He took something without telling me.

[WildCountry]

Name changed long term user. I'm just after a little perspective here...

I recently stopped my son's iPad use for a week due to unacceptable behaviour. His iPad was placed out of reach to wait until he was allowed it back.

My partner (who is long term but I do not live with) decided to take the IPad with him when he left the house today (will be gone several days). He did this without telling me to 'help me not to give in to my son who will ask for his old bck before a week'.

I am about the replace the iPad anyway (at Christmas) and had mentioned this to my sister. She has now asked if she can buy the old one off me and wants to see pictures and serial numbers etc to check if she wants it.

I spent half an hour searching the house for this iPad before calling my boyfriend to find he had taken it without asking me.

AIBU to be angry at this? I understand that it's easier to resist giving in early and giving the iPad back if it's not even here, but shouldn't I have been asked if I wanted this 'help'? I have an uncomfortable feeling about this. I know he hasn't stolen it in any way, but it's still been taken from me without my knowledge or permission.

Do you imagine the police would charge him with theft, let alone that he would be tried and convicted? If you do, you are very mistaken.

OP I'll echo what others have said, this could be the start of more controlling behaviours or it could be a misjudgment from him. But the lack of apology is key here

If you feel ending the relationship is extreme for this one thing, then stand firm with him and explain that this type of control is unacceptable, that an apology is required and that you won't tolerate more incidences of this behaviour. Then if he continues, you may feel more justified in ending the relationship

@LaGioconda of course the police probably wouldn't do anything. Doesn't mean it's not theft though. He took something that wasnt his without asking or informing the owner.

He didn't tell her until she noticed it was missing. No one but him knows what his actual intentions were.

I wouldn't want a boyfriend who thought it OK to take items that he Didn't own just because.

And none of that makes it theft, @Boiledbeetle.

Then we shall have to agree to disagree @LaGioconda we obviously have different standards of what is acceptable behaviour when in someone else's house.

Actually you don't need to wait for a "good enough" reason to end a relationship. It's clear there would be severe problems ahead if you allow him to be a stepfather to your son, where he wants to discipline the boy more and differently than you do, so that means you can't have a decent future together at least until your son leaves home. You don't need to wait for him to do something more extreme if you already understand that.

This, and on top of it, yes. He did steal it OP. He took it with intent without your consent.

That's stealing.

It's funny how some people have a variety of interpretations of stealing.

I definitely would be in the camp that removing something deliberately from the home of a person you do not live with, without their knowledge or permission, is stealing.

For 'help' read control. He's an arrogant man who has performed a physical act of mansplaining - telling you, your son's parent, how to parent your son.

He thinks he knows better than you and is willing to act to correct your choices 'for your own good'. He thinks he's cleverer, better at being a grown-up, better at parenting than you. He does not respect or admire you. Is that what you want in a relationship?

A helpful, thoughtful man would have asked you if removing the ipad from the house would be helpful. Then accepted your answer.

I think it hinges on whether he knew you wouldn't have agreed with him taking it.

There's also a disturbing element of his wishing to 'manage' and to punish your son. To exert control over him, put him 'in his place', 'show him who's boss', who the man of the house really is. I wouldn't be letting this one move in, for your child's sake.

@WildCountry
No, nothing like this before really. He’s stubborn and doesn’t like to admit he’s wrong though which might be why he hasn’t apologised

I think in a healthy relationship both partners should feel comfortable enough with each other to be able to admit when they’ve made a mistake and to freely apologise.

If one partner can’t do that, you need to raise this with him as an issue to be worked on both for your own benefit and because it’s important for your children to see how good supportive relationships should be.

You read on here so many times of posters stuck in unhealthy relationships because their own childhood was marred by parents who hadn’t learnt to communicate with each other effectively.

Yes @Mumsanetta - & it needs naming, or how can OP address it with her partner, so I'll have a go -

High handed
Territorial
Patronising
Condescending
Entitled
Know-all
Dominance displaying
Controlling
Manipulative
Patriarchal

OP - who died & made your partner de facto head of household?
A household he doesn't even live in?
Please don't EVER live with this man while your son is still under your roof.

Because this man thinks he's the boss of you.
He feels entitled to make unilateral decisions on your behalf, & when challenged - all he did was double down. Smug twat.

This thread will be ‘controlling’ bingo but it sounds like he thought he was doing a good thing and did it in a bad way. Just tell him it’s not appreciated.

An inability to ever admit he is wrong is a worrying trait OP.
As is an inability to apologise.

You call it stubborn - I call it a sign that he believes his words & actions carry more weight than yours.

I think it's stealing too, but more importantly it's a massive, waving madly, controlling red flag.

If this man had been your husband and father of your son it would be bad enough. He's a boyfriend and therefore a completely inappropriate thing to do.

We even spoke on the phone earlier today before I discovered it was missing. He had plenty of time to explain what he’d done if for some reason he thought there was no way of telling me beforehand.

I wasted my time looking and I do feel a bit chilled by it.

OMG.
Yeah the chill's just hit me too OP.
It was entirely deliberate that he didn't mention it.
HE WAS TESTING YOU.
Waiting to find out if you searched for it as you'd decided to give it back to DS.

It's a good thing your sister wanted to look at it, so you discovered your partner's interference. So now you know - 1) he will never admit he is wrong 2) he will never apologise 3) he thinks he's the boss of you 4) he feels entitled to set secret tests for you.

I would be raging about this. Not sure I'd bother showing him the rage though. Wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction. But I wouldn't be hanging round waiting for the next 'test'.

This makes me very uncomfortable. It suggests to me that your partner might secretly dislike/resent your D's. Lots of times parents negotiate a punishment down and it doesn't mean there is no discipline in the home. Technology is so central to life now losing it for a couple of days often makes the point and sometimes when we state something ...eh you're grounded for a month with older kids ...on reflection we negotiate down. He should never participate in disciplining your son like this without you deciding. I would be more comfortable with a partner trying, out of child's hearing, to persuade me down a day or two than the other way. I think your son will be hurt by this when he hears .. almost like an extra punishment.I also think that there will be clashes when your child is older.

‘It’s just that this ‘help’ feels like control and it isn’t something I feel at all comfortable with.’

I have just read to this point early on in thread.

This ‘help’ is controlling.

Because the action is so absolute - unilaterally removing both an object & a decision out of control when managing your son’s behaviours - he is blocking your autonomy & independence in your own home. This is a red flag.

An opportunity for you to reflect on what has gone before? You say that he helped you with parenting in the past? From a person who has not parented before, there is a limit to what they know directly about parenting, although they may boost your confidence.

Be absolutely honest with yourself if this is the first instance of his control.
Do you see a pattern of small slight events that you have brushed off as too trifling to bother with?
Has this recent event really come out of nowhere?

To build your confidence & resilience, I suggest that you take a parenting course. Your GP may have details. Many local councils offer family courses open to all parents. Perhaps join a local parenting support group.

This incident has tipped the balance to alert you to how much control you have given this man & how you need to develop your own parenting confidence.

Stop being so grateful to this man.
It’s not good for you or your child.
Do not have him move in, do not give him any form of parental guidance or responsibility for your child.

How he responds now as you insist on or reinforce boundaries will tell you what you need to know about him.

If he was removing it to "help you" wouldnt he have said that?
It just sounds odd

Because it wasn't done to 'help'.
It was done in the hope that OP would cave, look for the ipad, eventually ring him to ask "do you know where it is" & he could have his condescending, 'instructional' gotcha moment.

It backfired on him as OP was looking for the ipad to show her sister, not return to her son. So he didn't get his gotcha.
I wonder when he will manufacture the next one?

I'd be furious!

Does he think you are a child who can't be trusted? None of his damn business if you did weaken and give your son the iPad back anyway.

I still think he may have took the iPad away under this flimsy excuse he’s given you and could have been looking for details of the boys friends.

The law doesn't work that way. It's not based on intent, but actions.

Otherwise, I could rob a bank, get caught, & tell the cops that I intended to bring the money back, & was just borrowing it for the bank's own good.

See? Different scenario, same bullshit.

He's trying to control how you discipline your child.

This. Red flag. Run a mile.

You can't resolve an argument with somebody who never admits he is wrong & who refuses to apologise.

& I don't think OP even needs to have this argument, let alone resolve it.
What's the point? - he is already doubling down.
He did this to CONTROL her. There is no "resolution" to be had with a controlling person.
He wanted her to look for it, ring him to ask about it, so he could place her in the wrong, tell her off, & present himself as the helpful hero.

Or even more sinister, as PP suggest - he actively sought to drive a wedge between OP & her son.