Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

Does sound very extreme for a young girl. Too much to do the sport and rehearse a play at the weekends with little downtime. I would definitely speak to your brother and if needed go to the school together to find a way forward. It’s wonderful that she has you to talk to and turn to.

The compulsory Saturday morning sport sounds familiar, but I'm surprised that the musical instrument and school play aren't optional. It does sound like a long day, does the bus get her into school early if she leaves at 7 and it takes an hour? I often preferred doing homework at school and fitting it round the train time table rather than waiting until I was home.

If I was your DB I'd want to talk to the school and see what actually is compulsory, I think it could be easy for DN to feel like it is when actually there are other options.

The sport thing is normal. DS has early (7am) gym twice a week, practice one a week ends about 5pm and a match on Saturday.

The play and instrument could maybe be dropped?

Couple of things - how old is she?

Secondly, what is she actually doing between the end of school and 6:30 when they get home?

At our prep on match days the kids go to another school early afternoon, play matches, have a 'match tea' at the venue (much like afternoon tea) and then be home by six thirty absolute latest, usually it's much earlier, more like five / five thirty.

On 'prep' days the kids finish teaching time at four, then go and do after school activities, before another afternoon tea type meal, a bit of home work and plenty of play time. The exact timetable varies hugely depending on what age they are.

We have one after school sport practice a week that children are encouraged to attend, but it's not completely mandatory, if she's struggling a decent prep school ought be flexible.

I'd see if you can get talking to some of the schools parents and see what the day is really like.

Also the parents might surprise you.

Apologies - I didn't see she's in secondary.

But my post may be of some use, the kids who have come into school from prep will have gradually got used to this timetable over many years. Talk to the school, they should be able to make allowances.

Thank you for replying. The bus takes an hour even though the journey isn’t usually an hour if that makes sense, because of all the stops and route it takes to collect lots of children. It gets her in at 8am and registration is at 8.20am. I’m not sure if she could do homework in school but it’s definitely worth checking out. Good to know others have the additional sports experience too.

Sounds horrendous and she sounds very unhappy. Does your brother now she's been texting you with negativity. Poor girl

Sounds normal. My dc don't play much sport, but are at school 8.30 - 5.30 most days. This is why they have much longer holidays.

She’s 11. This is a new school to her after local primary.

A lot of her time seems to be spent on the coach to and from other schools for sport. They go in rush hour which seems a strange time to go and she has text me that they have been in traffic and not moving several times and then they get back late. She has said one Saturday they were hanging round all day and only played for one match because there are different teams that all played and she was waiting around in the cold for a long time.

My brother knows she texts me but he doesn’t know what she texts me. I didn’t want to break her confidence and at the start thought she’s just settling in and it is different. The weeks are going by and we don’t see her, when she has FaceTimed me I was shocked at how tired she looks, on different times a couple of weeks apart.

Is her dad aware of how she feels? I would encourage her to tell him. If she doesn’t, I would have a word with your brother. You sound like you really care, I personally wouldn’t see it as interfering if it’s done through genuine concern.

It sounds horrendous. I briefly looked at private school for DS and realised that if they offer a bursary then they basically own you. It actually said in the prospectus that they expect huge levels of commitment to sport, music etc, and that the bursary can be removed if a pupil doesn't participate enough!
I went to private school on a full scholarship and it was nothing like that in those days.

Presumably she is in year 7. The first term is always tough and all year 7s get tired as it gets dark and the days feel long. Next term the days will be lighter. She will feel better.

She will have long holidays and can see you more then.

Make sure she always has spare snacks and warm things - there can always be a lot of hanging around. A card game to play with/make new friends on sports coaches can be a good tip.

Honestly, this is typical of a private school routine, she will need to decide her priorities and learn to step back from pressure to do everything. Ime teachers want their best pupils for teams and performances and she will need to learn to resist any pressure and avoid clashes. Compulsory matches are the norm for lower year groups but soon become optional as teams are established. Does she have any cocurricular awards which come with obligations?

It’s about the norm in fee paying schools I’m afraid. It’s no longer hours than doing extra curricular stuff outside of school but I suspect it feels like a long day because it’s all in the same place and with the same people. I used to do activities, or two activities some evenings and on Saturday morning when I was at school but most of it was away from school and close to home which breaks up the day when you’re meeting different people.

Thank you so much for replying about how this is normal in a private school. Honestly had no idea. I don’t know what the terms of her bursary are but it does feel as if the pressure is on and she has said if she doesn’t do stuff she will lose everything. I am not sure if that’s factually true or if it’s pressure she perceives if that makes sense. I’m going to have a proper chat to her and encourage her to talk to my brother or offer to do it with her.

Yep, sounds perfectly normal for private school. The days are long but the pay-off is the long holidays at the end of term.

Being utterly shattered at the end of this term in Y7 is also very common. Particularly if she’s been one of the brightest at Primary and is now in with a competitive pack of mark hunting bright kids. It will get much easier and yes, she’ll almost certainly have a whole extra week off over Xmas to recuperate.

Can I suggest you plan a fun family day now for the Christmas Holidays and make sure she knows about it? She will have something concrete in her diary to see you and it should help a bit.

Also if she has vocab tests coming up, if they get organised they can revise/test each other on the coach. Definitely worth it as it makes it more fun and they can get it out of the way.

There is unlikely to be a school play more than once a year

Thank you for these suggestions. I’m going to book ice skating in the holidays.

Does the a school offer good pastoral care? This should go hand in hand with great sporting and academic opportunities.

I also tend to agree that first term is usually the worst however she may also have to learn to push back if feeling over stretched.

Has she made friends? Does anyone live nearby and is there a possibility of her getting a lift to school sometimes?

I'm not sure about the pastoral care, I honestly don’t know.

SN says she has made friends but she never mentions anyone by name, which is different to previously. The other children locally who go to that school all get the bus, some get picked up but that’s not an option for my brother.

Absolutely normal for private school.
But she should be doing prep at school,so not sure why she has homework at home.
It is adjustment for most children if they haven't been to private prep/junior schools.

Sounds very similar to a lot of private schools - which is partly what parents are paying for. And my DD found it incredibly tough in the first term, it’s a big adjustment from primary. But a year later she’s loving all of the activity and is signing up for even more optional stuff. Just encourage her to talk to her tutor/head of year about feeling overwhelmed and needing some help managing workload.

As lots of pp have said, very normal. She’s doing the max at the moment and is no doubt tired, but next term /next year, she’ll know her boundaries and might decide not to do the play, or maybe figure out how to fit in everything. DS leaves the house at 7am and gets home at 6.30pm. He was exhausted in yr7 but copes mikes better now in yr9. She’ll be fine. It’s a fantastic opportunity.