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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He took something without telling me.

191 replies

WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:23

Name changed long term user. I'm just after a little perspective here...

I recently stopped my son's iPad use for a week due to unacceptable behaviour. His iPad was placed out of reach to wait until he was allowed it back.

My partner (who is long term but I do not live with) decided to take the IPad with him when he left the house today (will be gone several days). He did this without telling me to 'help me not to give in to my son who will ask for his old bck before a week'.

I am about the replace the iPad anyway (at Christmas) and had mentioned this to my sister. She has now asked if she can buy the old one off me and wants to see pictures and serial numbers etc to check if she wants it.

I spent half an hour searching the house for this iPad before calling my boyfriend to find he had taken it without asking me.

AIBU to be angry at this? I understand that it's easier to resist giving in early and giving the iPad back if it's not even here, but shouldn't I have been asked if I wanted this 'help'? I have an uncomfortable feeling about this. I know he hasn't stolen it in any way, but it's still been taken from me without my knowledge or permission.

OP posts:
FreakyFrie · 20/11/2022 23:51

Really odd he thought he had enough authority in your house to take your child iPad home.

I wouldn’t be happy.

Tinkerbyebye · 20/11/2022 23:53

He took the tablet without your permission

that’s stealing
he also sounds controlling with the ‘ I took it in case you gave in’ how you parent your child has nothing to do with him.

i would be insisting he brings the tablet back now, not when he next sees you, with an assurance he will never do this again

you are on the slippery slope if you don’t nip it in the bud now

2bazookas · 20/11/2022 23:55

I'd be furious. what a red flag!!!!!

Inertia · 20/11/2022 23:56

I'd be furious- he's treating you like a child who can't be trusted. I would be insisting he brings it straight back.

caringcarer · 20/11/2022 23:59

He has basically told you he does not trust your parenting or judgement. A huge red flag. He has overstepped and won't even apologise. I would ask him to bring it back today.

MsJinks · 21/11/2022 00:13

You’ve said he wouldn’t have stolen it or ‘borrowed’ it, which is the usual reason for taking things that don’t belong to you (not right but realistic).
So you must believe his assertion that he took it to ‘help’ you parent then - sorry but that’s just a complete dick move by a complete dick person. He clearly feels he is in charge of the house, the property in it, you and your son and probably that you’d barely manage to exist without him. I find it surprising he’s not shown his superiority or entitlement around you before. He didn’t tell you he’d done it, or apologise after, so he thinks he has the right to do it and was right to do it. Though I’m not sure he believes it was right inside - maybe he just thought he’d test a boundary.
Honestly nobody needs this in their lives, whatever it is - controlling, weird, or a thief. It would be less repulsive if he had nicked it to be honest.
I hope you rethink this relationship- you will be happier for it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/11/2022 00:18

It’s a red flag.

His refusal to see your point of view is another red flag.

A PP said he was ‘parenting your parenting.’ Which sums it up. It was controlling, inappropriate and domineering.

Please don’t minimise this.

villamariavintrapp · 21/11/2022 00:32

I agree with others-he's parenting your parenting. He doesn't think you're strict enough with your son, and he wanted to punish you by wasting your time if you 'gave in'. It undermines your parenting and makes your job more difficult.

OnTheUpAtLast · 21/11/2022 00:45

My ex did similar relatively early in our relationship.
It got worse, a lot worse!
The comments on here are unanimous that this isn't right. You posted because your instinct is telling you this isn't right. It's controlling and while he might not have had to raise his voice or actually make a rule, he has shown that he thinks he knows best and you all have to toe the line.

Think about the next time you need to discipline your son...Will you parent as your motherly instinct tells you is appropriate or will you think about how your partner will respond. It would be hard not to. And so you will adapt your behaviour and parenting because of him taking the ipad today.

Your instinct is telling you this isn't right. How I wish I had trusted my instinct, it would have prevented a whole heap of trauma and upset for me and my children. The impact is long lasting.

Please trust your instinct. An apology might sway you this time, but something in the same vein will happen again. By then you will have invested more of yourself in the relationship and it will be harder to leave. Women who get out of abusive relationships can often reflect on the early red flags they ignored because they didn't recognise them for what they were. You can. Please don't leave yourself and your son open to any more opportunities for this guy to control you.

Redkettle · 21/11/2022 00:55

Yanbu. Dodgy that OP. Agree with other poster that you may have thought it was your chikd who had it . I wouldn't be happy with this and understand you feeling like you're being parented yourself. Strange thing to do.

FictionalCharacter · 21/11/2022 00:56

Fireflygal · 20/11/2022 23:20

I feel like a child myself now!

And that was his intention...think about his thought processes on this? He decided to take this course of action and then choose not to tell you. When asked about it he didn't apologise

He thinks he knows best. If he isn't open to challenge that's a concern for any future conflicts

This is exactly the problem. He made a (rather weird) decision because he decided he knew better than you. He didn’t tell you what he’d done. Now he’s decided he’s done nothing wrong.
This would make me very uneasy. What other decisions could he take out of your hands in future to “help” you without telling you?

snowshoehare · 21/11/2022 01:17

Sometimes people do and say silly things. It can be the right thing to accept an apology for a stupid remark or making a stupid mistake. This though is not really about something unconsidered and there is no apology forthcoming. It shows a rather chilling side of him that he knows better than you do and he is entitled to interfere in your relationship with your son. He didn't say to you, did he, "Would you like me to take the ipad with me so it's easier for you to stay strong for the week?

I think he would be an awful stepfather and I would end the relationship. This is just the beginning of the thin edge of the wedge. I think he would be laying down the law as soon as he moved in.

blueshoes · 21/11/2022 01:17

This

More than anything else, whether or not he did it consciously or subconsciously, he had rigged a potential conflict situation between you and your son to drive a wedge between you two.

Nothing comes between me and my son. I would feel my inner mother bear rearing up. No way I'd let a controlling man do that. You know who you should choose if it came to that.

VollywoodHampires · 21/11/2022 01:21

He’s a controlling arse.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/11/2022 01:26

Dealbreaker for me. How dare he interfere with your parenting and decisions.

Bye-bye.

BMW6 · 21/11/2022 01:28

Who the fuck does he think he is? He had NO RIGHT to take it and if he thinks he did it because you are weak willed he should FUCK OFF.

Really. What an absolute arse. Bin.

AnnieSnap · 21/11/2022 01:29

I agree with previous posters. This is a huge red flag. My advice for what it’s worth is pull back on sharing parenting with him and for heavens sake, don’t let him move in, or move in with him.

mathanxiety · 21/11/2022 01:30

He is asking you to choose between him and your own child.

He is asking you to let him get away with taking your son's property.

This is a huge boundary breach and it is intentional; he wants you to redraw your relationship with your own child.

He wants to take the wheel in the relationship with your child.

He wants you to take the backseat.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 21/11/2022 01:44

Is this completely out of character? Because I'm trying to imagine what life must be like for your son if this man thinks so little of the both of you, and it's worrying.

Appleandoranges · 21/11/2022 02:48

You also say he's been supportive and perhaps given advice about your parenting before. Is he himself a parent? Maybe you need to look objectively at how he's influencing your parenting. It's not a bad thing to listen to other's advice on parenting. But be careful on how he is influencing your parenting decisions and your relationship with your son.

pinheadlarry · 21/11/2022 02:52

He sounds sneaky tbh
Does he own his own ipad or tablet??
Because it sounds like he took it to use it and its basically stealing

If he was removing it to "help you" wouldnt he have said that?
It just sounds odd

I dont trust sneaky people who do things without asking or telling because what else are they capable of ..

SiobhanSharpe · 21/11/2022 03:07

I don't like the sound of this bloke one little bit.
Who is he to decide whether you should or should not 'give in' and return the ipad before the week was up? There could have been several scenarios under which you could have decided to end the sanction early.
it's up to you and no-one else but he thinks he has the right to tell you how to parent your child.
I'd put money down that this will happen again.

NumberTheory · 21/11/2022 03:27

I think your discomfort comes from the fact this isn’t him trying to support you as a parent, it’s him enforcing his idea of “better” parenting.

MissEnolaHolmes · 21/11/2022 03:33

OnTheUpAtLast · 21/11/2022 00:45

My ex did similar relatively early in our relationship.
It got worse, a lot worse!
The comments on here are unanimous that this isn't right. You posted because your instinct is telling you this isn't right. It's controlling and while he might not have had to raise his voice or actually make a rule, he has shown that he thinks he knows best and you all have to toe the line.

Think about the next time you need to discipline your son...Will you parent as your motherly instinct tells you is appropriate or will you think about how your partner will respond. It would be hard not to. And so you will adapt your behaviour and parenting because of him taking the ipad today.

Your instinct is telling you this isn't right. How I wish I had trusted my instinct, it would have prevented a whole heap of trauma and upset for me and my children. The impact is long lasting.

Please trust your instinct. An apology might sway you this time, but something in the same vein will happen again. By then you will have invested more of yourself in the relationship and it will be harder to leave. Women who get out of abusive relationships can often reflect on the early red flags they ignored because they didn't recognise them for what they were. You can. Please don't leave yourself and your son open to any more opportunities for this guy to control you.

Exactly.

he is making you question, your questioning of him

why not discuss it with the adult first
he implies you will weaken
it is your child you decide not him
if you wished to give it back earlier this is up to you
you wasted time and we’re frustrated
it could of caused a huge argument with your son

you so don’t need this and you can’t see that this is a deal breakers

Suemademedoit · 21/11/2022 03:35

He unilaterally made a decision in your realm of responsibility. He has overridden you. He didn’t so much as consult before or inform after. He didn’t deem it necessary to do so.

He’s crossed a boundary that you are only now realising was firmly in place. The boundary isn’t so much about your parenting, as about your autonomy to make decisions and your freedom to act. You are no longer free to cave early if you want to or deem it suitable - or even if you don’t want to.