He took something without telling me.

[WildCountry]

Name changed long term user. I'm just after a little perspective here...

I recently stopped my son's iPad use for a week due to unacceptable behaviour. His iPad was placed out of reach to wait until he was allowed it back.

My partner (who is long term but I do not live with) decided to take the IPad with him when he left the house today (will be gone several days). He did this without telling me to 'help me not to give in to my son who will ask for his old bck before a week'.

I am about the replace the iPad anyway (at Christmas) and had mentioned this to my sister. She has now asked if she can buy the old one off me and wants to see pictures and serial numbers etc to check if she wants it.

I spent half an hour searching the house for this iPad before calling my boyfriend to find he had taken it without asking me.

AIBU to be angry at this? I understand that it's easier to resist giving in early and giving the iPad back if it's not even here, but shouldn't I have been asked if I wanted this 'help'? I have an uncomfortable feeling about this. I know he hasn't stolen it in any way, but it's still been taken from me without my knowledge or permission.

This isn’t a blunt but well meaning attempt to parent the kids, it’s an attempt to control me. I can’t have it.

Sorry, posted before reading the thread. Well recognised OP!

So make sure you get the iPad back from him today. Once he has given it then tell him that you are seriously unimpressed with his controlling actions and are now very much considering ending the relationship.

If he refuses to give it back then end the relationship forthwith.

I'd end the relationship anyway. I won't be patronised or controlled like that.

Not the issue.
It's still theft.

There are millions of offences committed in the UK every year that the police don't follow up with a charge. Doesn't make them less ... offensive.

If he had concerns you’d give in then his two reasonable choices are

Use his words and speak to you.
Leave the relationship if he strongly disagrees with your parenting.

What he chose to do was decide that he wasn’t going to allow you to change the punishment by type or duration. He also decided not to tell you, far less consult you.

Listen to your gut. It’s telling you this is very very off.

He’ll happily do what he wants to enforce you parenting in the way he approves of. Regardless of your opinion.
Allow this once and he’ll see free reign to do what he likes going forward.

No it doesn't.

& I find it disturbing that you are looking to excuse this man's arrogance & control by assigning 'intentions' to him.

Do you really @BobbyBobbyBobby ?

And what do you think he would do with the knowledge that DS has friends, & their details are on the ipad?

You are clearly insinuating child abuse/risk from this man.
But you haven't thought it through ... paedo's are accomplished at covering their tracks. Paedo'ing via your intended victims' friend's ipad wouldn't be a very smart move would it?

This.

It's so unneccessary that it feels sinister to me. At the very least it's a way of saying 'you're too soft on him - I'll show you how it's done' which is really inappropriate for you and your son.

How does your son get on him generally?

Id be having a serious think about the relationship based on this. A man who doesnt apologise when he makes mistakes would be a massive no no for me, it smacks of being above others, and I just couldnt be around a person like that, no matter how nice they are in other areas and at other times. Now with whats happened it would confirm to me the controlling streak that I would be running a mile from.

I also think allowing a childless man to have a go at parenting your young child is mad tbh, and probably confusing for your child that you allow this man to step in when it isnt his place - he doesnt even live in the house with you both

The fact he'd never said he'd taken it makes me think he believed you would give in, look for it and then ask where it was. As if he was trying to catch you out. Even if he'd suggested taking it beforehand it would seem like he was forcing you to follow through with the punishment. Whether or not you do give in easily is irrelevant. As a partner, a grown adult, he could have had a conversation with you about it. Instead of these weird controlling tactics.

He did this to be spiteful.

I agree with you it is very sly and underhand

I would be letting him know that under no circumstances should he ever do this again

taking the iPad for a week is a hard punishment what did he do to deserve that?

It’s not theft. There must be intent to deprive the owner of it.

But that’s entirely beside the point.

I absolutely would not stand for this. I honestly wouldn’t let him into my home again (except to return my property).

I'm another who thinks he should have discussed this with you first; however you've also said you're keen to make him feel part of the family/as if he can be a parent, and that you've been happy to accept his "parenting help" so far

So it sounds to me more a case of him getting it wrong this time than having ill intent, and while it's understandable that your relationship history has put you on high alert, I'd hope this can be sorted out by a good discussion?

him taking the iPad with him tells me that he doesn’t trust or respect your parenting. If you wanted to give your son the iPad back earlier than planned then that’s your choice to make and not his. He doesn’t live with you and is not your sons parent. You are.

huge red flag for me.

This thread will be ‘controlling’ bingo but it sounds like he thought he was doing a good thing and did it in a bad way
I hugely disagree.
After working with families for over 20 years in family support roles I've seen too many mum's partners and step dads over chastising children. Most of it has been done out of spite or wanting to hurt the child. Not necessarily physically but playing mind games with them just to show they have the upper hand over them.
Bastards every single one of them!

It sounds like he is trying to parent you, not your child.

Outrageous, not his call. I would be livid at this.

This thread will be ‘controlling’ bingo but it sounds like he thought he was doing a good thing and did it in a bad way

If he thought he was doing a good thing he wouldn’t have felt the need to be sneaky about it.

And even if he didn’t mean to be controlling (unlikely) he was controlling.

Well said @JustLyra

"He’s stubborn and doesn’t like to admit he’s wrong though which might be why he hasn’t apologised"
That's sound pretty immature.
Taking the kid's iPad out of the house is petty and childish.
He wanted to be involved in punishing your child and getting satisfaction from knowing the kid won't be getting it back.

Your DP is out of order. My ex did something similar to my kids. I was too soft, apparently.
More red flags appeared and I finished things with him. My kids who are now adults still remember this and I am embarrassed that I stuck with the guy for way too long.

sorry I made this about me. Get the iPad back off him. He is not the parent

Why on earth have you given him a chance to parent? It’s inappropriate.

I doubt this is the first red flag. Who could be bothered with a stubborn ridiculous man who won’t apologise.

No it doesn't...if he intended to take it because he knew she wouldn't agree , then he's obviously the one in the wrong . No way am I excusing him.

So very controlling.

Oh OP, huge red flags here! That’s a horrible, controlling, manipulative thing to do - I really hope you are able to see that! Please don’t excuse his nasty, vindictive, undermining behaviour.

OK @butterpuffed I must have misunderstood your original post, which read (to me) as a plea for 'mitigating circumstances'.

Apologies.