Worried about niece and new private school activities

[YellowMarigold]

My brother’s daughter, my DN is bright and enjoys sports. She has a younger brother at primary. Sadly her mum passed away with cancer three years ago. At the advice of her primary DN did a test and got a scholarship to a local private school and her fees are almost completely covered by a means tested bursary. Nobody in the family has experience of private schools and there are a few things that don’t sit right with me that worry me.

There is a lot of sport. The sport in the school day is fine but at least once a week she plays a match against another school and is often not back at school until 6.30pm on the coach. It takes her an hour to get home on another coach, then homework and she practices an instrument. Every Saturday she also plays another sport against other schools. If it is an away match she is often gone all day. There is no choice about playing these matches. She has been told it’s part of school. She was encouraged to audition for a school play and got a part. The rehearsals are after school and on weekends so she often finishes late rehearsing and now is rehearsing on Sunday afternoons. She leaves home at 7am every day to get a bus that takes an hour. It isn’t an hour’s journey but the bus collects children from all over so it’s a lot of travel time. There is a lot of homework.

My worries are:
My DN does not seem to have any down time. She and her brother used to come to spend time with my kids at the weekend. She misses us and texts that she is sad she is busy all the time. She has cried on the phone to me several times and always says she didn’t know it would be such a long day and she finds it very hard. She asks me if secondary school is always so hard and I don’t know what to say. I know she is getting amazing chances from an academic point of view but it feels off balance.

My brother makes her food and keeps it warm, they hardly eat as a family. She isn’t doing more than the other kids, this is the standard. These are not optional clubs. Maybe I’m being overprotective because she has already lost her mum at a young age, but is this too much pressure and too much time in school? She has huge rings under her eyes and has difficulty sleeping because she feels stressed about school. Today she text me to ask if she has to go to her rehearsals. I don’t want to interfere but I don’t want to see her suffer and say nothing.

As everyone has said already, this is really very normal for private schools. My son went to a private prep when he was 7 and was doing about 18 hours OUT of school hours of sport, as well as several hours a week IN school. He also did singing (we dumped the instrument as soon as we could!) THe first term of EVERY year was horrific as he had to get used to being back in the swing of things. Then he settled down well for the next two terms. Then the following year the first term was painful again etc etc. He loves sport, so he worked as hard as possible to get into teams - as did most of the other children. Maybe she can not be quite so good, and then she won't get chosen for so much.

Sounds normal to me. Huge opportunity for her. In the corporate world being a team player is essential as is this type of stamina she will build up .My children did these hours and more and it has stood them in good stead. One now in a very male corporate world, going abroad in her 20's for work ,fluent speaker of two other languages, playing sport for the company and networking. Embrace it and enjoy the longer holidays with her.

In our school Saturday school /sport is compulsory but they have made an exception for a recently bereaved child .

Did you accidentally post on the wrong thread? This one was an OP concerned about her niece being stretched too thin by all of the activities at her new private school. Some responses pointed out that many private schools have longer holidays and that can help mitigate the intense term time schedule. Of course nobody implied that longer holidays would mitigate her niece’s grief at losing her mother!

My DD won a scholarship in Yr 9. She had been in a rural prep school to Yr 7 when we sent her to the outstanding oversubscribed academy. She was bullied so we went back to a flexi boarding school. Unfortunately the long days didn't work for her. We left at 6.45am and she arrived at school by 8.20. She was constantly tired.
At her school her major academic scholarship came with an expectation to be a trick pony. She hated the prep after lessons, the Saturday matches. She had free boarding two nights a week which she loved and they really did try to help her. She is very intelligent but the bullying trauma effected her for years. She did make a number of lasting friendships. Make sure your niece wants to be there. My DD left to attend a local school with a less than good rating. Her choice, she loved it, they loved her and she is now off to university shortly.

We looked round a private school for my son. My comment was that it all sounded very exhausting. They didn't really have an answer to that. I don't think he'll be going there, it might prepare you for a cut-thriat career at twitter, but i don't want him with corporate burnout by 30.

@Mirabai

Daughter in year 11. Saturday morning has 3 normal lessons and has done since she was 9 and then a sports fixture after lunch which can be home or away. She plays hockey, tennis and netball to a high standard and is a dual music and sport scholar. She's forecast to achieve very well at GCSE and aspires to medicine or law.

She has learnt very effective time management skills doing 6 days a week and is excellent at doing her prep in good time. She enjoys the long holidays but still chooses to keep herself busy during them.

DS sometimes did homework on the bus, similar journey time.

Is it possible to watch some of the sport on Saturday, adults sometimes got invited to the tea too! Then bring home which might be quicker more direct than the bus.

My DS YR9 has a similar schedule. I was worried at first but he has got used to it. Though in their school they do homework (prep) at school and get fed. He gets home around 7 and has a few hours to relax. He’s out of the house at 7 in the morning.

Saturday sport is a pain but it’s only for those in the school teams. Could she opt out?

Oh and I go and collect him early one eve (could that be an option?). That’s to do a local sport but I’m sure she could just come home early one eve if someone could get her?

I assume this is referring to my post that spending all Saturday on sport is a waste of time?

Your DD apparently only spends half Saturday on sport and has productive lesson time in the morning. Which is rather my point.

Good grief. I thought my (state-school) kids did too many extra-curricular activities but at least they get home at a reasonable time and can fit homework around them.

Have you asked her if she likes the school on general? Sounds like a miserable existence and no family time for a child who has already gone through a tragic experience and probably needs the support of family around her more than others.

It's amusing all these DPs thinking that these long hours make their DCs ideal for roles in the corporate world - nurses do long shifts too, so perhaps private school is an ideal preparation for a nursing career.

Honestly DS goes to a private school and it's certainly not as intensive as this - I'd be horrified if it was. But then I would have been unlikely to let him go to a school with an hours commute each way - no matter how good it was.

One of my DC went to private school
and it was nothing like this. No after-school or Saturday sports. No music practice etc at school. Mine did play an instrument but it was out of school and she didn’t play it in school. Mine did do drama for GCSE and there was a play and rehearsals for that. Otherwise, no. No excessively long hours.

Is an hour a commute? It’s roughly how long it takes to get anywhere in London.

Most people I know did an hour to school. There were a few who lived nearby. There’s no doubt that less travel time leaves more time for prep and practice, but I’d much rather go to a really good school that took a while to get to than a crap one just because it was local.

I've worked with many a nurse who was privately educated. Not sure where you are coming from with your comment. Are nurses only allowed to be from the state education system? Genuinely perplexed...

It is a very tough transition from state primary to private secondary, especially on a presumably competitive bursary scheme, and your niece will not be alone in feeling shattered. Next term it will be the play, and another sport, and more music.

We took a similar course, and after a year, it was clear that DS did not have the stamina for Y10, plus three mandatory twilight sessions every week. So he did y10/11 locally in state comprehensive-- where he learned almost nothing academically, but a huge amount about other people's lives and his privilege.

His GCSE results were achieved entirely on the teaching strength of prep school and Y9 in private, and were nothing to brag about. But it was the travel distance that killed us. We chose a brilliant school but it was too distant (50 miles away), and DS was then a shrimp. So we got it wrong, but we could not have afforded a full boarding private school either. Nearly a decade later, we occasionally wonder what we could have done better.

@bakerstreetbus74 What I'm trying to say - probably very badly- is that some posters on this thread clearly think that a private education with long school days means their DCs are much more suited for a board level high paying role. I was just trying to point out that nurses work long hours too, but I think some people put a lot of importance on high paying careers.

Your DN is very lucky to have such a Caring Auntie.
Sounds quite normal for private school.
I always enjoy the match teas as parents and grandparents we have always been invited to attend. Could you look out for the matches being played at schools near you or the home matches and pick your dn up after the match? Can Dad do a pick up one night too and maybe spectate at the weekend occasionally.

I agree about helping with time management and life skills. Poor child sounds exhausted.

...C-level - which in itself is an extremely narrow and reductive definition of success

You're telling me. The post that led to the question, boggled my mind. I'd never heard of C Suite either, and it certainly wouldn't be the kind of success I'd actively promote to my offspring.

Thank you for that clarity. The working class nurse in me got a bit prickly!

class nurse in me got a bit prickly!

No, not at all what I’m suggesting is that the type of person who is able to manage long days with lots of multiple activities is the type of person who will end up in C suite roles, hopefully. Or they might end up being a nurse.
but the opposite of that, a child that won’t work life balance and wouldn’t commute for an opportunity. I wouldn’t go the extra mile for sport or extra curricular activities, even though they might enjoy them because that would be too much for them Will absolutely not end up in the boardroom. And nor the operating theatre or A&E either.
I actually went to a state comprehensive and it’s really interesting because you could see you at the age of 12 who was going to end up in precisely those kind of roles, who had the guts for the Glory.

I’ll be honest that sounds like my kid’s lives. My daughter leaves for school 6.30 most mornings to do an hour of sport before school and often had after school matches and satursdays. My son plays football 5 days a week. They also play instruments. But they love it. They can’t play enough sport honestly. I don’t think they would do it if not and I’d be the first to tell them to stop if they didn’t enjoy it. So what is is doing is pretty normal for schools like the one she attends. However, If your niece honestly isn’t enjoying it then she needs to rein it in. It is rare anyone is forced to do it. My kids live for sport but plenty of others don’t and the schools let them choose something else. It should be about fun and finding the right balance

Its NOT normal to be compulsory. My son did sports - for school and outside. So yes every Saturday was taken up with school sport, every Sunday with his outside of school sport, plus one practice a week. He played an instrument too but drama was optional, even when he did GCSE drama.
My daughter did not care for competitive sport nor drama. So she did not sign up for those activities.
Between me and my husband's kids i have experience of six private schools and none of the activities were compulsory other than in my sons year when they needed most boys to make up a team - even then some didn't participate. I'd have your brother check.
As it's a need based bursary it's very unlikely she would be compelled to participate - if she had a sport or music or drama scholarship then she would.