He took something without telling me.

[WildCountry]

Name changed long term user. I'm just after a little perspective here...

I recently stopped my son's iPad use for a week due to unacceptable behaviour. His iPad was placed out of reach to wait until he was allowed it back.

My partner (who is long term but I do not live with) decided to take the IPad with him when he left the house today (will be gone several days). He did this without telling me to 'help me not to give in to my son who will ask for his old bck before a week'.

I am about the replace the iPad anyway (at Christmas) and had mentioned this to my sister. She has now asked if she can buy the old one off me and wants to see pictures and serial numbers etc to check if she wants it.

I spent half an hour searching the house for this iPad before calling my boyfriend to find he had taken it without asking me.

AIBU to be angry at this? I understand that it's easier to resist giving in early and giving the iPad back if it's not even here, but shouldn't I have been asked if I wanted this 'help'? I have an uncomfortable feeling about this. I know he hasn't stolen it in any way, but it's still been taken from me without my knowledge or permission.

Am I the only one wondering if you searched for it for half an hour because you were trying to give it back to your son? And if so his point is proven. But he is absolutely a red flag for doing this, not his ipad, not his child, not his business!

Probably, considering the OP explained why she was looking for it.

This was my thinking too......

But even so, red flag his behaviour x

Red flags:

• He made you feel like a child

• He was effectively dishonest in not telling you he'd done it the first time you rang him.

• You've been in a previous controlling relationship.

• you describe him as "stubborn". What happens when you disagree about something OP?

I bet he's been "happy" to help you with parenting....

OP - who died & made your partner de facto head of household?
A household he doesn't even live in?
Please don't EVER live with this man while your son is still under your roof.

This. I also wonder about how your dc's feel about this man being "given a chance to parent". They are not his kids. He has been given a bit of power by you and is now exerting that control, because he thinks he can.
I would be putting him straight on that for sure.

Sorry it was you that was "happy to accept his parenting help".

If you feel like it's an attempt to control you, it most likely is.

How easily could you end this relationship, are there any practical ties at all?

Sorry OP, but this will only get worse, for you and your son. Note what the poster who's worked supporting families says upthread.

That would piss me off. It doesn't belong to him and he should have made you aware before he was taking it so you could agree to him doing so or not

Why should he discuss disciplinig the OP's child?

None of his business.

Good mothers do NOT involve their boyfriends in disciplinary action with their children.

Good mothers know better than confusing their children with non parental figures being allowed to discipline them.

He doesn't respect the OP.
He didn't tell her because HE thinks HE knows better.

HE needs dumping.

Good angle.

It was an elaborate ruse to provide him the opportunity to prove that you are a weak parent. Chilling & sinister really, especially the fact he did not tell you in the earlier conversation when he could. This is a cold blooded set up.

Massive red flag but also what if he took it so if you did look for it, for any reason, you may think the son has taken it behind your back? Getting him into trouble.

Please consider your son in this no matter the boyfriends plan.

He has two parents. Do not bring in extra adults to parent him. That is unfair and building future problems.

Trust in your own parenting.

It is very controlling of you op. You know your son. You decide whether or not to see a sanction right through to the end. Not his business how you parent and he has no experience of parenting whatsoever. Why should he experiment/learn on your D's. It is hard enough for kids adjusting to new partners. What is more concerning, I think, is that he is not just controlling you, he is making an extremely strong attempt to show)under that he is in charge of your son.

Who the hell does he think he is taking your sons property? I would dump him before you could say boo! Shows a total lack of respect for your son, his property and his boundaries.

Even if the OP had been looking for it to give to her son it wouldn’t automatically prove his point.

The Op could change her mind on the punishment for any number of reasons.

'Good mothers do NOT involve their boyfriends in disciplinary action with their children.

Good mothers know better than confusing their children with non parental figures being allowed to discipline them.'

Exactly. How many horror stories do we have to read about a parents boyfriend or girlfriend and what they've done before people realise you tread with extreme caution for a very long time and get your kid straight out at the first sign of this kind of shit.

Agreed. OP can change her mind without justifying to her non-parental partner.

That said, OP was not trying to give it back to her son but trying to find out the make for her sister:

This is from the OP:

I am about the replace the iPad anyway (at Christmas) and had mentioned this to my sister. She has now asked if she can buy the old one off me and wants to see pictures and serial numbers etc to check if she wants it.

That is a massive red flag to me! I realise my own experience means I may be projecting somewhat. I had a similar scenario with the man who became my 2nd H. Fours years later I came home from work early to find him towering over my then 8 year old son with his fists raised. Marriage was over in that instant and I'll never forgive myself for bringing that man into my dc's life. It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever let ANYONE question my parenting now.....and my dc's are now adult.

I don't want to catastrophise. But just want to point out that the recent horrific cases of children dying at home were due to resident step parents being allowed to discipline the child. OP's situation is nowhere near this one - her DP does not even live with her - but there is a reason why step parents should be treated with caution in this area.

@blueshoes agreed.

Step parents abusing children, murdering them, while the resident parent stood by and okay the "discipline".

Who cares if the OP changed her mind about returning the ipad, to HER child, in HER home.

She is the parent making a parenting decision.

Not her boyfriends business.

I was no slacker on the discipline front with technology with my children, and at times I reversed an earlier sanction.

My choice whilst doing what I thought was best.

He's just another controlling arse who thinks he knows best.

I hope to goodness this thread gives the OP the confidence to listen to her wise gut and keep that loser away from her children.

I agree with @Blocked , @blueshoes and @billy1966

Why should he discuss disciplinig the OP's child?

I wouldn't have said "should" - after all it's not his child and responsibility for discipline rests with OP
However since she said this is a longstanding relationship and she's trying to include him in the family I just thought it may be a conversation worth having, if only to stop things like this happening again

Absolutely gobsmacked with his behaviour, wrong on so many levels, which other posters have so eloquently explained.

OP please see what has actually happened here and not what he is trying to peddle you now. Fortunately you have caught this sly and underhand behaviour now, thank goodness your sister asked you about the iPad.

I wouldn't rely on him bringing it back, I would go over to his to fetch it and give him a piece of my mind, he'd be in the bin, and I'm generally a pretty laid back person.

You've said you've been getting him involved in your parenting of your children, because if he stays with you he won't be having any children of his own. This is not your responsibility and you should not feel bad that he didn't and won't have any children of his own. Don't allow your nice and sympathetic nature to override what is in your children's bests interests.

Apologies, wrong thread - will ask for last post to be removed

So your son behaves poorly because you can't stick with any boundaries? I guess OH took it without asking as he assumed you'd say no because it would prevent you from caving. He might be right but it's not his place to be parenting you.

It sounds like you both have issues with boundaries tbh.

He doesn’t have any children himself!