iPad before calling my boyfriend to find he had taken it without asking me.

AIBU to be angry at this? I understand that it's easier to resist giving in early and giving the iPad back if it's not even here, but shouldn't I have been asked if I wanted this 'help'? I have an uncomfortable feeling about this. I know he hasn't stolen it in any way, but it's still been taken from me without my knowledge or permission.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 20/11/2022 22:24

He clearly took it to use it. And wasted your time looking.

Penguinsaregreat · 20/11/2022 22:26

Sounds like the type of thing my ex would do.
I think your dp was wrong.

Ludo19 · 20/11/2022 22:27

Why did he take it upon himself to take your sons ipad, with the reasoning you may cave and give it back to him earlier than planned? Surely YOU parent your child, it's not up to your partner to take matters into his own hands.

Mumsanetta · 20/11/2022 22:27

Something about this makes me very uncomfortable but struggling to name it without sounding over the top. I think this is very controlling of him.

Original poster
WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:29

ConnieTucker · 20/11/2022 22:24

He clearly took it to use it. And wasted your time looking.

I don’t think he will use it. It’s quite old and set up for a young child. I believe his reason for taking it, I just don’t think he was right to do it.

OP posts:
Burnamer · 20/11/2022 22:29

Sounds controlling and interfering of your parenting. It’s not of his business if you decide to return it to your son before the week is up.
I’d be amazed if there are no other red flags here.

WinterWitchy · 20/11/2022 22:30

He did this without telling me to 'help me not to give in to my son who will ask for his old bck before a week'.

And since when did you ask him to help you parent your child? He doesn’t get to make decisions on when YOU decide to give your son his tech back. This would be a red flag for me.

ClaryFairchild · 20/11/2022 22:31

He's trying to control how you discipline your child. You don't need his "help" to stay firm. You decide whether you stay firm or whether you negotiate the punishment down for whatever reason.

dontputitthere · 20/11/2022 22:32

All sorts of wrong.

He decided to take something without asking. He decided he knew best and didn't discuss with you before he did it
He took your property. I mean he stole it essentially
He's decided you can't parent properly and again he knows best.

Tell him to bring it back now. Fuck whether that's inconvenient to him.

It's made me really angry. It's so... controlling. Not sure if that's the right word but it's giving me red flags.

I think it's his reasoning that tips me over the edge. Not an apology. But The - I'm doing it for you because I know you can't parent your own child.

YomAsalYomBasal · 20/11/2022 22:32

He's definitely overstepped the mark here. Does he do this often?

Greennetting · 20/11/2022 22:33

So he's basically parenting you parenting your son? How very unsexy and controlling. I would not want a partner that treats me like a child

Is he controlling in other ways? Have string opinions about childraising etc?

Either way he needs to bring it back now even if it is inconvenient for him, as he is currently inconveniencing you and your sister.

Original poster
WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:33

Ludo19 · 20/11/2022 22:27

Why did he take it upon himself to take your sons ipad, with the reasoning you may cave and give it back to him earlier than planned? Surely YOU parent your child, it's not up to your partner to take matters into his own hands.

He is supportive and helpful with parenting which I generally welcome. There’s just something about it being taken without asking which I really don’t like. If he’d mentioned it to me as an idea I might’ve agreed and told my son about it too.

OP posts:
tryingtoholdittogetheralways · 20/11/2022 22:34

I'd be furious. It's not up to him to make decisions like this without consulting you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/11/2022 22:35

Is it set up with your account details?

Ignoring the bullshit he's giving out now, change all your passwords.

SnarkyBag · 20/11/2022 22:36

I wouldn’t be happy. He’s basically parenting your parenting. Disrespectful and controlling.

Original poster
WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:36

WinterWitchy · 20/11/2022 22:30

He did this without telling me to 'help me not to give in to my son who will ask for his old bck before a week'.

And since when did you ask him to help you parent your child? He doesn’t get to make decisions on when YOU decide to give your son his tech back. This would be a red flag for me.

To be fair, I have welcomed his help and support with parenting. He doesn’t have any children from previous relationships or any with me. I have been happy to share the highs and lows of parenting with him and I’m happy for my ex’s new partner to do the same. It’s just that this ‘help’ feels like control and it isn’t something I feel at all comfortable with.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 20/11/2022 22:37

He is very very much in the wrong here. He is infantilising you by taking the item away without your knowledge. I would be absolutely furious.
Technically what he has done is theft.

Jenny3412 · 20/11/2022 22:37

Creepy. The next thing he will be telling you what you should be telling your son as well. Shameful behaviour. If he wants to parent know that capacity he needs to create a child not parent your child that has parents. Don’t let him drive a wedge between you and your child. Partners come and go, kids are forever.

MrsK89 · 20/11/2022 22:37

He should have asked you if you needed that "help" first but maybe he did have good intentions and want to help you? Do you mention that you give in too easily sometimes?
He should have asked and let you know his plan but I don't think it's controlling?

Original poster
WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:39

dontputitthere · 20/11/2022 22:32

All sorts of wrong.

He decided to take something without asking. He decided he knew best and didn't discuss with you before he did it
He took your property. I mean he stole it essentially
He's decided you can't parent properly and again he knows best.

Tell him to bring it back now. Fuck whether that's inconvenient to him.

It's made me really angry. It's so... controlling. Not sure if that's the right word but it's giving me red flags.

I think it's his reasoning that tips me over the edge. Not an apology. But The - I'm doing it for you because I know you can't parent your own child.

Yes! If he had immediately apologised when he heard from me how unreasonable I thought it was then I would feel better about it. Everyone makes mistakes in judgement. But he is refusing to accept he did anything wrong!

OP posts:
WolvesOfTheCalla · 20/11/2022 22:40

This is a huge red flag. He thinks your parenting is weak and has overruled you by removing the iPad. This is not his child. You do not live together. He does not get an opinion.

Original poster
WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:41

YomAsalYomBasal · 20/11/2022 22:32

He's definitely overstepped the mark here. Does he do this often?

No, nothing like this before really. He’s stubborn and doesn’t like to admit he’s wrong though which might be why he hasn’t apologised.

OP posts:
BigChesterDraws · 20/11/2022 22:43

No wonder you don’t live with him.

beonmywaythen · 20/11/2022 22:44

Not admitting he's in the wrong when he is is a red flag in itself... much less the weird iPad taking

Original poster
WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:44

MrsK89 · 20/11/2022 22:37

He should have asked you if you needed that "help" first but maybe he did have good intentions and want to help you? Do you mention that you give in too easily sometimes?
He should have asked and let you know his plan but I don't think it's controlling?

This is how I feel I think. I think the idea came from good intentions. He wants my son’s behaviour to improve, he (with some justification) thinks I will not see the punishment through on my own, he thinks it will help me if I can’t say to my son ‘I can’t give you the iPad back because X has it this week’… and I might’ve agreed! If he had asked me!

OP posts: