Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He took something without telling me.

191 replies

WildCountry · 20/11/2022 22:23

Name changed long term user. I'm just after a little perspective here...

I recently stopped my son's iPad use for a week due to unacceptable behaviour. His iPad was placed out of reach to wait until he was allowed it back.

My partner (who is long term but I do not live with) decided to take the IPad with him when he left the house today (will be gone several days). He did this without telling me to 'help me not to give in to my son who will ask for his old bck before a week'.

I am about the replace the iPad anyway (at Christmas) and had mentioned this to my sister. She has now asked if she can buy the old one off me and wants to see pictures and serial numbers etc to check if she wants it.

I spent half an hour searching the house for this iPad before calling my boyfriend to find he had taken it without asking me.

AIBU to be angry at this? I understand that it's easier to resist giving in early and giving the iPad back if it's not even here, but shouldn't I have been asked if I wanted this 'help'? I have an uncomfortable feeling about this. I know he hasn't stolen it in any way, but it's still been taken from me without my knowledge or permission.

OP posts:
MrsJephson · 21/11/2022 03:40

dontputitthere · 20/11/2022 22:32

All sorts of wrong.

He decided to take something without asking. He decided he knew best and didn't discuss with you before he did it
He took your property. I mean he stole it essentially
He's decided you can't parent properly and again he knows best.

Tell him to bring it back now. Fuck whether that's inconvenient to him.

It's made me really angry. It's so... controlling. Not sure if that's the right word but it's giving me red flags.

I think it's his reasoning that tips me over the edge. Not an apology. But The - I'm doing it for you because I know you can't parent your own child.

This is exactly what I think too. All kinds of wrong. I'm glad you don't live with him.

Topseyt123 · 21/11/2022 03:50

What an arse!

I'd be wanting him to bring it straight back as it was never his to take. I'd be very unimpressed with him if he didn't and would let him know that.

MrsJephson · 21/11/2022 03:51

OnTheUpAtLast · 21/11/2022 00:45

My ex did similar relatively early in our relationship.
It got worse, a lot worse!
The comments on here are unanimous that this isn't right. You posted because your instinct is telling you this isn't right. It's controlling and while he might not have had to raise his voice or actually make a rule, he has shown that he thinks he knows best and you all have to toe the line.

Think about the next time you need to discipline your son...Will you parent as your motherly instinct tells you is appropriate or will you think about how your partner will respond. It would be hard not to. And so you will adapt your behaviour and parenting because of him taking the ipad today.

Your instinct is telling you this isn't right. How I wish I had trusted my instinct, it would have prevented a whole heap of trauma and upset for me and my children. The impact is long lasting.

Please trust your instinct. An apology might sway you this time, but something in the same vein will happen again. By then you will have invested more of yourself in the relationship and it will be harder to leave. Women who get out of abusive relationships can often reflect on the early red flags they ignored because they didn't recognise them for what they were. You can. Please don't leave yourself and your son open to any more opportunities for this guy to control you.

Please listen to this, really read it. You have two paths. Don't go further down the wrong one.

MeyerLemon · 21/11/2022 04:15

He’s controlling you, and your son. People don’t usually become less controlling over time.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 21/11/2022 04:26

Unless you had asked him to take it then no he should never have taken it.

I don’t buy the story if taking it so you don’t cave in and give it back to your son.

  1. thats none of his business if you had deceived go give it back to your son earlier.
  2. Why not suggest it so that you know he had taken it? Why be so sly? And it is sly.
  3. There is no need to remove it from the house, he could have simply suggested a better hiding place.

Can he access the content of the iPad? Does your son have photos on there? Details of other children?

It’s a very strange thing to do.

I know you say it’s an old model but there is the possibility he originally took it to sell (gambling, drugs, alcohol, debt, greed) and was testing the waters at him slyly taking something.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 21/11/2022 05:22

Boiledbeetle · 20/11/2022 23:33

HE STOLE YOUR SONS IPAD

I don't care about what reasons he gave when you confronted him.

He took an expensive item that belonged to your son from your house without the permission of the owner, or the owners mother.

That is theft.

And don't even get me started on the fact that when you couldn't find it you could have ended up spending all day accusing your son of having taken it back. What a shit show that would have been.

He had NO RIGHT to take something that doesn't belong to him from your house.

I don't care how "nice" he is. He is a thief.

This is such an important point. I know my first thought be DC took it, that could have led to a really damaging argument between you and your DS. Absolutely not OK that he did that.

WeAreTheHeroes · 21/11/2022 06:26

Maray1967 · 20/11/2022 22:37

He is very very much in the wrong here. He is infantilising you by taking the item away without your knowledge. I would be absolutely furious.
Technically what he has done is theft.

It isn't theft at all because he intends to bring it back.

It's wrong because what grown adult does that without asking or discussing it first? But it's not theft.

ChaToilLeam · 21/11/2022 06:53

What a sneaky, unpleasant man. Well, he has shown you who he is, and also what he thinks of you. What now?

Runningintolife · 21/11/2022 06:58

I don't think it's a big deal in the context you describe. You're hurt, he's stubborn - so how you resolve the argument is the part that will show you whether you have a healthy relationship.

Original poster
WildCountry · 21/11/2022 07:00

snowshoehare · 21/11/2022 01:17

Sometimes people do and say silly things. It can be the right thing to accept an apology for a stupid remark or making a stupid mistake. This though is not really about something unconsidered and there is no apology forthcoming. It shows a rather chilling side of him that he knows better than you do and he is entitled to interfere in your relationship with your son. He didn't say to you, did he, "Would you like me to take the ipad with me so it's easier for you to stay strong for the week?

I think he would be an awful stepfather and I would end the relationship. This is just the beginning of the thin edge of the wedge. I think he would be laying down the law as soon as he moved in.

I wouldn’t have minded him asking if I wanted him to take it. Not at all. I would’ve refused though as I am capable to making my own decisions. Perhaps my son makes a real effort this week and I decide to give it back a day early in recognition of that? Who is he to take that choice from me. Or any of my choices for that matter?

I feel like it’s a small thing to consider ending a relationship over, as many things in the relationship are very good and have a very a positive effect on my and my children (I have two). But there are alarm bells ringing over this. In a previous relationship I’ve ignored red flags because I didn’t want to see them. I need to make sure I’ve learnt from that.

I definitely think I want to pull this back. I’ve been wanting to make him feel welcome and a member of my family. I’ve wanted him to feel like he has a chance to be a parent (I won’t be having more children for various reasons so he won’t have his ‘own’ if he stays with me). But this is too far. This isn’t a blunt but well meaning attempt to parent the kids, it’s an attempt to control me. I can’t have it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WildCountry · 21/11/2022 07:04

pinheadlarry · 21/11/2022 02:52

He sounds sneaky tbh
Does he own his own ipad or tablet??
Because it sounds like he took it to use it and its basically stealing

If he was removing it to "help you" wouldnt he have said that?
It just sounds odd

I dont trust sneaky people who do things without asking or telling because what else are they capable of ..

He has his own and my son’s is pretty useless for an adult. He hasn’t taken it for himself- I’m sure of that.

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 21/11/2022 07:10

Op I have a history of abusive relationships and not listening to my gut - listen to yours. Be honest you said most things are good, what's the bad?

Ps all your son will learn from his is that bf took it. It will not relate to supporting you!

Wallstick · 21/11/2022 07:13

Super creepy.

IntrovertedPenguin · 21/11/2022 07:16

I would be telling him to bring back the iPad today and then dump him.

He's overstepped your boundaries not only as a "partner" by taking something without asking but also undermining you as a parent clearly he doesn't trust you'll not give your son back his iPad.
This is going to be trouble down the line.

LaGioconda · 21/11/2022 07:21

I think the idea came from good intentions. He wants my son’s behaviour to improve, he (with some justification) thinks I will not see the punishment through on my own, he thinks it will help me if I can’t say to my son ‘I can’t give you the iPad back because X has it this week’… and I might’ve agreed! If he had asked me!

I don't understand why you would take any parenting advice from this man anyway, given that he has zero experience of being a parent. If you decide to give the iPad back early, that is your decision to make, not his. If you had decided to give it back, then had to tell your son you couldn't because you didn't know where it was, or indeed because he had it, that wouldn't reinforce your discipline one iota - it would just set up the potential for more problems.

If you do decide to stick with this man, tell him from now on he butts out of parenting decisions unless you say otherwise. And that this was his last chance.

billy1966 · 21/11/2022 07:22

You listen to your gut OP, it is working well.

This childless man thinks he knows better than you on how to parent your children.

He is stubborn.

He certainly doesn't respect your ability to parent your child.

There have been several truly awful threads about posters moving men in and them basically turning on their children and making them feel uncomfortable in their own home.
One boy attempted to take his life within 12 months of the boyfriend moving in.

Heartbreaking.

This is not a man to ever allow into your home.

He would interfere with your childrens raising and no doubt start speaking about being respected.

This issue has been a very timely heads up about who he really is.

His arrogance should indeed repel you.

LaGioconda · 21/11/2022 07:22

Boiledbeetle · 20/11/2022 23:33

HE STOLE YOUR SONS IPAD

I don't care about what reasons he gave when you confronted him.

He took an expensive item that belonged to your son from your house without the permission of the owner, or the owners mother.

That is theft.

And don't even get me started on the fact that when you couldn't find it you could have ended up spending all day accusing your son of having taken it back. What a shit show that would have been.

He had NO RIGHT to take something that doesn't belong to him from your house.

I don't care how "nice" he is. He is a thief.

No, he didn't steal it. For this to be theft, he would have had to have the intention to deprive OP's son permanently, and there is simply no evidence that he did.

notacooldad · 21/11/2022 07:25

It's as if he wants to make sure your lad will suffer.
You may back down, as it is your right to iver the iPad, for what ever reason. Your do is making sure the lad doesnt get it back.

Theres more than a touch of sly nastiness to this action. On top of this he has taken it without checking with you.
Personally I'd be very concerned about his behaviour around your son.

Boiledbeetle · 21/11/2022 07:26

@WildCountry morning op.

THIS IS NOT A SMALL THING.

What he did was so out of order.

He is not good for your children.

Trust the alarms ringing in your head.

What he did was finishing the relationship behaviour.

How can you ever let someone who undermines your parenting and steals from you back into your home?

If nothing else you need a reset and take the relationship right back to the dating stage and he doesn't step foot back in your house until you feel you can trust him again.

Boiled x

Boiledbeetle · 21/11/2022 07:28

@LaGioconda

He stole it. Doesn't matter what reason he gave after the event. He stole her sons Ipad.

ReallyITV · 21/11/2022 07:29

This is a 100000% a huge red flag. He’s trying to control you and your son. He has no right over either of you. I would be very very angry at this. I’d deffo get rid of him.

ButterCrackers · 21/11/2022 07:31

He should have asked you before taking the iPad. Also why spend to replace what works?

ReallyITV · 21/11/2022 07:33

He’s not their father. You should not give him that role in their lives. I’ve got so many issues with this OP sorry I know I’ve just posted. But this is where it starts and then there have been some horrific outcomes for children as a result of partners entering homes. He’s controlling - wtf has it got to do with him. You discipline your child as you see fair.

it frightens me to see threads like this. Keep him away from your kids

SunshinePlease101 · 21/11/2022 07:34

’giving him a chance to parent’???

Sorry OP but Wtfff!!! Kids aren’t a hobby you can pass around for others to ‘experience’.

Your children have parents. No one else can ‘play’ parent with them for ‘the experience’.
He doesn’t even live with you. Why let your boyfriend have these ‘experiences’ whenever he comes for tea?

If he wants kids he can leave and have his own. But unless he does that then no he can’t play parent with his girlfriends kids whenever he pops over her house.

And now he’s taking his hobby of ‘parenting’ to the next level and bypassing you.

This is so weird.

Leave DP. Stay single for a long time. Don’t introduce your kids to anyone else to ‘experience parent’ or otherwise.

Sorry if I sound harsh but this has therapy written all over it for your kids when they grow up.

icelollycraving · 21/11/2022 07:36

Wow, a man with no children views his parenting as superior to the actual mother. What a presumptuous arse. Keep in mind, he took away your right to discipline/ reward your child. Why is that?

Swipe left for the next trending thread